Sick and Tired

I've been good. I've been very VERY good. For the past seven months almost I've barely spoken up. I do a good job at hiding my pain. I do a good job at putting on a happy face when I want nothing more than to stay huddled under my covers and never get out of bed. I've done very good about not being that whiney girl crying over her boyfriend. I do a good job at talking to others about Tom without crying. I do a good job at not snapping at girls when they complain that a day without their boyfriend feels like a year. I've been good. But I am very very tired of being good. I am tired of shutting up. I am so sick and tired of listening to girls complain about missing their boyfriend and only seeing them three days a week. I am so sick and tired of seeing couples all over the place. I am sick and tired of not being able to talk to anyone about how I feel. How could I possibly talk to someone about it? Who could possibly understand the pain I feel? I knew getting by with Tom on his mission would be hard, I just didn't imagine it to continue to be so hard after 7 months, I thought it would be easier by now.

I feel angry and sad and hurt and frustrated all the time. I like to think I am able to pull myself together very well, that people can't see the pain inside, but I feel like I'm constantly on the verge of falling apart. I see couples and I craaaave for Thomas. I want to hear his voice again. I want to hear him laugh - the deep belly laugh where he throws his head back and his smile is huge. I want to feel him again. To be able to reach out and know that he's there. To hold his hand, stroke his cheek and feel his scruffies, have his arms around my waist, cuddle with him. I want to play with him again - to wrestle and screw around till we're on the floor crying from laughing so hard. I want to talk to him. I want him to be there with me when I interview for Hall Manager. I want to call him and tell him all these amazing stories about how awesome my Parker Hall staff is and I want him to meet them all. I to hear him say "I love you more."

I'm tired of pretending to be okay. But at the same time, what's the point in being upset? Nothing's gonna change, he's not coming home anytime soon, so I might as well suck it up and keep going. But it's sooo freakin' hard when he's everywhere, in everything and everyone. I can never get him out of my head and it drives me crazy. I guess I'll keep trying, but I am getting so tired of it. I just wish the tears would stop...or at least lessen.