Midnight Moments

It's 2:30am.

I jolt awake to Benjamin's crying from down the hall. He's not screaming; some may not even call it a cry. But he's making noise. And he's my baby. So I get out of my nice warm bed into the cold air of the house and walk down the hall to his room. 

He's lying in bed, wiggling back and forth, whimpering. He's too tired to even open his eyes. I stand and watch him for a minute, a smile creeping along my face as I watch his brow furrow and his lips pout. I love my sweet little boy.

At this point, many would say, "Just give him a pacifier," or "Let him put himself back to sleep." But I can't help it. I can't resist. I reach my arms down into his crib and scoop my baby up. I hold him tightly against my chest, feeling the steady rise and fall of his own chest, feeling his warmth against my chilly body. 

Sometimes, his eyes open at this point and he blinks confusedly at me. Then he registers what's going on and focuses on my face, and I get a flash of that big gummy smile of his. My heart melts. Sometimes, he just stretches and grunts and groans, eyes clamped tightly shut, and still, my heart melts. 

Whatever his reaction, I carry him over to the rocking chair, we snuggle up, and I nurse him. 

I get many critiques for this. "He'll never learn to sleep through the night." "You're creating a bad habit." And these thoughts run through my head as I stand by his crib watching him stir, debating what to do. Do I just give him his pacifier? Do I just have him put himself to sleep? Do I

resist the temptation to feed him? Do I really need to pick him up, hold him, and nurse him?

It's inevitable. The answer is always yes. Yes, I need to hold him, feed him, comfort him back to sleep. It's not because I fear for him being mad, or sad, or uncomfortable. It's not because I don't want to deal with him crying for long periods of time. I don't think he'll starve if I don't nurse him in the middle of the night. No, those are not what I fear.

What I fear, is him growing too fast.

I cherish those midnight moments so dearly. My heart swells and breaks all at once when we have our midnight cuddles. I relish the moments when it's just me and my sweet baby boy, all cuddles and snuggles, wrapped together in the warmth of each other, the moon kissing his cheek through the window. Those are some of my favorite moments of the day. 

It doesn't matter that I'm exhausted. It doesn't matter that I'd be more comfortable or warmer huddled under the blankets of my bed. What matters is that my baby boy is growing so fast, and I need to hold and cuddle him as much as I can before he's too big to hold and cuddle anymore.

These midnight moments are some of my favorite moments of my day.

Hello 2014...and Burnsville, MN!

So I'm finally getting back to writing! What a crazy past month it has been! I guess since it's now 2014 I can say what a crazy year it was!
Thomas and I welcomed 2013 rather quietly. We had a night together, just the two of us in our n

ew apartment. I had no expectations for the upcoming year; I was still grieving the loss of our first baby and not even thinking about another baby. I had just started a new job a couple of months prior to ringing in the new year and figured I'd be there for years to come. We had just moved into our first apartment and were living on our own for the first time. I had no expectations for 2013. It seemed like it was going to be a rather quiet year. 
I was so wrong.

The year was filled with all sorts of ups and downs!!
Within the first month of the year, Benjamin was growing in my belly. 
Four days after we found out I was pregnant, Thomas lost his job. 
A few weeks later, he had an internship.
But then a few months after that, he was let go.
Weeks before Benjamin was born. 
Then Benjamin came into our life. 
Our sweet wonderful Benjamin.
I accepted a new job at Mackin Educational Resources. 
Shortly after that, Thomas was offered a job with Apple as tech support. 
At the very end of the year, we moved to Burnsville.
A year full of changes that I never saw coming!
What a wonderful year it was!


As we welcome in 2014, once again, I'm not exactly sure what to expect. 
A lot of firsts, with Benjamin, obviously.
But aside from that, I'm not sure. 
Once again I have no expectations.
And I think I like it that way.
I've learned to not make plans!
So I'm just going to go with flow and see where 2014 takes the Macmillan family!

On a side note, let me rant about our new place!!

We are *loving* Burnsville. 
We live in the heart of the city, with [everything] about a five minute drive away, including my work.
Literally. Everything.
There's a library. 
And the Burnsville shopping mall.
And a Costco.
And Target.
About a hundred stores and restaurants. 
We just love it!
Even our church is just a little over 5 minutes away from where we cal home. We are going to use less gas in a week than I used in a day when I was commuting from Plymouth!

In addition to the location, we love our actual home. We went from a one bedroom apartment with rent at $1000/mo, to a two-story, three bedroom, two bathroom townhouse for the same price that it would have cost us to upgrade to a two-bedroom apartment at our old complex!! We have SOO much more room! Benjamin has his own room, finally, which is a dream! I no longer wake up from just the sound of his stretching!! My nights are so much better!