There are moments in life where the world really does seem to stop spinning. Where time truly does seem to slow down. These moments are fleeting and fragile, but oh so beautiful. You notice things. How blue the sky really is. How warm the sun feels on your face. Life seems simple. Peaceful. Blissful.
That was my evening tonight. It was one of those perfectly gorgeous spring days that makes it so you can't help but walk with a spring in your step and a smile on your face. Just perfect. Our little family had a delicious BBQ on our patio, soaking up this gorgeous day. But it wasn't until after dinner, when the food and table were cleaned up and packed up, and Benjamin had dragged out all his toys, that time slowed down. For a blissful moment, this crazy world stopped spinning. And I watched.With Jacob on my lap, sitting on our porch steps, I watched Benjamin. I watched him squeal at the ants cleaning up the crumbs from our dinner. I watched him roar with delight as he blew and chased bubbles around. I watched him dig for worms in our garden. I watched and grinned as he drove his "motorcycle" (aka his bike...) "super fast" and made sure to stop at the red lights and stop signs. I could have watched him all day. That's when time stopped for me. And I was in bliss, watching my son explore the world. Life felt simple. Because toddlers are perfect for that: for reminding us fast-paced grownups about the simple pleasures in life.
I needed that. A slow evening. A "the world stops spinning" kind of evening. Because it's been a hard week.
It's started on Monday (those stupid Mondays...). Things were going just as they always go in the morning. Until it came time to drop the kids off at daycare. Jacob had fallen asleep in the car. And when I picked him up out of his seat, he did the most adorable stretching and grunting (have you ever noticed how freaking adorable baby stretches are??), eyes squeezed shut. He wrapped his arms around my neck and buried his face in my chest: he was not in the mood to wake up. Only to sleep and cuddle. I wanted nothing more than to pack up, go home, and never put him down again. How was I supposed to pass over this sleepy, snuggly, sweet little peanut to another woman?
If you've never been a working mother, you will never understand how it feels to pass your baby over to another woman 5 days a week. There's no other word for it than "heart-wrenching." It never gets easy. Sure, maybe easier. But never easy.
As I stood there soaking in his sweet baby smell while he nuzzled me, I was overcome with how fast time goes, and the unfairness of it all. Benjamin is at the age now where as soon as we get to daycare he runs off, so excited to play with his friends, without so much as a backwards glance at me. But, when I'm done talking to Miss B, and call to him that I'm going to work, he always drops what he's doing, runs back over to give me a quick peck and a squeeze, and then in the most adorable little voice yells "Have a good day, mommy!" as he's already running back to his friends. But how much longer do I have until those moments stop too? How many more pecks and bear hugs does he have left in him?This Monday morning, as I snuggled Jacob goodbye, I could already see him running off without looking back. And it broke my heart to pass him over. How many more snuggles do I have left? We never know when the last snuggle is going to be the last snuggle. So I try not to complain of midnight dates with Jacob in the rocking chair, because soon enough I'll miss cuddling in the light of the moon on the rocking chair.
Life is so stinking crazy. There's no other way to put it. We are always go, go, go. And no matter how hard we try, we can't stop time. But we can slow down. We can put down our phones, and look up. We can watch and experience our babies growing, and the world around us. Because this time is going to go so fast. And if we blink, we'll miss it.
I'll tell ya though: as hard as it is to pass my babies off every day, there is a bright side - there are few things that melt your heart more than the sound of your toddler yelling "Mommy!" as he runs to you at the end of the day. Or the gummy smile your baby makes when he's back in your arms for the first time in 8 hours. The smiles, the hugs, the kisses, the cuddles - they make everything worth it. I will take them for as long as I can. They are the fuel that keep me going.
