Oh the Confusion!

Sometimes, I have to remind myself what it feels like to be in love. I know Thomas is the love of my life. I know I want to spend the rest of forever with him. I know we have an amazing relationship. But sometimes I forget what it feels like to be in love.

It's been twenty flippin' months. I have 100 days left today. And I'm feeling rather glum. I haven't gotten a letter from him in about 3 weeks. They used to come almost weekly. I am so sick of waiting. I am sick of having to remind myself what love feels like.

Sometimes, in his letters, I get that feeling. Ya know, where your heart swells and you're filled with warm fuzzies because he makes you feel like the most beautiful and luckiest woman on the face of the planet. That happens every once in a while. Like last week's email, he wrote: "I miss you soo much today. I'm sorry that you've been sick and i can't be there to help you get better, i wish i could be. I love you so much!" That was the extent of love. The 10 seconds it took me to read that, that's what I have to last me through the next week. That's the extent of my love.

I'm sorry, it's not enough. I don't mean to sit here and piss and moan about my boyfriend not telling me he loves me enough. I understand he's a missionary, he shouldn't be focusing on me, he should be focusing on his misson - which he does to an excellent extent. But I just am so tired of it. I'm tired of not feeling in love. I'm tired of waiting. I'm just tired of it all.

Here's the kicker - there's a guy. Not a guy I would ever leave Tom for, cause let's face it, there's no guy I would ever leave Tom for. But there's a guy who's giving me everything Tom can't, and I find myself falling for him...kinda hard. He's super funny, we get along great, I can talk to him about just about anything, and he's just pretty much awesome. I tell myself I need to hang out with him less because I really don't like that he's making me think and feel these things, but he's just such a good friend, I can't stop being around him. I enjoy his company far too much. And I'm just all confused inside now.

I've been talking to a friend about it a lot, trying to sort everything in my brain out, but I'm not really having any success. I can't tell if these things I am feeling for my friend, let's call him Jake for the sake of a name, are just because I miss being in love and feeling those attractions with Tom, or if I actually have something deeper for Jake. I can't tell if I like Jake, or just the feelings Jake gives me. It's all so confusing, and I'm not even entirely sure I'm making sense here, writing all this down now. Probably not. So I guess I'm just gonna go and leave all the confusion still bubbling around in my brain. Blah!

Laugh It Off

I am really stupid in social situations a lot of the time.

I am waaaay too loud.

I am far too obnoxious.

And I sometimes forget not everyone thinks the same way I do.

 

I am all for pranks. I am all for a good laugh. But sometimes I forget not everyone is. You can pull pranks on me and tease me all you want: I'll laugh along and have fun with it. I don't get mad or upset. But I foget other people do. And my problem isn't just that I like to pull pranks, but a lot of times, I take them too far.

 

I pissed off my friend today. I pulled a prank on her. I thought it was funny, she so did not. And now she's mad. And not talking to me. I've apologized, but now I don't know what to do. The problem, according to her, is that not only do I do stuff like this to her, but I do it alllll the time. Which, I'll admit, is true.

 

But I can't help it. I think it's funny. And I can honestly say if someone did the same thing to me, I'd laugh. But I laugh at everything. So maybe my opinion isn't legit.

 

Uuuggghhh...why must people be so fickle?! Can't everyone just learn to laugh everything off? Life's more fun that way.

Love from my Love

Great news today - My Valentine's Day package from Thomas arrived in the mail! Woot woot!

I was just getting out of class when I got a text from one of my staff members that read: "Not to excite you or anything...but you may or may not have a package" - WOOHOO! My pace definitely quickened as I walked back to the hall in the gorgeous 50 degree weather we had today. I got to hall, went straight to the front desk, and saw this:

My heart sank to my stomach. I was crushed - just like my box...bahaha. No seriously though. I was upset. I was hoping and hoping that even though the box was completely demolished, the insides were okay...

And they were! I received some wonderful tokens of love from my love!



I got a puppy!! Teehee. And a lovely letter complete with a list of things he misses about me! Some of my favorite chocolates - Lindt truffles. And these cute little dollar bills folded into hearts. There was a little story that went with the hearts. The note read: "Inside you will see three hearts. One is obviously brand new, the second a little older, and the third older still. What you will also notice is that they are still worth the same. Our love, to some, is brand new. But no matter how long it's been around it will be just as true in 50 years as it is today." Ahhh I love that man so incredibly much!

Show the Love

I can't sleep.

I don't know whether to blame it on too much caffeine today, or Tom not getting outta my head.

Tomorrow (or I guess today since it's well after 1 am...crap! I missed 1:11...), is Valentine's Day. Don't worry, I'm not one of those sappy, depressing girls who hate this holiday because they don't have a boyfriend. Which, I guess is maybe because I actually do have a boyfriend, but ya know, it really feels like I don't a lot of the days. But like I was saying, I don't get all depressed just because I can't be with him...or see him...or speak to him...or even shoot him a text...no, seriously, I'm okay...

Anywho, I still love the holiday. Sure, people can complain it's overly commercialized and whatever, because let's face it: It is. But who cares? What isn't commercialized these days, seriously? Forget about trying to boycott candy and flower companies and Hallmark. The day is about love: so do just that.

There's lots of different kinds of love out there. The beef I have with this holiday, is that people now link it only to the love of a significant other. Um, HELLO! That's just stupid. I surely hope there is more than one person out there that you love.

So, let's think about it. All the people we can love. Here's my list of people I love on this wonderful holiday:

My parents

My aunts, uncles, and cousins

My siblings

My Thomas

My Macmillan family

My friends

My staff

See what I mean? The holiday is soooo not about whether or not you're single. It's about love. Plain and simple. So go out there and show some love today people...heck, show some love everyday.

The Blessings of the Temple

Tomorrow at church I'm giving a talk on the blessings of the temple. So here's my final product. Enjoy!



Salt Lake City Utah Temple

When President Roell asked me to speak today on the blessings of the temple, I was ecstatic…and for multiple reasons. First, because I don’t get to give talks often. The last talk I gave was on Father’s Day, and that just feels like forever ago. Even though there’s the incredible anxiety that accompanies standing at this podium and speaking to you all, I thoroughly enjoy it. Second, because the temple is an amazing place. End of story. But then the more I thought about this talk I had to give, the more I became really nervous, and the more I started to doubt myself. The blessings of the temple? How could I be a good person to talk about the blessings of the temple? I’ve only been able to go about 3 times since I was baptized just over two years ago, and I’ve only ever been able to do baptisms. There’s SOOO much about the temple that I have yet to learn and experience. There’s so much about the temple that I have yet to understand. But then I realized, just because I haven’t experienced all there is to experience with the temple, doesn’t mean that I have missed out on the opportunity to experience the wonderful blessings that come with making the temple a part of our lives.

The Washington DC Temple

Stepping into the temple is like stepping into a whole new world. In Matthew 6, verses 19-21, the Lord tells us: “Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal: But lay up for yourselves treasures in Heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal: For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.” When we walk through the doors of the temple, the worldliness in our lives is lost, and we instead find the sacredness of our lives – we find the treasures of eternity. Just simply being inside the temple brings one blessings. Just by being in the house of our Lord we can feel our burdens lifted off our shoulders; we can feel the warmth enter our souls; we can feel the peace flow through our veins; and we can feel the love of our wonderful merciful Savior.

The temple is quite literally the House of the Lord – so how can we feel anything but positive blessings when we visit the temple? The temple can be a source of comfort and peace, a source of strength and courage, and a source of hope and love.

The San Diego Temple

Just by entering the House of our Lord, we can feel the weight lifted off our shoulders. When we set foot through those doors, it’s as if we are walking through a cleansing, purifying waterfall. Once through those doors, our worries, our stresses, our burdens are simply washed away, and instead they are replaced with a feeling of complete peace, a feeling of pure comfort. We can feel the love of our Savior. The temple provides purpose for our lives. Our earthly life is just a part of our eternal journey, and the temple serves as an instrumental tool in our earthly life to complete our journey back to our Heavenly Father. The sacred ordinances that are performed within the walls of the temple are crucial stepping stones that allow us to someday live in the Celestial Kingdom.

Laie Hawaii Temple

Along with bringing a sense of comfort, peace, and purpose to our lives, the temple blesses us with strength and courage. When we make attendance of the temple a regular part of our lives, we are blessed with the strength to face our worldly struggles. And when you think about it, it makes complete sense. Look at the difference regular prayer and scripture study makes in our lives. Whenever we have hurdles to jump and mountains to climb, prayer and our scriptures are a surefire way to find the strength and courage we need to overcome those obstacles. So wouldn’t it make sense, that if we can use those simple tools as a source of strength, that the temple, where our Father lives, where the presence of the Holy Spirit can be overwhelming, would be an even greater and perhaps more powerful source of strength? Upon entering the temple we feel washed with comfort. Upon performing sacred ordinances in the temple, we can be consumed by the fire of the Holy Spirit. We can have that fire light inside our souls. The Holy Spirit can be our constant companion, and can give us the strength we need outside of the temple to face all the adversity Satan tries to bring into our lives.



The St.Paul, Minnesota Temple



Perhaps one of the greatest blessings that the temple brings to our lives is a feeling of hope and love. I know for me, personally, the temple shines as a beacon of hope in my life. Anytime I drive home from school, I drive right past the temple. As I’m cruising down 694, I always scan the horizon in the hopes of catching a glimpse of that golden Moroni statue shining between the leafless trees – I can only look during the winter months because when the trees are full, that precious Moroni is hidden. But those times when I do have the chance to catch a glimpse, I always strain my eyes in the vain hopes to just see it for a moment. And when I do see it, my heart fills with joy, and a feeling of warmth washes over me. And that’s just from catching a glimpse of it, not even entering the temple. But I think it’s because the temple is such a strong source of hope for me. The temple serves as a reminder to me that families can be together forever. The immense love that surrounds a family can be sealed for time and all eternity.

Hong Kong China Temple

Now, I have not been fortunate enough to have the best relationship with my family. But even with all the baggage that accompanies my family, I still dream of the day when we will be sealed forever…like I mentioned earlier, I am a convert, so I can’t be sealed to my parents anytime soon. But there is a fire of hope inside my heart that someday, eventually, we will be. In the meantime, I just dream about being sealed to Tom and our future family. For those of you who don’t know, Tom has been my wonderful boyfriend for nearly five years now…and he’s currently a missionary out in Idaho (he’ll be home in 115 days, but who’s counting, right?). We talk about temple sealings and making the temple a regular part of our lives in the future quite frequently. And think about it: when we simply have our sights set on what the temple has to offer, it brings blessings to our lives – even before we can actually partake in what the temple has to offer, without even setting foot in the temple. By simply wanting to go through the temple, we are blessed. We strive to live righteously and to follow our Lord’s commandments, so that we may enter His house. And we know from the scriptures that when we do live righteously, we receive the blessings our Father has to offer us. In Mosiah chapter 2, verse 41 we are told: “I would desire that ye should consider on the blessed and happy state of those that keep the commandments of God. For behold, they are blessed in all things, both temporal and spiritual; and if they hold out faithful to the end they are received into heaven, that thereby they may dwell with God in a state of never-ending happiness.” Keeping our eye on the temple serves as a reminder to keep God’s commandments, and to live righteously every day.

Caracas Venezuela Temple

The temple also serves as a source of deep love for those who attend. What a selfless love it is that takes place in the house of our Lord. The temple allows us the opportunity to complete ordinances not only for ourselves, but for our brothers and sisters who have perished without the opportunity to fulfill these sacred ordinances themselves. It’s such a wonderful feeling to be a part of such an unselfish and loving work; to be a part of helping our brothers and sisters complete the necessary stepping stones to finish their eternal journey and return to live with our Heavenly Father. These ordinances for the dead serve as a source of hope: there is hope for our loved ones who have perished without the opportunity to receive the fullness of the gospel in this life.

Madrid Spain Temple

The blessings that the temple has to offer are countless. When we strive to live our lives in a way that allows us to be temple-going people, we are eternally blessed. We can receive these blessings before we even set foot in the temple, as soon as we walk through the temple doors, while we perform the sacred ordinances within the temple walls, and even upon leaving the temple and as we live our daily lives afterward. I testify to you all, the temple truly is a miraculous place. It is a place where we can be close to our Heavenly Father. A place where we can be consumed with the fire of the Spirit. A place where we can build covenants with our Lord. A place of comfort, strength, hope, and love. It is the dwelling place of our Lord and Savior, and we, as children of God, will be blessed eternally when we make the temple a cornerstone in our daily lives. I say these things in the name of our Savior, Jesus Christ. Amen.



L.O.V.E.

I love puppies.

I love bright colors: particularly yellow.

I love nature.

I love taking pictures.

I love my missionary.

I love walks outdoors.

I love books.

I love babies.

I love my cousins.

I love my job.

I love my Savior.

I love food....particularly steak, popcorn, and cheesecake.

I love my friends.

I love my staff.

I love elephants.

I love sunny days.

I love rainy days.

I love Christmas.

I love writing.

I love shoes.

I love sketching.

I love letters.

I love music.

I love summertime.
I love dresses.

I love my life.

Be Grateful

I should be working on homework. Instead I am blogging. Shhh...don't tell my dad. ;)

Life is good. No, wait, understatement. Life is great. And here is why life is so stinkin' wonderful these days:

1) I am dating the most wonderfully amazing (and may I add, sexy) man on the face of the planet, and I am head over heels, insanely crazy, madly in love with him. Who cares if he's 1500 miles away for two years - he still manages to make my heart race and my stomach fill with butterflies.

2) I have amazing people in my life. No, really. Like the most amazing people in my life. My staff is amazing. My friends are amazing. My hall council board is amazing. My manager staff is amazing. My bosses are amazing. My aunts are amazing. My cousins are amazing. My family in general is amazing. I feel amazingly lucky.

3) I adore my job. I have the most rewarding, fun-filled job I could ever ask for. My life is my job, and I wouldn't want it any other way.

4) Today was a gorgeous day. Insanely cold, yes. But insanely beautiful.

5) I have 125 days left until my amazing Thomas comes home. Yes, that's right. Only 125 days. When in the beginning it was 730, only having 125 left feels so incredibly wonderful. And small.

6) I am healthy.

7) I get to go to college.

8) There's food in my belly, a roof over my head, and at least some money in my bank.

9) It is insanely fun being insanely in love.

10) I got a new case for my phone so hopefully this phone doesn't break.

11) I started reading a new book.

I could go on, but I feel like you'd get bored (if you're not already). Anywho, my point? Life is good. So stinkin' good.

Instead of complaining about how crappy today may be going, instead be grateful to even have today.