Lessons Learned

I'm 21 years old. That's not old by any means. I'm not wise or inquisite or experienced. I'm just me. But, throughout the few number of years I have been living this wonderful life, I have learned some valuable lessons and I would like to pass them on to whoever may happen to read this.

1. You can write just as great of an essay (if not better) an hour before it's due rather than working on it for weeks.
2. Friends come and go throughout your life, but family is forever - whether you want them to be or not. So make your relationship with them one you want to be stuck with.
3. It is incredibly messy if you sneeze while brushing your teeth.
4. While we'er on the subject of sneezing, avoid sneezing right after you put mascara on at all costs.
5. Nature is beautiful - take the time to notice it, to love it.
6. It's less embarassing when you trip and fall flat on your face if you laugh with everyone that's laughing at you.
7. It's seriously so NOT worth holding grudges...let it go and live your life.
8. Singing and dancing to your itunes in front of the mirror in your underwear is a great way to start the day.
9. Thunderstorms can make for better entertainment than movies - so grab a bowl of popcorn and enjoy.
10. Everyone in your life is going to hurt you in some way...but that doesn't mean you can stop letting people into your heart because of the fear of being hurt.
11. Windows rolled down, radio blaring, singing to the music at the top of your lungs is the only way to drive.
12. No two sunsets look the same.
13. Playing with puppies is the best pick-me-up in the world!
14. It is incredibly important to always see the silver lining in every stormcloud.
15. Laugh loud and obnoxiously, just let it out. It's more fun that way.
16. Dancing in the rain is one of the funnest things to do in the summer.
17. Life is better surrounded by friends and people you love and who love you.
18. Life sucks and is extremely hard a lot of the time...but it's totally awesome and an amazing ride most of the time.
19. No matter how many times you fall, God will always catch you and help you back on your feet.
20. It's important to read as often as you can.
21. A life without love is no life at all.

But the most important thing I've learned in the past 21 years of my life, is: Don't give a damn what anyone else thinks of you....Dare to be different, dare to be you. Dr. Seuss said it best: "Be who you are and say what you feel, those who mind don't matter and those who matter won't mind." Follow your heart, be true to yourself, and don't sell yourself for any less than what you're worth.

BFFs :)

So there's this girl. Her name is Christie Marie Hollingsworth. She's pretty much the most awesome girl I have ever met. We became bet friends in 7th grade, and bestest lovers ever in 9th...hahaha. Thank you to all the rotten boys out there. :) Anywho, this girl is one of my very best best friends. I love her dearly. Today, I want to thank her for being an amazing friend.

Christie, you are so awesome. We have been through so much shit together, but we have also been through soooo many awesome times together. You are the best friend I could ever ask for. You have always always been there for me. I can talk to you about anything and everything and my favorite part about our friendship? That we're both total complete idiots and don't give a damn what others think. :) I freakin' love how wild and crazy and obnoxious we are!! I love all our inside jokes!! I love our inappropriate-ness!! :) I love hanging out with you!! I love you! You are like a cousin to me!! hahahaha. I just want you to know you are the world's greatest friend, and I owe my life to you because without you in my life, I would not be who I am today. Girl, you are truly one in a million and I am soo glad we have stayed friends all these years and that our friendship is what it is: Pure Awesomeness. I love you girl!!

Then there's this other girl. She's a cousin of mine...Mallory. She's pretty much amazing too, and I want to tell her how much I love her, too!

Ooooh Mallory, I want to tell you how much I love you too. You are such an amazingly awesome friend. Yes, you're my cousin, but more than that, you're my friend. I love hanging out with you, talking to you, making fun of you! hahaha. You have been such a great friend to me! You have been soo supportive with my conversion and with Res Life stuff and with Tom. Words cannot describe how much you mean to me and how much I appreciate you and all you have done for me. You love me not cause you have to since we're cousins, but because we are best friends. You are amazing and I love you and I am so glad we have the amazing relationship that we do!! :)

You girls are amazing, and I love very very much. <3

Sick and Tired

I've been good. I've been very VERY good. For the past seven months almost I've barely spoken up. I do a good job at hiding my pain. I do a good job at putting on a happy face when I want nothing more than to stay huddled under my covers and never get out of bed. I've done very good about not being that whiney girl crying over her boyfriend. I do a good job at talking to others about Tom without crying. I do a good job at not snapping at girls when they complain that a day without their boyfriend feels like a year. I've been good. But I am very very tired of being good. I am tired of shutting up. I am so sick and tired of listening to girls complain about missing their boyfriend and only seeing them three days a week. I am so sick and tired of seeing couples all over the place. I am sick and tired of not being able to talk to anyone about how I feel. How could I possibly talk to someone about it? Who could possibly understand the pain I feel? I knew getting by with Tom on his mission would be hard, I just didn't imagine it to continue to be so hard after 7 months, I thought it would be easier by now.

I feel angry and sad and hurt and frustrated all the time. I like to think I am able to pull myself together very well, that people can't see the pain inside, but I feel like I'm constantly on the verge of falling apart. I see couples and I craaaave for Thomas. I want to hear his voice again. I want to hear him laugh - the deep belly laugh where he throws his head back and his smile is huge. I want to feel him again. To be able to reach out and know that he's there. To hold his hand, stroke his cheek and feel his scruffies, have his arms around my waist, cuddle with him. I want to play with him again - to wrestle and screw around till we're on the floor crying from laughing so hard. I want to talk to him. I want him to be there with me when I interview for Hall Manager. I want to call him and tell him all these amazing stories about how awesome my Parker Hall staff is and I want him to meet them all. I to hear him say "I love you more."

I'm tired of pretending to be okay. But at the same time, what's the point in being upset? Nothing's gonna change, he's not coming home anytime soon, so I might as well suck it up and keep going. But it's sooo freakin' hard when he's everywhere, in everything and everyone. I can never get him out of my head and it drives me crazy. I guess I'll keep trying, but I am getting so tired of it. I just wish the tears would stop...or at least lessen.

An Epiphany!

I think I had an epiphany the other day...but then again, I am not entirely positive what the official definition of an epiphany is, so maybe I didn't. I had a sort of revelation you could say.

I was driving down the road, listening to my music, singing along at the top of my lungs, all that jazz. I wasn't really paying attention to my spedometer because there were several cars on the road, so I was just following the flow of traffic. When I finally did glimpse at the spedometer, I saw I was going flippin' 75 in a 55. OOPS! I didn't even realize it cuz I was just following the flow and going with everyone else!

Soo, after I saw that and slowed down about twenty miles, I had my epiphany. At least what I think was an epiphany. I started thinking about how that was so much like life and faith. So often as we travel down the road of life, we get up in all the traffic. We end up just going with the flow because it feels right. It doesnt feel like we're speeding cuz everyone else is doing it, it doesnt feel wrong. We may not even notice we're "speeding". As we get caught up in the worldly things, we forget about the things that matter. We forget about our Savior and our Heavenly Father. And we may not even realize that we've forgotten about them until we check our "spedometer". God gave us speed limits - commandments. We should follow them not because we have to since it's the law, but because we want to. We don't want to get into some horrible accident and die. We want to survive on the road of life and make it to return home to our Heavenly Father one day.

So! Buckle up, follow the rules of the road, and drive safe! (And I'm talking both literally and metaphorically here.) :)

Where is Home?

My whole life I've never really felt like I fit anywhere. I've never truly been able to call home "home." It's kinda hard when you have the relationship I have with my siblings, and the relationship I used to have with my parents. I don't fit in there. Even when I was younger, I seriously thought God made a mistake and put me in the wrong family. Don't get me wrong, I love my family. I love my parents to death. I adore my little brother, and even though my relationship with my other siblings is pretty much non-existant, I still love them. They are all BFFs with each other, and I know one day I will be too...I just wonder when that day will come.



As I got older, I made amazing friends. My friends became my family. Some of their moms I called my mom. Some of their siblings I considered my siblings. But at the end of the night, it was my house I went home to; a house that didn't feel right. No matter how much I loved my friends and considered them my family, they weren't the family I needed. Then I met Tom. 

Tom's family is so sweet. They welcome me into their home with open arms. Every time I go over there I feel so welcome. Nobody there refuses to talk to me. Nobody there is mean to me. Nobody ignores me. The twins shower me with love...and yet, it's still not home. It's not MY family. It doesn't feel right. In fact, a lot of the time when I go over there I leave in a bad mood because I'm so frustrated and jealous. That family loves each other so much. They all care deeply about each other and share everything with each other. They protect and watch over each other.  I get so frustrated wondering when my family will treat me that way. When my siblings will start caring about me. When they will talk to me, or hang out with me.

When I got baptized, I spent the weekend at Tom's house. The night before my baptism I broke down to him crying. I was so upset because I knew that with my baptism I was probably severing any possibility of ever having a relationship with my siblings. I really hope I was wrong.

I've become resigned to the fact that I probably won't ever find where I truly fit until I start my own family some day. When I have my husband as my rock and my children to shower with affection. I don't know that I'll ever have a place to call home until I create home myself.