Blink & You'll Miss It

There are moments in life where the world really does seem to stop spinning. Where time truly does seem to slow down. These moments are fleeting and fragile, but oh so beautiful. You notice things. How blue the sky really is. How warm the sun feels on your face. Life seems simple. Peaceful. Blissful.

That was my evening tonight. It was one of those perfectly gorgeous spring days that makes it so you can't help but walk with a spring in your step and a smile on your face. Just perfect. Our little family had a delicious BBQ on our patio, soaking up this gorgeous day. But it wasn't until after dinner, when the food and table were cleaned up and packed up, and Benjamin had dragged out all his toys, that time slowed down. For a blissful moment, this crazy world stopped spinning. And I watched.

With Jacob on my lap, sitting on our porch steps, I watched Benjamin. I watched him squeal at the ants cleaning up the crumbs from our dinner. I watched him roar with delight as he blew and chased bubbles around. I watched him dig for worms in our garden. I watched and grinned as he drove his "motorcycle" (aka his bike...) "super fast" and made sure to stop at the red lights and stop signs. I could have watched him all day. That's when time stopped for me. And I was in bliss, watching my son explore the world. Life felt simple. Because toddlers are perfect for that: for reminding us fast-paced grownups about the simple pleasures in life.

I needed that. A slow evening. A "the world stops spinning" kind of evening. Because it's been a hard week.

It's started on Monday (those stupid Mondays...). Things were going just as they always go in the morning. Until it came time to drop the kids off at daycare. Jacob had fallen asleep in the car. And when I picked him up out of his seat, he did the most adorable stretching and grunting (have you ever noticed how freaking adorable baby stretches are??), eyes squeezed shut. He wrapped his arms around my neck and buried his face in my chest: he was not in the mood to wake up. Only to sleep and cuddle. I wanted nothing more than to pack up, go home, and never put him down again. How was I supposed to pass over this sleepy, snuggly, sweet little peanut to another woman?

If you've never been a working mother, you will never understand how it feels to pass your baby over to another woman 5 days a week. There's no other word for it than "heart-wrenching." It never gets easy. Sure, maybe easier. But never easy.

As I stood there soaking in his sweet baby smell while he nuzzled me, I was overcome with how fast time goes, and the unfairness of it all. Benjamin is at the age now where as soon as we get to daycare he runs off, so excited to play with his friends, without so much as a backwards glance at me. But, when I'm done talking to Miss B, and call to him that I'm going to work, he always drops what he's doing, runs back over to give me a quick peck and a squeeze, and then in the most adorable little voice yells "Have a good day, mommy!" as he's already running back to his friends. But how much longer do I have until those moments stop too? How many more pecks and bear hugs does he have left in him?

This Monday morning, as I snuggled Jacob goodbye, I could already see him running off without looking back. And it broke my heart to pass him over. How many more snuggles do I have left? We never know when the last snuggle is going to be the last snuggle. So I try not to complain of midnight dates with Jacob in the rocking chair, because soon enough I'll miss cuddling in the light of the moon on the rocking chair.

Life is so stinking crazy. There's no other way to put it. We are always go, go, go. And no matter how hard we try, we can't stop time. But we can slow down. We can put down our phones, and look up. We can watch and experience our babies growing, and the world around us. Because this time is going to go so fast. And if we blink, we'll miss it.


I'll tell ya though: as hard as it is to pass my babies off every day, there is a bright side - there are few things that melt your heart more than the sound of your toddler yelling "Mommy!" as he runs to you at the end of the day. Or the gummy smile your baby makes when he's back in your arms for the first time in 8 hours. The smiles, the hugs, the kisses, the cuddles - they make everything worth it. I will take them for as long as I can. They are the fuel that keep me going. 

It's Time for Some Me-Time

There's a gentle rain outside my window. It's one of the most soothing sounds for my soul. Just add some rolling thunder in the background, and I'd be purring like a kitten.

Except I hate cats. I'm a dog person.

But I digress. The soothing rain is the perfect backdrop for my post. Because I need to relax. Because I decided to bring back the blog. And it's stressing me out just a bit.

You see, I'm a full time working mom. Working 40 hours a week while trying to raise two sweet boys, keeping my marriage fresh and fun, maintaining a warm home, building and keeping friendships, and also taking care of myself, well, it's all rather exhausting. So how could I possibly fit time in to blog?

I just need to make the time. It needs to be a priority. Because really, I'm bringing back the blog because I need to do something for me.

Since becoming a mother a few years ago, I've stopped putting myself first. Or second. Or even third...I'm not sure where I rank on my own scale. And at first it was okay. In fact, it was wonderful. There was nothing I wanted more than to invest myself completely into my new little family. But lately, I feel like I've lost myself a little bit. And I want to find myself again.

So I'm going back to writing. To find myself. It's going to be quite an adventure. And I'd like you to come with me. Who knows what I'll find? Let's find it together.

Because maybe as I find myself, you'll find a bit of yourself too. It can be stressful and scary, this "finding yourself" business. But it can also be exciting.

So I'm grateful for this peaceful rain soothing my soul. Because I'm about to bare my soul to you. 

Priorities

I never write anymore. Gosh, it's been over a month since I've last written...sheesh! Remember the days when I'd write a couple times a week? 

My time is very precious to me these days. I am a stickler with my time. Well, my time with Benjamin anyway. You see, I'm home with him for about an hour in the morning, and about four at night before he goes to bed. That's five hours a day with my little peanut. Five hours. Too little. 

So those five hours are very precious to me. So I don't sit and write anymore. I don't even like to talk on the phone (I've become HORRIBLE at returning phone calls...). And I even hate when I have to make a pit stop at the grocery store or the gas station on my way home from work. I am just so anxious to get home and relish in those precious minutes with my far-too-quickly-growing baby boy.

I don't sketch anymore. I read far less. I can't remember the last time I shopped for myself, now I just shop for Benjamin. I haven't painted my nails in months. My life revolves around Benjamin - I don't do anything for myself anymore.

I guess you could count cooking dinner every night as something for myself, since I LOVE cooking, but sometimes even that is a chore, and I resent having to do it. I live my life completely differently than how I lived it 6 months ago. It's true what they say: once you have a kid, they control every aspect of your life.

But I don't see that as a bad thing...

Instead of spending an uninterrupted hour curled up on the couch reading a good book and a cup of hot cocoa, I splash around in bath time with Benjamin.

Instead of painting my toes while I sit on the floor watching Grey's Anatomy listening to Meredith and Christina divulge in their latest stories, I play peek-a-boo and tickle monster and get to listen to the giggles that melt my heart. 

Instead of Thomas and I talking about our days while eating dinner together, we talk about the funny faces Benjamin makes as he eats pureed carrots and zucchinis with us at the dinner table. 

Instead of Thomas and I playing cards together after work, we sing silly songs and try to teach Benjamin how to roll and scoot and crawl. 

Yes, my life is very different these days; my time prioritized in different ways. 

Much better ways.

I love my little family.

I love being a mom.

I love my Benjamin. 

Midnight Moments

It's 2:30am.

I jolt awake to Benjamin's crying from down the hall. He's not screaming; some may not even call it a cry. But he's making noise. And he's my baby. So I get out of my nice warm bed into the cold air of the house and walk down the hall to his room. 

He's lying in bed, wiggling back and forth, whimpering. He's too tired to even open his eyes. I stand and watch him for a minute, a smile creeping along my face as I watch his brow furrow and his lips pout. I love my sweet little boy.

At this point, many would say, "Just give him a pacifier," or "Let him put himself back to sleep." But I can't help it. I can't resist. I reach my arms down into his crib and scoop my baby up. I hold him tightly against my chest, feeling the steady rise and fall of his own chest, feeling his warmth against my chilly body. 

Sometimes, his eyes open at this point and he blinks confusedly at me. Then he registers what's going on and focuses on my face, and I get a flash of that big gummy smile of his. My heart melts. Sometimes, he just stretches and grunts and groans, eyes clamped tightly shut, and still, my heart melts. 

Whatever his reaction, I carry him over to the rocking chair, we snuggle up, and I nurse him. 

I get many critiques for this. "He'll never learn to sleep through the night." "You're creating a bad habit." And these thoughts run through my head as I stand by his crib watching him stir, debating what to do. Do I just give him his pacifier? Do I just have him put himself to sleep? Do I

resist the temptation to feed him? Do I really need to pick him up, hold him, and nurse him?

It's inevitable. The answer is always yes. Yes, I need to hold him, feed him, comfort him back to sleep. It's not because I fear for him being mad, or sad, or uncomfortable. It's not because I don't want to deal with him crying for long periods of time. I don't think he'll starve if I don't nurse him in the middle of the night. No, those are not what I fear.

What I fear, is him growing too fast.

I cherish those midnight moments so dearly. My heart swells and breaks all at once when we have our midnight cuddles. I relish the moments when it's just me and my sweet baby boy, all cuddles and snuggles, wrapped together in the warmth of each other, the moon kissing his cheek through the window. Those are some of my favorite moments of the day. 

It doesn't matter that I'm exhausted. It doesn't matter that I'd be more comfortable or warmer huddled under the blankets of my bed. What matters is that my baby boy is growing so fast, and I need to hold and cuddle him as much as I can before he's too big to hold and cuddle anymore.

These midnight moments are some of my favorite moments of my day.

Hello 2014...and Burnsville, MN!

So I'm finally getting back to writing! What a crazy past month it has been! I guess since it's now 2014 I can say what a crazy year it was!
Thomas and I welcomed 2013 rather quietly. We had a night together, just the two of us in our n

ew apartment. I had no expectations for the upcoming year; I was still grieving the loss of our first baby and not even thinking about another baby. I had just started a new job a couple of months prior to ringing in the new year and figured I'd be there for years to come. We had just moved into our first apartment and were living on our own for the first time. I had no expectations for 2013. It seemed like it was going to be a rather quiet year. 
I was so wrong.

The year was filled with all sorts of ups and downs!!
Within the first month of the year, Benjamin was growing in my belly. 
Four days after we found out I was pregnant, Thomas lost his job. 
A few weeks later, he had an internship.
But then a few months after that, he was let go.
Weeks before Benjamin was born. 
Then Benjamin came into our life. 
Our sweet wonderful Benjamin.
I accepted a new job at Mackin Educational Resources. 
Shortly after that, Thomas was offered a job with Apple as tech support. 
At the very end of the year, we moved to Burnsville.
A year full of changes that I never saw coming!
What a wonderful year it was!


As we welcome in 2014, once again, I'm not exactly sure what to expect. 
A lot of firsts, with Benjamin, obviously.
But aside from that, I'm not sure. 
Once again I have no expectations.
And I think I like it that way.
I've learned to not make plans!
So I'm just going to go with flow and see where 2014 takes the Macmillan family!

On a side note, let me rant about our new place!!

We are *loving* Burnsville. 
We live in the heart of the city, with [everything] about a five minute drive away, including my work.
Literally. Everything.
There's a library. 
And the Burnsville shopping mall.
And a Costco.
And Target.
About a hundred stores and restaurants. 
We just love it!
Even our church is just a little over 5 minutes away from where we cal home. We are going to use less gas in a week than I used in a day when I was commuting from Plymouth!

In addition to the location, we love our actual home. We went from a one bedroom apartment with rent at $1000/mo, to a two-story, three bedroom, two bathroom townhouse for the same price that it would have cost us to upgrade to a two-bedroom apartment at our old complex!! We have SOO much more room! Benjamin has his own room, finally, which is a dream! I no longer wake up from just the sound of his stretching!! My nights are so much better!