What a Wonderful World

On Friday I took Benjamin to the Minnesota Zoo. They have an exhibit right now about Dinosaurs. You take a trail through a prehistoric time zone, and there are robotic dinosaurs all throughout this wooded trail. They did a really good job: the dinosaurs look pretty realistic. They move, and grunt, and roar.

Benjamin loves dinosaurs. All of Thursday night and Friday morning we talked about how mommy wasn't going to go to work, but instead mommy and Benjamin were going to go to the zoo together and see the dinosaurs - he was ecstatic. All he could talk about was the dinosaurs. He was practically shaking with excitement.

There's a big stone archway to walk through, and right at the front is a giant brontosaurus-type dinosaur, moving it's head and roaring at you. One minute he was skipping and singing about dinosaurs, the next, he heard the roar and stopped dead in his tracks.

"That's a big dinosaur." He said.
"It is! Should we go see it?"
"No, I don't want to. It's gonna get me."
"It won't get you. It's a nice dinosaur."
...after some more coaxing, he took my hand.
"You keep me safe, mommy?"
"Yes, sweetie. I'll keep you safe."
"You promise?"
"I promise."

So we began tip-toeing through the arch and into the prehistoric, hand in hand.

It was my favorite experience I've ever had with Benjamin. Hands down. We tiptoed up to the dinosaurs, and whispered to them.

"Hi dinosaur. I'm your friend. You be nice, okay?"

Some dinosaurs he didn't want to walk past, and I had to carry him, his legs and arms wrapped intensely around my body. He kept asking if I was going to keep him safe. He was holding my hand tighter than he ever had. And he thought the dinosaurs were real. In his heart and soul, he didn't doubt for a second that he was walking among living, breathing, dinosaurs...

And today we went to the Mall of America. We adventured through Sea Life and I adored watching him squeal with delight as sharks, sting rays, and sea turtles swam over his head. His eyes were bright with excitement, wonder and awe.

After Sea Life, we went on some rides. I sat with him on a school bus that went up into the air in a giant circle, as he squealed: "Lookit, Mommy! We flying!"

One of the best things about being a parent is experiencing the world through my toddler's eyes. When does the world lose it's magic? When do we stop believing in the impossible? When does our imagination dissipate, to be replaced by the mundane world of bills and responsibilities?

It's not a particular age. And it's different for everyone. Life is tough. And as we get older, it seems to get tougher. We earn bumps and bruises along the way. We fight battles. We climb mountains. And it can be just downright exhausting.

Being a parent has reminded me that the world is still a magical place, and that even among the mundane, life can be exhilarating. There are magical things all around us: rainbows, lightning & thunder, bubbles. Gosh, watch a toddler play with bubbles, and all your worries will disappear. I'm striving to see the world the way my toddler sees the world. A world where stairs are mountains we have to climb to escape the tigers chasing us. Where living, breathing dinosaurs could be a reality. Where crocodiles live in our bathtubs, and we can "fly" through the field of grass simply by sticking out our arms and running with the wind kissing our cheeks. A simpler, magical world full of limitless possibilities. A world where anything is possible. And everything is beautiful.

In One Door and Out the Other

You learn a lot about life when you become a parent. Kids are great at inadvertently teaching you life lessons. Take my Benji, for example. Every day he teaches me something. Sometimes it's patience. Sometimes it's selflessness. Other times, it's a lesson I have to dig for...

He's a professional potty-goer. Has been for about a year. He does a great job at going on his own. In fact, he doesn't usually like anyone to help him. It's one of my favorite things, for two reasons:

1) It means I don't have to make a trek to the bathroom every hour with him and spend my time pulling down and up undies and wiping a squishy little toddler bum (motherhood is a glorious occupation).

2) It means I get to excitedly wait for him to come back into the room and see how he looks. Usually  he looks quite amusing:

It happens frequently. He goes in the through the door looking one way, and comes back out looking another way. Sometimes, a lot of the time, totally mismatched and crazy looking. 

But that's life, right? Sometimes, we have plans. We make these plans and, on paper, they look all put together and perfect. But then life happens. We walk in through life's door, and come out totally different. Half of the time we don't look anything like we did when we first walked in. And often times, not only do we look totally different, but we're completely mismatched.

And that's okay. 

Because even though Benjamin comes out looking completely changed and a little silly, he's still this crazy, happy, goofy kid. He just dives right back in to whatever he was doing before he needed to go potty, enjoying all the simple pleasures life has to offer him.

Sometimes life throws us curveballs. Sometimes things don't go as we planned. Sometimes we go through life's challenges and come out a little different. A little mismatched. And that's okay. Because if there's one thing my toddler has taught me through his bathroom adventures, it's that imperfections add to our character...and they should never hold us back from enjoying the joys life has to offer.

Blink & You'll Miss It

There are moments in life where the world really does seem to stop spinning. Where time truly does seem to slow down. These moments are fleeting and fragile, but oh so beautiful. You notice things. How blue the sky really is. How warm the sun feels on your face. Life seems simple. Peaceful. Blissful.

That was my evening tonight. It was one of those perfectly gorgeous spring days that makes it so you can't help but walk with a spring in your step and a smile on your face. Just perfect. Our little family had a delicious BBQ on our patio, soaking up this gorgeous day. But it wasn't until after dinner, when the food and table were cleaned up and packed up, and Benjamin had dragged out all his toys, that time slowed down. For a blissful moment, this crazy world stopped spinning. And I watched.

With Jacob on my lap, sitting on our porch steps, I watched Benjamin. I watched him squeal at the ants cleaning up the crumbs from our dinner. I watched him roar with delight as he blew and chased bubbles around. I watched him dig for worms in our garden. I watched and grinned as he drove his "motorcycle" (aka his bike...) "super fast" and made sure to stop at the red lights and stop signs. I could have watched him all day. That's when time stopped for me. And I was in bliss, watching my son explore the world. Life felt simple. Because toddlers are perfect for that: for reminding us fast-paced grownups about the simple pleasures in life.

I needed that. A slow evening. A "the world stops spinning" kind of evening. Because it's been a hard week.

It's started on Monday (those stupid Mondays...). Things were going just as they always go in the morning. Until it came time to drop the kids off at daycare. Jacob had fallen asleep in the car. And when I picked him up out of his seat, he did the most adorable stretching and grunting (have you ever noticed how freaking adorable baby stretches are??), eyes squeezed shut. He wrapped his arms around my neck and buried his face in my chest: he was not in the mood to wake up. Only to sleep and cuddle. I wanted nothing more than to pack up, go home, and never put him down again. How was I supposed to pass over this sleepy, snuggly, sweet little peanut to another woman?

If you've never been a working mother, you will never understand how it feels to pass your baby over to another woman 5 days a week. There's no other word for it than "heart-wrenching." It never gets easy. Sure, maybe easier. But never easy.

As I stood there soaking in his sweet baby smell while he nuzzled me, I was overcome with how fast time goes, and the unfairness of it all. Benjamin is at the age now where as soon as we get to daycare he runs off, so excited to play with his friends, without so much as a backwards glance at me. But, when I'm done talking to Miss B, and call to him that I'm going to work, he always drops what he's doing, runs back over to give me a quick peck and a squeeze, and then in the most adorable little voice yells "Have a good day, mommy!" as he's already running back to his friends. But how much longer do I have until those moments stop too? How many more pecks and bear hugs does he have left in him?

This Monday morning, as I snuggled Jacob goodbye, I could already see him running off without looking back. And it broke my heart to pass him over. How many more snuggles do I have left? We never know when the last snuggle is going to be the last snuggle. So I try not to complain of midnight dates with Jacob in the rocking chair, because soon enough I'll miss cuddling in the light of the moon on the rocking chair.

Life is so stinking crazy. There's no other way to put it. We are always go, go, go. And no matter how hard we try, we can't stop time. But we can slow down. We can put down our phones, and look up. We can watch and experience our babies growing, and the world around us. Because this time is going to go so fast. And if we blink, we'll miss it.


I'll tell ya though: as hard as it is to pass my babies off every day, there is a bright side - there are few things that melt your heart more than the sound of your toddler yelling "Mommy!" as he runs to you at the end of the day. Or the gummy smile your baby makes when he's back in your arms for the first time in 8 hours. The smiles, the hugs, the kisses, the cuddles - they make everything worth it. I will take them for as long as I can. They are the fuel that keep me going. 

It's Time for Some Me-Time

There's a gentle rain outside my window. It's one of the most soothing sounds for my soul. Just add some rolling thunder in the background, and I'd be purring like a kitten.

Except I hate cats. I'm a dog person.

But I digress. The soothing rain is the perfect backdrop for my post. Because I need to relax. Because I decided to bring back the blog. And it's stressing me out just a bit.

You see, I'm a full time working mom. Working 40 hours a week while trying to raise two sweet boys, keeping my marriage fresh and fun, maintaining a warm home, building and keeping friendships, and also taking care of myself, well, it's all rather exhausting. So how could I possibly fit time in to blog?

I just need to make the time. It needs to be a priority. Because really, I'm bringing back the blog because I need to do something for me.

Since becoming a mother a few years ago, I've stopped putting myself first. Or second. Or even third...I'm not sure where I rank on my own scale. And at first it was okay. In fact, it was wonderful. There was nothing I wanted more than to invest myself completely into my new little family. But lately, I feel like I've lost myself a little bit. And I want to find myself again.

So I'm going back to writing. To find myself. It's going to be quite an adventure. And I'd like you to come with me. Who knows what I'll find? Let's find it together.

Because maybe as I find myself, you'll find a bit of yourself too. It can be stressful and scary, this "finding yourself" business. But it can also be exciting.

So I'm grateful for this peaceful rain soothing my soul. Because I'm about to bare my soul to you. 

Priorities

I never write anymore. Gosh, it's been over a month since I've last written...sheesh! Remember the days when I'd write a couple times a week? 

My time is very precious to me these days. I am a stickler with my time. Well, my time with Benjamin anyway. You see, I'm home with him for about an hour in the morning, and about four at night before he goes to bed. That's five hours a day with my little peanut. Five hours. Too little. 

So those five hours are very precious to me. So I don't sit and write anymore. I don't even like to talk on the phone (I've become HORRIBLE at returning phone calls...). And I even hate when I have to make a pit stop at the grocery store or the gas station on my way home from work. I am just so anxious to get home and relish in those precious minutes with my far-too-quickly-growing baby boy.

I don't sketch anymore. I read far less. I can't remember the last time I shopped for myself, now I just shop for Benjamin. I haven't painted my nails in months. My life revolves around Benjamin - I don't do anything for myself anymore.

I guess you could count cooking dinner every night as something for myself, since I LOVE cooking, but sometimes even that is a chore, and I resent having to do it. I live my life completely differently than how I lived it 6 months ago. It's true what they say: once you have a kid, they control every aspect of your life.

But I don't see that as a bad thing...

Instead of spending an uninterrupted hour curled up on the couch reading a good book and a cup of hot cocoa, I splash around in bath time with Benjamin.

Instead of painting my toes while I sit on the floor watching Grey's Anatomy listening to Meredith and Christina divulge in their latest stories, I play peek-a-boo and tickle monster and get to listen to the giggles that melt my heart. 

Instead of Thomas and I talking about our days while eating dinner together, we talk about the funny faces Benjamin makes as he eats pureed carrots and zucchinis with us at the dinner table. 

Instead of Thomas and I playing cards together after work, we sing silly songs and try to teach Benjamin how to roll and scoot and crawl. 

Yes, my life is very different these days; my time prioritized in different ways. 

Much better ways.

I love my little family.

I love being a mom.

I love my Benjamin.