Trying to Adjust

I'm having a real hard time adjusting to summer for several reasons.

One: I have too much time. During school, I am so busy that I barely have time to even breathe. I take 17 credits/6 classes, have 35 residents to take care of, at least a paper a week to write, chapters to read, exams to study for and take, programs to plan, shop for, put on, clean up, and evaluate, incidents to take care of and report, duty and rounds to do, and the list goes on and on. I have virtually no social life when I'm at school; work is my social life. Being an RA is as social as it gets to me (and that's a pretty dang social job). But now, well now all I have is working for Target, and so I just have too much stinkin' time. Usually I would love it. Looots of time to read and relax in the sun. But the problem with too much time is that it lets my mind wander. I spend faaar too much time these days thinking about Tom, and that makes living without him even harder than it's been these past ten months. It sucks.

Two: Tom is gone. It is incredibly weird (and hard) for me to be home every day and not ever see him. It is incredibly hard to have a day off of work and not spend it with him. It's hard knowing that a lot of all this extra time I have in the summer would have been going to him. I think (because I have so much time to do so) about past summers and it hurts. This summer there'll be no moonlight walks or midnight star gazing on a blanket with Ben & Jerry's. No bike rides all over the city and to Dairy Queen. No picnics. No days at the beach building sand animals. No trips to the zoo together. No getting dolled up and going out on the town together. No dinner and a movie nights. No playing in the rain. No thunderstorm watching. Nothing. I still can't fathom an empty summer.

Three: It's going to be an empty summer. Last summer I cut a big chunk of friends out of my life in an effort to surround myself with people who bring me up and not down. It was just what I needed and I don't regret it at all. But, the friends I do still have in my life have other priorities in their lives, and I don't blame them. They all have significant others and their loved ones aren't gone from them for two years so naturally they would spend a lot of time together. But that leaves me left out on a lot of stuff. I don't get invited to group dates or double dates, which seems to be all anyone does these days, so that leaves me hangin'. It's fine, I guess I'm getting used to it. I understand they want to be with their boyfriends and girlfriends; I want to be with mine too, I just can't.

Four: I will be spending a lot of time at home. This could either be a good thing, or a bad thing. It could end up being great. It could end up strengenthing and rebuilding a relationship with my family. But it could go just the opposite - it could makes things go worse. It could cause a lot of fights and arguments. We'll just have to wait and see, hope for the best.

I am hoping for this summer to be great, but so far it's not off to a great start. As much as I have been enjoying the gorgeous weather and all the free time to read and write, my heart aches for summer nights with my friends and my boyfriend. But I have to stop being a whiner, I know. There are far more important things to worry about in life.

My Addiction

I bought a new pair of shoes today. They are the "perfect" pair of leopard print shoes that I have been searching for forever. This brings my shoe total to 35 pairs. Broken down I have: 21 pairs of heels, 6 pairs of flip-flops, 4 pairs of tennis shoes, 3 flats, and a pair of slippers. 35.

Some people think it's ridiculous. I would agree. It is a little ridiculous. But, at the same time it's not. I actually do wear them all. In the summer, I am constantly wearing heels. I love shoes. I love to buy them, wear them, show them off. I'm not high maintainence, although I am sure that's how it comes off when people see me and my shoes. I just like heels. There is a problem though...

Now I'm starting to go crazy with dresses too....It's like, when I find a cute pair of shoes, I immediately start looking for a cute dress or skirt to go with them. My dress obsession is not quite as bad as my shoe, okay, not nearly as bad as my shoe addiciton, but it's starting to climb. The only reason it worries me is because I'm a college student who will soon be getting married, so I will have even more bills to pay and a wedding to pay for...I need to teach myself to be more conservative with my money...

But what can I say? I love heels.

An Answer to my Prayers

Last Fast Sunday I had quite the revelation come to me, which I would like to talk to about. First, I'll explain what Fast Sunday is to those of you who aren't Mormon and may be confused...The first Sunday of every month is Fast Sunday, and we have what's called "Fast and Testimony Meetings." On these Sundays you fast for whatever your heart desires. It can be for missionary work, for strength through troubles you're going through, for friends or family, for anything you want. So you fast breakfast and lunch, and then at church, as a part of your tithing, we have a Fast Offerring, where you offer the money you would have spent on those two meals as a fast offering and the money goes towards food relief services around the world. Then the church meeting that day is different than usual meetings too. It's kinda like an open mic type thing. The time is open for anyone to go up to the podium and bear their testimony about the church and their faith. It's my favorite day.


So, that's Fast and Testimony in a nutshell. So the last Fast Sunday, I had a revelation. I almost always bear my testimony, except this Sunday I didn't feel the Spirit prompting me to say anything, so I didn't go up. Well, a couple minutes of silence went by, so our Branch President went up to the podium and started calling on people to bear their testimony. I was crossing my fingers he wouldn't ask me to come up because I felt I didn't have anything to say, and I hate being put on the spot...BUT! Go figure, as I'm staring down at my hands avoiding eye contact, I hear President Roell's voice ask me to come up and bear my testimony. Dang it! My heart starts pounding, palms sweating, I had no idea what to say...but, I took deep breathes and reminded myself to just let the Spirit talk through me and tell me what to say...


I started talking about prayer. I talked about how God answers our prayers in His own time, when He knows we're ready for the answer, and He answers in His own way. I started talking about how we may not always recognize when God answers our prayers because it may not be what we expected or what we wanted...but it's what we needed. And that's when it hit me...


...I've been praying for strength through Tom's mission. I started praying a little while before he left, because I knew I would need it. I knew this was going to be the longest, hardest two years of my life, and I knew I would need lots of strength and help from my Heavenly Father to get through it. Up until last Fast Sunday, I didn't think God had really answered my prayers because it's still sooo hard living without Tom. It's still as hard as it was day one, so I didn't really think God had answered my prayer and given me strength...but that's when I realized He answered it in a way totally unexpected to me, and I just missed it. He gave me the Parker Hall Staff.

These girls are the most amazing girls, my first real friends I've had my whole life (with the exception of two people). God didn't answer my prayer by making my struggles easier, or giving me strength, or erasing this hole in my chest; He answered my prayers by giving me a support system. He knew how hard this year was going to be for me, so He placed me in Parker Hall. This was all part of His plan for me, and I wish I would have seen it earlier. I am so grateful to be surrounded by friends who make me laugh when I want to cry, who know when I need chocolates, hugs, and a good chick flick, and who listen to me ramble about letters and emails and an invisible boyfriend they've never met.


I'm so grateful to have had this support system, and I'm even more grateful that Heavenly Father answered my prayer...even though it took me awhile to realize it.

Perfection

So Mother's Day was just as amazing as I could have hoped. I got to talk to my amazing Thomas! It had been five months since we last spoke on the phone (can't believe how fast the time's flown by!) and it will be another 7 months until we get to speak again. But that's okay, it will fly by. It always does.

It was really wonderful. I got woken up at about 8:30am from him - he called to make sure I was going to be at his parent's house that evening when he called. Of course I was! We chit chatted for about fifteen minutes, then he had to go. Needless to say, I couldn't get back to sleep, so I got out of bed and worked on Study Guides for my finals while I waited for church to roll around. After church my family and I went over to my aunt and uncle's for a Mother's Day BBQ. The food was okay, but the company was fun. Ended up taking on my cousins in some pool and ping pong. At about 5 I left their house to go to Tom's.

Tom called shortly after I arrived, and he got to talk for nearly two hours!! It was blissful! His family was wonderful, and let me talk to him alone, off speaker phone, for a little while. He had lots of stories to share and it was so wonderful to hear his sarcastic banter I've missed for so long!

No sooner had we hung up the phone when his mom started asking me about our wedding!! :D It totally threw me off gaurd! Of  course I had been thinking about it, and even started planning a little bit, thinking of colors, times, bridesmaids, yadda yadda yadda, but it was so awesome to hear his mom excited about it too! She actually wanted to start planning! We got on the computer and she showed temple sealing rooms, and we talked about temple sealings. And then we started looking up dresses! Oooh it was wonderful! I think that's going to be our summer project! That, and me learning how to cook...ha! I also wanna teach myself a song on piano to be able to play for Tom when he comes home...lots to do this summer!

Anywho, so after browsing dresses online, I went home, then my cousin and I headed back to good ol' River Falls for finals week. And then the night got even better...at about quarter to 11, my phone rang...it was Thomas. He wanted to talk to me one last time before he went to bed! :) It truly was a perfectly wonderful day! A good morning phone call, a two hour afternoon phone call, wedding planning with the future mother-in-law, and a goodnight phone call. *sigh* Utter perfection.

MAY!!

It's May, and with that comes so many awesome things!!

1) April is now another month that can be crossed off my countdown for Tom's return!

2) Mother's Day is in May - This is good because it's Mother's Day and (despite how bipolar our relationship tends to be...) I love my momma, and also because TOM GETS TO CALL HOME!! I get to hear his sweet wonderful voice again!!

3)  School ends in the middle of May!!...but then I have two week-long summer classes at the end of May, but oh well!

4) It's officially summer on the 15th for me! Bring out the swim suit! :D

5) It's my bestie's 21st birthday on the 28th!! Woot Woot!! Can't wait to go out with her even though I don't drink...it's still gonna be a HOOT!

6) I get to go back to work at Target this month, which I LOVE. :)

I can just tell that May is going to be a good month, maybe even a great month. I look at everything ahead of me this month and I think to myself, "This is gonna be a piece of cake!" Most months drag on, but I feel like May will fly by, course maybe it won't now since I just said that...maybe I just jinxed myself...anywho, I hope it does, and then June will be here before we know it, which means July is just around the corner and that marks Tom's official half-way/one year mark!! Then August is here and school starts again and just like every year it will fly by and summer will be back here in a flash, which means Tom will be in my arms again...Man it's going to go fast! Yes, that is the way I like to think of it...May is gonna be a great month. :)