Trying to Adjust

I'm having a real hard time adjusting to summer for several reasons.

One: I have too much time. During school, I am so busy that I barely have time to even breathe. I take 17 credits/6 classes, have 35 residents to take care of, at least a paper a week to write, chapters to read, exams to study for and take, programs to plan, shop for, put on, clean up, and evaluate, incidents to take care of and report, duty and rounds to do, and the list goes on and on. I have virtually no social life when I'm at school; work is my social life. Being an RA is as social as it gets to me (and that's a pretty dang social job). But now, well now all I have is working for Target, and so I just have too much stinkin' time. Usually I would love it. Looots of time to read and relax in the sun. But the problem with too much time is that it lets my mind wander. I spend faaar too much time these days thinking about Tom, and that makes living without him even harder than it's been these past ten months. It sucks.

Two: Tom is gone. It is incredibly weird (and hard) for me to be home every day and not ever see him. It is incredibly hard to have a day off of work and not spend it with him. It's hard knowing that a lot of all this extra time I have in the summer would have been going to him. I think (because I have so much time to do so) about past summers and it hurts. This summer there'll be no moonlight walks or midnight star gazing on a blanket with Ben & Jerry's. No bike rides all over the city and to Dairy Queen. No picnics. No days at the beach building sand animals. No trips to the zoo together. No getting dolled up and going out on the town together. No dinner and a movie nights. No playing in the rain. No thunderstorm watching. Nothing. I still can't fathom an empty summer.

Three: It's going to be an empty summer. Last summer I cut a big chunk of friends out of my life in an effort to surround myself with people who bring me up and not down. It was just what I needed and I don't regret it at all. But, the friends I do still have in my life have other priorities in their lives, and I don't blame them. They all have significant others and their loved ones aren't gone from them for two years so naturally they would spend a lot of time together. But that leaves me left out on a lot of stuff. I don't get invited to group dates or double dates, which seems to be all anyone does these days, so that leaves me hangin'. It's fine, I guess I'm getting used to it. I understand they want to be with their boyfriends and girlfriends; I want to be with mine too, I just can't.

Four: I will be spending a lot of time at home. This could either be a good thing, or a bad thing. It could end up being great. It could end up strengenthing and rebuilding a relationship with my family. But it could go just the opposite - it could makes things go worse. It could cause a lot of fights and arguments. We'll just have to wait and see, hope for the best.

I am hoping for this summer to be great, but so far it's not off to a great start. As much as I have been enjoying the gorgeous weather and all the free time to read and write, my heart aches for summer nights with my friends and my boyfriend. But I have to stop being a whiner, I know. There are far more important things to worry about in life.