*sigh* I am going through a really hard time lately. I just want to crawl under a rock and disappear. I am struggling to keep my head above water, struggling to stay strong in my faith. We are told so many times that if we stay strong in faith, if we endure with faith to the end, that God will reward us with blessings. We are told God is always there for us, always loving us, always holding us and guiding us, and that if we turn to him, we can make it through anything. But I feel like I can't. I feel like I've been swimming and swimming, treading water to stay afloat, and I've been doing it for so long my arms and legs are so tired, they just can't take it anymore.
It's my family. Course, when isn't it my family? I've been in such a rotten slump ever since Easter. I got into three fights with my parents over Easter weekend. THREE! In one weekend. We had one each day. First I was told I wasn't allowed to go to church with the whole family because they're embarassed to be seen in church with me ever since I converted to Mormonism, because now they have to explain to people why I don't take communion and it's embarassing to tell them I'm Mormon now. So I'm not "allowed" to go to church with them anymore on Easter or Christmas. Then we got into a huge fight over my wedding. They told me they weren't going to come to my wedding because they don't support me being Mormon...nevermind that it's the happiest day of their daughter's life. Nope. I'm Mormon now, that doesn't matter. Then the next day we got into yet another fight because they refused to apologize for the things they said. Instead, they told me that I was the one who needed to apologize. I should be apologizing for putting my family through all this embarassment and these troubles, and for being inconsiderate of my family's feelings. That I'm selfish and I had no right to get baptized. *sigh*
I'm tired of fighting. I can't take it anymore. I'm tired of not having a family. I'm tired of not being accepted for who I am. I just wish my family would see how happy the church makes me. I wish they could see how happy Thomas makes me and how much he loves not only me, but the Lord too. I wish God would help me. I feel like I've been praying for ever and ever and nothing's changing. Okay, I shouldn't say that. Look at my sister and me. We are starting to build a relationship - that's a huge imporvement. God is helping me...I just wish He would help more. I'm losing my strength. My arms and legs are getting tired from treading water for too long. I'm trying to stay strong in my scripture study and my praying. I'm trying to stay strong in my testimony, but it's really being tested right now. Sometimes I find myself thinking, "What is the point?" or "What did I get myself into?" I've never been a part of my family, and now, well now I don't think I ever will be. Not if my family can't accept me for who I am.
I guess I just need to take a tip from Dory for now and "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming."
My dearest Katie, my heart aches for you, but I know that you are being helped, each and every day! Sometimes the Lord has to 'leave us' on our own so that we can go through our own 'Gethsemanes' and although that might be painful, and stressful, it is also necessary because at the end of it all we would have grown immensely and will be prepared for a huge change that Heavenly Father feels we are then prepared for. Keep in mind always, that for however long satan is allowed to torment us, then follows the exact same amount of time that Heavenly Father will be with us, only it will feel so very very different, and so very very amazing! Also remember that negative influences, thoughts and feelings, whether by ourselves, or due to others around us are from satan, that's how he operates...good and positive thoughts and feelings are from Heavenly Father, and He uses others those around us to help us along the way. As for family, we have been and always will be your family, I hope you know that and truly feel that, because we look upon you as part of ours. The Gospel is true, you have a very strong testimony of it, fight for what you know is true, and I promise you, you will find that Heavenly Father has been with you all along! I love you, Lesley xxxxxx
ReplyDeleteYou are so strong and I hope you know that. All of this will be okay in the end and things will work out. I know you have a hard time with your family, but if you made the right decision in your eyes that is all that matters. Some day they will realize. Just know that you do not have to hold all of this inside. It needs to come out, so feel free to vent to me anytime. I'm just down the hall.
ReplyDeleteHey Katie! I'm so sorry that your family doesn't support you because of your beliefs. I know that it's really hard sometimes to believe that God's hand is in things even when we can't see any signs of it, but God works in ways that we don't understand. So many times in my life God has worked things out for the good in ways i never would have imagined. So hang in there, it'll be worth it!
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to leave you a little note of encouragement and let you know that you're not alone in feeling weak in your faith when this kind of thing comes up. Just look at the stuff in James! It was written for people like you who are going through trials because of what you believe.
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you experience trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance." (James 1:2)
"Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him." (James 1:12)
So...I'll definitely pray for you and your family to be able to reconcile at some point.
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This sounds a lot like my life 5 years ago. I recommend you rethink your ideas about who God is, what His priorities are, and what brings you the most happiness. If you continually wait for God to send His blessings, you'll always be waiting. We must create our own blessings, & find our own God inside of ourselves. You don't need to wait for divine power to save you. God has given you the tools you need to find happiness & peace. Know that you are not experiencing trials because of a lack of faith. It's not because you're not righteous enough. Look inside yourself. Don't let anyone - even leaders of the LDS church - tell you where you will find happiness. You'll only find happiness that comes from within and through your relationships with others.
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