Where is Home?

My whole life I've never really felt like I fit anywhere. I've never truly been able to call home "home." It's kinda hard when you have the relationship I have with my siblings, and the relationship I used to have with my parents. I don't fit in there. Even when I was younger, I seriously thought God made a mistake and put me in the wrong family. Don't get me wrong, I love my family. I love my parents to death. I adore my little brother, and even though my relationship with my other siblings is pretty much non-existant, I still love them. They are all BFFs with each other, and I know one day I will be too...I just wonder when that day will come.



As I got older, I made amazing friends. My friends became my family. Some of their moms I called my mom. Some of their siblings I considered my siblings. But at the end of the night, it was my house I went home to; a house that didn't feel right. No matter how much I loved my friends and considered them my family, they weren't the family I needed. Then I met Tom. 

Tom's family is so sweet. They welcome me into their home with open arms. Every time I go over there I feel so welcome. Nobody there refuses to talk to me. Nobody there is mean to me. Nobody ignores me. The twins shower me with love...and yet, it's still not home. It's not MY family. It doesn't feel right. In fact, a lot of the time when I go over there I leave in a bad mood because I'm so frustrated and jealous. That family loves each other so much. They all care deeply about each other and share everything with each other. They protect and watch over each other.  I get so frustrated wondering when my family will treat me that way. When my siblings will start caring about me. When they will talk to me, or hang out with me.

When I got baptized, I spent the weekend at Tom's house. The night before my baptism I broke down to him crying. I was so upset because I knew that with my baptism I was probably severing any possibility of ever having a relationship with my siblings. I really hope I was wrong.

I've become resigned to the fact that I probably won't ever find where I truly fit until I start my own family some day. When I have my husband as my rock and my children to shower with affection. I don't know that I'll ever have a place to call home until I create home myself.