Lessons Learned

I'm 21 years old. That's not old by any means. I'm not wise or inquisite or experienced. I'm just me. But, throughout the few number of years I have been living this wonderful life, I have learned some valuable lessons and I would like to pass them on to whoever may happen to read this.

1. You can write just as great of an essay (if not better) an hour before it's due rather than working on it for weeks.
2. Friends come and go throughout your life, but family is forever - whether you want them to be or not. So make your relationship with them one you want to be stuck with.
3. It is incredibly messy if you sneeze while brushing your teeth.
4. While we'er on the subject of sneezing, avoid sneezing right after you put mascara on at all costs.
5. Nature is beautiful - take the time to notice it, to love it.
6. It's less embarassing when you trip and fall flat on your face if you laugh with everyone that's laughing at you.
7. It's seriously so NOT worth holding grudges...let it go and live your life.
8. Singing and dancing to your itunes in front of the mirror in your underwear is a great way to start the day.
9. Thunderstorms can make for better entertainment than movies - so grab a bowl of popcorn and enjoy.
10. Everyone in your life is going to hurt you in some way...but that doesn't mean you can stop letting people into your heart because of the fear of being hurt.
11. Windows rolled down, radio blaring, singing to the music at the top of your lungs is the only way to drive.
12. No two sunsets look the same.
13. Playing with puppies is the best pick-me-up in the world!
14. It is incredibly important to always see the silver lining in every stormcloud.
15. Laugh loud and obnoxiously, just let it out. It's more fun that way.
16. Dancing in the rain is one of the funnest things to do in the summer.
17. Life is better surrounded by friends and people you love and who love you.
18. Life sucks and is extremely hard a lot of the time...but it's totally awesome and an amazing ride most of the time.
19. No matter how many times you fall, God will always catch you and help you back on your feet.
20. It's important to read as often as you can.
21. A life without love is no life at all.

But the most important thing I've learned in the past 21 years of my life, is: Don't give a damn what anyone else thinks of you....Dare to be different, dare to be you. Dr. Seuss said it best: "Be who you are and say what you feel, those who mind don't matter and those who matter won't mind." Follow your heart, be true to yourself, and don't sell yourself for any less than what you're worth.

BFFs :)

So there's this girl. Her name is Christie Marie Hollingsworth. She's pretty much the most awesome girl I have ever met. We became bet friends in 7th grade, and bestest lovers ever in 9th...hahaha. Thank you to all the rotten boys out there. :) Anywho, this girl is one of my very best best friends. I love her dearly. Today, I want to thank her for being an amazing friend.

Christie, you are so awesome. We have been through so much shit together, but we have also been through soooo many awesome times together. You are the best friend I could ever ask for. You have always always been there for me. I can talk to you about anything and everything and my favorite part about our friendship? That we're both total complete idiots and don't give a damn what others think. :) I freakin' love how wild and crazy and obnoxious we are!! I love all our inside jokes!! I love our inappropriate-ness!! :) I love hanging out with you!! I love you! You are like a cousin to me!! hahahaha. I just want you to know you are the world's greatest friend, and I owe my life to you because without you in my life, I would not be who I am today. Girl, you are truly one in a million and I am soo glad we have stayed friends all these years and that our friendship is what it is: Pure Awesomeness. I love you girl!!

Then there's this other girl. She's a cousin of mine...Mallory. She's pretty much amazing too, and I want to tell her how much I love her, too!

Ooooh Mallory, I want to tell you how much I love you too. You are such an amazingly awesome friend. Yes, you're my cousin, but more than that, you're my friend. I love hanging out with you, talking to you, making fun of you! hahaha. You have been such a great friend to me! You have been soo supportive with my conversion and with Res Life stuff and with Tom. Words cannot describe how much you mean to me and how much I appreciate you and all you have done for me. You love me not cause you have to since we're cousins, but because we are best friends. You are amazing and I love you and I am so glad we have the amazing relationship that we do!! :)

You girls are amazing, and I love very very much. <3

Sick and Tired

I've been good. I've been very VERY good. For the past seven months almost I've barely spoken up. I do a good job at hiding my pain. I do a good job at putting on a happy face when I want nothing more than to stay huddled under my covers and never get out of bed. I've done very good about not being that whiney girl crying over her boyfriend. I do a good job at talking to others about Tom without crying. I do a good job at not snapping at girls when they complain that a day without their boyfriend feels like a year. I've been good. But I am very very tired of being good. I am tired of shutting up. I am so sick and tired of listening to girls complain about missing their boyfriend and only seeing them three days a week. I am so sick and tired of seeing couples all over the place. I am sick and tired of not being able to talk to anyone about how I feel. How could I possibly talk to someone about it? Who could possibly understand the pain I feel? I knew getting by with Tom on his mission would be hard, I just didn't imagine it to continue to be so hard after 7 months, I thought it would be easier by now.

I feel angry and sad and hurt and frustrated all the time. I like to think I am able to pull myself together very well, that people can't see the pain inside, but I feel like I'm constantly on the verge of falling apart. I see couples and I craaaave for Thomas. I want to hear his voice again. I want to hear him laugh - the deep belly laugh where he throws his head back and his smile is huge. I want to feel him again. To be able to reach out and know that he's there. To hold his hand, stroke his cheek and feel his scruffies, have his arms around my waist, cuddle with him. I want to play with him again - to wrestle and screw around till we're on the floor crying from laughing so hard. I want to talk to him. I want him to be there with me when I interview for Hall Manager. I want to call him and tell him all these amazing stories about how awesome my Parker Hall staff is and I want him to meet them all. I to hear him say "I love you more."

I'm tired of pretending to be okay. But at the same time, what's the point in being upset? Nothing's gonna change, he's not coming home anytime soon, so I might as well suck it up and keep going. But it's sooo freakin' hard when he's everywhere, in everything and everyone. I can never get him out of my head and it drives me crazy. I guess I'll keep trying, but I am getting so tired of it. I just wish the tears would stop...or at least lessen.

An Epiphany!

I think I had an epiphany the other day...but then again, I am not entirely positive what the official definition of an epiphany is, so maybe I didn't. I had a sort of revelation you could say.

I was driving down the road, listening to my music, singing along at the top of my lungs, all that jazz. I wasn't really paying attention to my spedometer because there were several cars on the road, so I was just following the flow of traffic. When I finally did glimpse at the spedometer, I saw I was going flippin' 75 in a 55. OOPS! I didn't even realize it cuz I was just following the flow and going with everyone else!

Soo, after I saw that and slowed down about twenty miles, I had my epiphany. At least what I think was an epiphany. I started thinking about how that was so much like life and faith. So often as we travel down the road of life, we get up in all the traffic. We end up just going with the flow because it feels right. It doesnt feel like we're speeding cuz everyone else is doing it, it doesnt feel wrong. We may not even notice we're "speeding". As we get caught up in the worldly things, we forget about the things that matter. We forget about our Savior and our Heavenly Father. And we may not even realize that we've forgotten about them until we check our "spedometer". God gave us speed limits - commandments. We should follow them not because we have to since it's the law, but because we want to. We don't want to get into some horrible accident and die. We want to survive on the road of life and make it to return home to our Heavenly Father one day.

So! Buckle up, follow the rules of the road, and drive safe! (And I'm talking both literally and metaphorically here.) :)

Where is Home?

My whole life I've never really felt like I fit anywhere. I've never truly been able to call home "home." It's kinda hard when you have the relationship I have with my siblings, and the relationship I used to have with my parents. I don't fit in there. Even when I was younger, I seriously thought God made a mistake and put me in the wrong family. Don't get me wrong, I love my family. I love my parents to death. I adore my little brother, and even though my relationship with my other siblings is pretty much non-existant, I still love them. They are all BFFs with each other, and I know one day I will be too...I just wonder when that day will come.



As I got older, I made amazing friends. My friends became my family. Some of their moms I called my mom. Some of their siblings I considered my siblings. But at the end of the night, it was my house I went home to; a house that didn't feel right. No matter how much I loved my friends and considered them my family, they weren't the family I needed. Then I met Tom. 

Tom's family is so sweet. They welcome me into their home with open arms. Every time I go over there I feel so welcome. Nobody there refuses to talk to me. Nobody there is mean to me. Nobody ignores me. The twins shower me with love...and yet, it's still not home. It's not MY family. It doesn't feel right. In fact, a lot of the time when I go over there I leave in a bad mood because I'm so frustrated and jealous. That family loves each other so much. They all care deeply about each other and share everything with each other. They protect and watch over each other.  I get so frustrated wondering when my family will treat me that way. When my siblings will start caring about me. When they will talk to me, or hang out with me.

When I got baptized, I spent the weekend at Tom's house. The night before my baptism I broke down to him crying. I was so upset because I knew that with my baptism I was probably severing any possibility of ever having a relationship with my siblings. I really hope I was wrong.

I've become resigned to the fact that I probably won't ever find where I truly fit until I start my own family some day. When I have my husband as my rock and my children to shower with affection. I don't know that I'll ever have a place to call home until I create home myself.

My Conversion Story

So, when I first started my blog, I said I would maybe tell my conversion story...well, I think it's time for me to do so.

I met my amazing Thomas Alexander Macmillan my junior year of high school. We fell in love right away, so hard so fast. He quickly became the center of my world. Showering me wtih love, affection, romance, and plenty of awesomely great kisses and hugs, he was the most amazing person I ever met, a true blessing from God. I grew up Roman Catholic, he grew up Mormon. I had a very strong faith, both inwardly and outwardly. He had a very strong faith, but more inwardly then outwardly. After probably only 8 months or so, we started talking about spending the rest of our lives together. Sure, it seemed kinda crazy at the time, I was 18, he was 17, but everything felt so right, so perfect. I truly believe we were made for each other. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this person, so I figured I needed to learn more about his religion. My religion was a big part of who I was, it defined me, and I knew it was the same for him, so I wanted to learn more about the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints in order to learn more about him and who he was.

So, around our one year anniversary-ish time, I bout the book, Mormonism for Dummies. I didn't want to learn about the church from him or his family, because I didn't want them to pressure me to join since I was only reading about it to learn, not to convert, so I bought the book. The more I read the book though, the more I started liking this religion. I liked what they believed, what they taught, what they valued. I became interested in the church on an entirely different level. By the time I finished the book, I was in love with the religion, but I wasn't sure if it was true. I didn't act on my thoughts, but I prayed about it, trying to figure out what to do.

One day a little while later, Tom's mom called me at work, luckily catching me while I was on break. She told me that she didn't mean to bother me, but it had been a while since she had asked if I would be interested in meeting with the missionaries, so she thought she would just offer again and see if I was interested. I saw this as a direct sign from God, an answer to my prayer. So I said I wanted to meet with them.

I met with Elder Fernandez and Elder Green and they gave me my first lesson, a brief overview of the church's beliefs. I went home and prayed, still unsure what to believe or what to think. After a couple discussions, Elder Fernandez showed me a DVD on prayer. A leader of the church spoke about prayer, and how we must pray sincerely in order to get an answer and that Heavenly Father will answer our prayers in His own time, when He knows we are ready for an answer. During that lesson I was moved to tears. I felt the Spirit so strongly and I knew what I had to do. I had to pray sinccerely. I knew, after watching the video, that I hadn't been praying with a sincere heart, because deep down I was scared. I didn't want an answer because I was afraid it wouldn't be the answer I wanted to hear. So that night I got on my knees and prayed like I had never prayed before. I cried and talked to God for a long time, told Him I was ready for the truth, ready to know which church was the true church of Christ, even if it meant leaving everything I had been taught to believe my whole life. Even if it meant breaking away even more from my family than I already was. I was ready for the truth...As I prayed, I felt an overwhelming sense of comfort. I was at total complete peace, like I've never felt before; kinda felt like my body was jello...lol. I knew it was the Spirit, and I knew the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints was Heavenly Father's true church.

The next time I met with the missionaries, I told them I was ready to be baptized, that I wanted to join the church. On September 27, 2008, I was baptized by proper authority into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. It was the best day of my life and no day will ever top that; I don't think my wedding will even be as amazing...lol. (No offense Tom....lol.) I love this church very much. I know without a shadow of a doubt that this is the true church of Christ. I know that Heavenly Father loves me. I know that Joseph Smith was a true prophet of God, and I am so grateful that we have prophets on the earth today. This church has brought so many blessings to my life, and I am so grateful for it. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Hold On a Little Longer

So a little while ago I wrote about how my new year's resolution is to turn to Heavenly Father more and to be a better daughter to Him. Well, I finally got around to reading the newest Ensign several days ago (the Ensign is the Mormon church magazine). The opening article in the magazine was absolutely PERFECT for me. President Uchtdorf talks about how we need to have God in our daily lives in order to face the adversities that are bound to come at us in our every day life. We can't just turn to Him in times of trouble, but we constantly need Him on a daily basis.

I think everyone should read this article. It's inspiring and wonderful, and I think I've read it a dozen times already in just the past week. I hope it touches your lives the way it has touched mine. :)

Hold on a Little Longer by President Uchtdorf

IDK...

I don't know what to write about. There's about a million things that are running through my head that I want to talk about.

I want to talk about my family. I love my family. I love my mom, my dad, my siblings, my cousins, my aunts, my uncles, my grandparents. I have a great family. A lot of the time though, I feel like I don't fit in with my immediate family, and this feeling has been for most of my life, not just part of converting. I have never been able to create any sort of a relationship with my siblings, and as much as it pains me, I don't really know what to do about it.

I want to talk about my friends. In the past six  months, I have found out so much about friendship. I have discovered who my true friends are, realized that "friends" may just use me and take advantage of me, and I think I have discovered what it means to be a true friend to another.

I want to talk about my Thomas. He is the most amazing person I have ever met and has changed my life and who I am in countless positive ways. To say that I love him would be a grand understatement. He is the sun in my sky, and every day he is gone my heart aches for him. Every day that passes without hearing his voice, feeling his touch, seeing his smile, hurts. But our relationship has grown into a deeper entirely new level that I can't explain and that I am extremely grateful for.

I want to talk about my faith. I want to talk about my love for my Heavenly Father and His love for me and for all of us. I want to talk about the awesomeness that is the The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. My Savior brings me peace, comfort, and love and one day I will be with him in the Celestial Kingdom. One day I will be sealed for eternity to my husband and my children and we will be together forever.

I want to talk about school. About living in the dorms as an RA. About going through the application process of becomming a Hall Manager. About the torture of writing history essays. About my staff and my friends I have made at college, and how I thought no one would be able to be as awesome as my high school friends - - Man was I so so completely wrong!

I want to talk about books. I love to read, and I think everyone needs to read as much as their lives allow. It gives a way to escape the stress and fast-paced world around us. It allows our imaginations to stay active and create pictures in our minds.

I want to talk about my hopes and dreams. How I hope to one day be an amazing mom and wife. How I hope to change the lives of the students I teach for the better. How I hope to inspire people to see the beauty and wonder in the world around us. How I hope to one day have a library in my house. ;) How I hope to one day have many puppies. How I hope that one day war will stop and peace will reign - even though that sounds cliche and corny...

I want to talk about me. I want to talk about my passions - passion for life, for nature, for books, for dreams, for thunderstorms, for animals, for love, for everything! I want to talk about how I've grown, or changed, or what I've discovered about myself. For instance, I've been learning lately to be more assertive, to not be such a pushover and let people walk all over me. I want to talk about what makes me happy, what makes me sad, what makes me angry, and what makes me laugh.

I don't really know where to start or how to write about stuff. I am not used to this...I journal, but that's different. The only one who reads that is me, and I usually write as if I'm writing to God. I don't know, I'm still learning how to do this whole blogging thing...maybe its not for me...

My First Resolutions!

So it's officially a new year! Should be exciting, right? Guess we'll see what 2010 brings...

I don't usually do resolutions because I think they're dumb. I think you should always be striving to be your best, to be a better person, not just starting over at the beginning of every year, and having your resolution only lasting a few weeks...This year, I think I'm going to go against my norms and set some resolutions for myself.

First, I want to be a better daughter to my Heavenly Father. Since Tom left, I feel like I have kinda failed in that department. My family (particularly my siblings) still like to make it very diffficult to live in the house with them while being Mormon. Before, if something happened at home, I had Tom to go to. I would go to Tom, he would make me feel better, and I would have the strength, energy and will to then pray to my Heavenly Father about it. But now, I turn to no one, and it gets exhausting. I get frustrated, tired, angry, and hurt, and to the point where I don't want to be with anyone or talk to anyone, including my Heavenly Father. I get angry that I have to do this alone...I forget that I am far from being alone, that Christ is always with me. I forget that He knows everything I am going through, all the pain I've feel - He's felt it too. I forget Him and my new resolution is to stop forgetting Him and to be a better Divine Daughter.

Second, I want to be a better to those around me. I want to be a better friend, a better sister, a better daughter. I just want to be a better person. I want to do more to help anyone I see who needs help. To be there for anyone who needs me. To take care of the people I love in my life. To show kindness to those around me, even strangers. I want to be more like Christ, and I think the biggest Christ-like attribute is charity, so my other resolution is to display charity much more frequently in my life. I want to be a better person because I know if I can be a better person, I will make my life better and the life of those around me better.

So, my first resolutions I've ever made. I hope I can do it! :)