What's a Sister?

I get that everyone plays a different role in different people's lives. For example, the kinda role I play in someone's life is different than the role I play in another's, and those two people will probably have different thoughts about me because they will have different experiences with me.

Take my sister. She's not a bad person. At least I don't think she is...she gets good grades, she's involved in school, she works hard at her job, she has a lot of friends. All of that together must mean that in general, she's a good person. And in other people's lives, probably most people's lives, she is seen in a positive light. But in my life story, she is a brat - and that's putting it nicely.

I don't understand. I have tried several times to make a relationship between us work, for years. We've never, in our entire lives, been on good terms. Perhaps when we were wee little youngsters, but for as long as I can remember, we've been arch enemies. I have tried to be a "sister" to my sister, but to be honest, I'm not entirely sure what that word even means. I've tried taking her out on "dates". I took her to Benihana's one year for her birthday. Another year I tried to take her shopping at Arbor Lakes. Some other time we tried doing a sister date at Salsaritas. What did I get for my birthday? A four page hate letter. Yup.

Things improved for a little while during the school year. She wrote me a letter apologizing for stuff and we went on a date to Red Lobster and out shopping. We talked on facebook back and forth. Things were good. I reallly thought summer would be different. I was wrong. Things have gone right back to square one. She's back to being a total complete brat. When I tried talking to her about it, about why she's so different now that it's summer when we had been getting along so great, she calls me a fake bitch and won't explain things to me because she says she can't even stand talking to me.

I get that in most people's life story she's a great person, but in my life's story, she's mean, nasty, rude, and inconsiderate. I'm not saying I'm perfect. Lord knows I've done my fair share of mean stuff to her. But that was before. Back when we were younger. And she won't let it drop. At least that's what she said in her hate letter to me, that the biggest reason was the past, and she just wouldn't let the past go. Which is frustrating, because life would be much easier for both of us if she did.

I feel like I shouldn't write about this, that it's not appropriate to talk about this situation in a blog. But who cares. Why have a blog if I'm not gonna be totally open? Isn't that the point of a blog? And if my sister reads this, then maybe it'll be a good thing. Maybe it'll influence her to act differently. Or maybe it'll really piss her off and she'll be even meaner. At this point, I really don't care. I go back to school in two weeks anyway.

Sunsets

So a while ago we had a pretty wicked storm pass through here, complete with tornadoes and hail and 80 mph winds. We had to spend a good chunk of time in the cellar beneath the stairs. It was wicked. After the storm had passed, the sun was starting to set, and the sunset was honestly one THE most beautiful sunsets I have ever seen. I took tons of pictures which I have taken the liberty to post for you to see and enjoy (if there's anybody actually reading this). It was breathtaking. I ended up telling Tom about the storm and the sunset afterwards and attached the pictures you see here to his email as well. Then we got to talking metaphores.

He explained to me that when he was reading his email, he thought the storm and sunset story is similar to going through life: we have to go through trials and hard times to get to the good stuff. The closer we get to happiness or the closer we get to living like Christ, the stronger Satan works to defer us from that happiness. His exact words, since I feel like I am not doing a good job explaining, were: "everything amazing we get, or closer to being like Christ we become we tend to have to go something difficult. But at the end it's so worth the trial!" I think he hit that right on the mark!

Then I was thinking more about metaphores and sunsets and life while I was walking around my neighborhood one evening and came to another conclusion. Sunsets are much more beautiful when there are clouds in the sky. If it is a perfectly cloudless sky, a sunset, though still pretty, is rather plain. The colors in the sky just lightly fan out across the sky, and there's not that many different colors, pretty much just blue and yellow. But when there are clouds in the sky, the sunset is a million times prettier. It reflects of the clouds and creates different colors and shadows, and it can be simply breathtaking. It can be pink, or blue, or purple, or red, or orange, or all of those together and more. It can something that stops and makes you fall in love with life and the beauty of the world around us.

I think that's the same with reaching happiness in life. If you cruise through life and (fortunately, though unlikely) never have any trials in your way, when you reach your destination, though the view will still be pretty, it won't be as breathtaking of an ending as someone who has endured through trials. When you have obstacles in your life, or mountians you have to climb, when you do get over those roadblocks, the ending is so much more beautiful and meaningful; your sunset is much more breathtaking. It may be hard, and at the time you may resent having to go through those obstacles, but in the end, it makes the life you've lived, the crazy ride you've been on, worth it all.

The Dream Life

I'm a history major and a woman, and therefore I have a respect for what women went through to get to where we are today. I appreciate them fighting for our right to vote, and for their hard work at getting us respect in workplace. I appreciate it all...but I have absolutely no interest in living my life as a feminist. Screw having a career and being a powerful business woman who makes as much, or more, as her husband. I dream instead of being a stay-at-home mom and a doting wife.

There is nothing in my life I want more (besides being sealed to Thomas in the temple for eternity) than to be a stay-at-home mom and wife. I want to spend my days raising kids and spoiling them with love and attention. I want to spend afternoons doing arts and crafts, taking them to the park or the library instead of working all day away from them. I don't want them to grow up in a daycare, I want them to grow up in a loving home. I don't want to miss their first steps or their first words. I want to experience everything with them.

I want to spend my days doting on my husband. I want to spoil him with homecooked meals and latenight lovin'. I want to spend my days making him know how much I love him. I want to build a family together. I want to walk into church together with our kids skipping in front of us and his arm around my waist. I want to own lots of puppies together and take walks as the sun sets with one hand entwined in his and the other holding a leash.

That's my dream life: the housewife. Call me crazy. Call me old fashioned. I don't care. It's what I think about all the time when I think of mine and Tom's future together. If things work out, and Tom makes enough to support our family without me needing to take a job, I would love to spend all day every day at home with our kiddies. That's my deam.

To Kindle or Not to Kindle?

I am a HUGE bookworm. I love to read whatever I can get my hands on, whenever I have any free time in my busy life. My favorite thing to do is lay outside on a blanket under the shade or in the sun and read. I find it the  most relaxing thing to do. In my dream house, I will have a room completely dedicated to books, my very own library. The walls will be lined with shelves except for one wall, which will have a huge bay window for me to sit on and lean against the window while it's raining and read. In the center of the room with be two huge super cushion-y comfy chairs. Two, just in case some days Tom wants to read with me! Ha! In between the chairs will be a standing light, and there will be a coffee table to set my snackies and hot chocolate on while I read. And we'll have lots of blankets to cuddle up under. It'll be bliss.

I am tempted to buy a Kindle. I have been thinking about it a lot lately. I can afford one, and it seems like it would be a great investment for. I know it wouldn't be a waste of my money. But I feel like I would miss real books too much. I just feel like it wouldn't be the same. No flip of the page, the feel of the book in my hands. I dunno, maybe I am being weird. I sound like I am being weird. But I love my book collection.

I think of the pros of owning a Kindle. It's small, easy to take with me wherever I go. I can buy books without ever leaving my house....that's all I got. But what are the cons? It's technical so the battery could die in the middle of reading. It could break or have technical difficulties, and I feel like the screen is tiny, I would have a hard time reading it....that's all I got.

I think of my library in my dream house. That would be nonexistant if I had a Kindle. I wouldn't need a library. I guess I could just as easily curl up under blankets or lay outside on a blanket with a Kindle as I could with a normal book. *sigh* I just dunno. It really shouldn't be this hard to decide!

Mountains

Today's topic: Perception.

Being involved in Residence Life as a Resident Assistant has opened my eyes soo much and has truly taught me some amazing life lessons that I will never forget. I think the most important lesson being: perception. I have come to understand that everyone's life experiences are different, and we are onlly glimpsing a snapshot of the lives of those around us, and in turn, they are only witnessing a snapshot of our own lives. The important lesson to take from this bit of information is that every single person around us has their own mountain to climb, their own struggles. And every single person thinks that their mountains are the biggest steepest mountains of anyone's.

It is impossible for us to understand completely where anyone is coming from, what anyone has expereinced. It is impossible for us to comprehend how much pain one has had to live through, or sorrow, or joy, or struggles, or pure bliss. And that is why the cliche is so true: Never judge a book by it's cover.

You can't tell what one has experienced by talking to them, so there is for dang sure no possible way to tell what one has experienced simply by looking at them. You have to really get to know a person to even begin to know their mountains in their life, and I promise you, they have mountains. Even if they do a great job at hiding them, they are still there. Do something nice for everyone you can. Even if it's something simple like holding the door open into a shop, or buying the coffee of the person behind you in line at Starbucks, or helping someone collect the change they dropped all over the floor. The smallest things can make the biggest difference to someone, especially someone having a hard day, or week, or maybe in a life. And you will never know how hard of a time someone is having, so be nice to everyone. It will make a difference not only in the other person's life, but your own as well.

I think it's so important to get to know everyone who's path crosses your own. Even if your paths in life cross for only a brief moment in the grand scheme of things. You could end up making an impact on their life, or better yet, they could end up making an impact on your own. Or maybe it could go exactly the opposite. Maybe instead of a positive experience, the crossing of your paths could end up being a negative. Maybe the experience will hurt you. But then it's up to you to turn that experience into a positive one. It's up to you to make it an experience that helps you, instead of having the experience become another mountain you have to climb.

Drifting

I feel like I'm drifting through life these days. Like I'm just going through the motions, day by day, not really living my life, just...floating through it. It's like a blur, everything a blur, with spurts of sunshine, moments of happiness.

Every day is the same. Get up. Shower. Go to work. Come home. Read some days, others clean my room. Go to bed. Do it all over. Boring. Boring. Boring. There are some days where it varies, those are the spurts of sunshine. I'll go visit Tom's family, or hang out with friends, or play a board game with my parents and little brother. Those are the moments of happiness.

I never wanted to be that girl who can't live without her boyfriend, who can't have fun without him, but I feel like that's the way I've become. I feel down so much of the time, I just miss him so much. I feel like I just need to hear him laugh, and I'll laugh and everything will be back to normal. I just need to spend a night out on the town with him, all dolled up on a date together, and we'll be laughing and kissing and high on life and everything will be great. I miss feeling that way. I never wanted to be "that" girl who can't have fun without her boyfriend, but I feel like I've dropped so low, miss him sooo much, that I have become that girl.

Before, it wasn't just spurts of sunshine that I experienced; I lived 24/7 in the brightest, sunniest sky. Now my sky has become foggy, and cloudy, and gray. It's hard. Living without him is hard. I get the 3 minutes it takes me to read his email every week. That's it. An email that's half a page long. It's not enough. But there's nothing I can do about it. That's all there is. End of story. One email once a week. It won't ever change.

On the bright side, we're on the downside now, we've got less than a year. The hardest part is over. This time next year, I'll be back to 24/7 sunshine. I won't have this dark gray cloud over my head. There won't be this painful ache in my chest. There won't be anymore tear-filled sleepless nights. I'll be back in his arms. We'll be laughing and hugging and kissing and playing again. And we'll finally get to start our life together. I'm kinda really getting tired of watching everyone around me get married and start their life with their special someone...I'm ready for it to be mine turn...ha! :)

Over the Hump!!

So tomorrow, July 8, marks the exact one year date Tom started his mission. It's the day he set foot into the MTC. Words cannot express how proud I am of him! If you knew him before, and you knew him now, you would understand. He has grown sooo much and his testimony has strengenthed so much as well. It makes me sooo happy for him!

So, hitting the one year mark is a prett big deal. At least I think so, anyway. So I wanted to make him a big special package to celebrate and congratulate him on the big accomplishment. I sent him lots of sweets and goodies, and two of every candy so he could share with his companion. I also sent him a super sweet England soccer shirt, because, well let's face it, he can never have too many England soccer shirts. I made him this totally cool and awesome personalized calender for the last year of his mission too. It's got tons of pictures on it oh him with his family, friends, and me, and I put random scriptures on random days throughout the month for him to read, and words of encouragement on random days too. But the thing in his package I am most excited about (particularly because it took me forever to make and it's pretty creative for my standards), is the letter compilation. I wrote him twelve different letters, one for him to open each month. They are sealed in individual envelopes and numbered, and he's been instructed he gets to open each one on the first of every month. And on his calender, on the first of every month, a reminder is written (accompanied with a smiley face!) to open the numbered envelope for that specific month.

It was suuuper hard to come up with enough stuff to write about for twelve different letters. I decided to go with themes for each of the letters, which are:

1 - July - Explanation of letters and a poem about being a missionary (written by a previous missionary, not me)

2 - Aug - A recap of our last date, our goodbye date, before he left

3 - Sept - Why he's worth waiting for

4 - Oct - How our lives worked out so perfectly and how it's proof that we're meant to be
5 - Nov - How the mission has strengthened our relationship
6 - Dec - How much he consumes me every day
7 - Jan - 101 Things I miss about him
8 - Feb - How missing him so much means I love him so much
9 - March - List of date ideas for when he comes home
10 - April - Everything I love about him
11 - May - Our future together
12 - June - How proud I am of all he's accomplished and encouraging him to stay focused!

I figured that since we aren't ever lovey dovey in our letters, that for this special present, once  month for the last year, he could get little spurts of lovey dovey-ness...ha. Just sprinkles of reminders that he is the love of my life and I am still loving him and waiting for him to come back home to me.

I am soo proud of my missionary!! I miss him insanely, but when I look back on this past year, I truly am amazed at how fast it's gone by. Sure, the days themselves (and even the weeks) drag on like crazy, but in reality, looking back, it all does fly by. And now I am officially over the hump, and it is all downhill from here!! I get to start counting down the days instead of counting up to this moment! It is such a great feeling!

Happy Half-Way Day, my Thomas! We're over the hump!

The Melting Pot

I love the Fourth of July. I'll be honest: most days, I kinda wish I wasn't American. It's just that, I feel like Americans don't really have their own culture. I look at other countries and other ethnic groups and they seem to have so much more of a culture, so many more traditions; the Chinese, Indians, Irish, Mexicans, Spanish, Native Americans (the list could go on and on) - they all have such rich cultures (dances, ceremonies, traditions, food, etc.), that it makes me feel like Americans don't really have much of a rich, original culture.

But then the Fourth of July rolls around and my eyes are opened to all that is part of the rich American culture. We may not dress up in traditional clothes and perform old dances from hundreds and hundreds of years ago, but we certainly have our own traditions. And I've realized how much those traditions vary all over the country.

I've come to realize that the stuff I just consider part of life and nothing unique or special is only that way to me because I live it. It's not anything new. But it is part of American culture and it is definitely rich and unique. We've got rodeos and big BBQs. We've got the tradition of going up to the lake and the cabin. We've got baseball and volleyball. We've got cowboys and rappers and divas (or those who think they are divas). Businessmen and mountainmen and fishermen. Even our food, though it may not feel exotic and cultural, is a big part of what makes America, America. We've got applepie which is as American as it gets, and we all know how American fast food is. We have deep fried everything, and everything can come on a stick (when you're at the fair, at least). We've got little kids running lemonade stands on street corners. We have cabins and lakes to retreat to on weekends. We have the sultry western coast, eccentric eastern coast, wild west, sweet south, and quiet central US. Not only is the US rich in its own culture, but every part of the US has it's own individual culture and traditions. It kinda baffles me when I start to think about it...we are truly the epitamy of the term: Melting Pot. Not only is America a melting pot of cultures from around the world, but it is in and of itself as well. And I think that is so cool and that is what makes America, America.

You can truly be anything you wanna be. Choose any religion you want, doesn't matter. You'll find it here somewhere and you are completely free to follow it as you wish. Go on to college or not, the option is there for you. Start your own business. Become famous. Be a professional athlete. Be a stay-at-home mom. Be a working mom. Be a cowboy. It doesn't matter. The list is endless. I think it's cool that America started out as a place for dreamers and still is that way. There very much is still the vision of "The American Dream" and I think there is a reason for that, even though the "American Dream" is different for every person. People came here hundreds of years ago with nothing but a few dollars in their pockets and a handful of dreams in their hearts, and I think it's very much that way now. America is still a place of dreams and hopes. Little kids grow up dreaming of big things they want to be when they're older, and hopefully they stick to them and fulfill them. America is a melting pot of people and their dreams, and I hope it forever stays that way.