Drifting

I feel like I'm drifting through life these days. Like I'm just going through the motions, day by day, not really living my life, just...floating through it. It's like a blur, everything a blur, with spurts of sunshine, moments of happiness.

Every day is the same. Get up. Shower. Go to work. Come home. Read some days, others clean my room. Go to bed. Do it all over. Boring. Boring. Boring. There are some days where it varies, those are the spurts of sunshine. I'll go visit Tom's family, or hang out with friends, or play a board game with my parents and little brother. Those are the moments of happiness.

I never wanted to be that girl who can't live without her boyfriend, who can't have fun without him, but I feel like that's the way I've become. I feel down so much of the time, I just miss him so much. I feel like I just need to hear him laugh, and I'll laugh and everything will be back to normal. I just need to spend a night out on the town with him, all dolled up on a date together, and we'll be laughing and kissing and high on life and everything will be great. I miss feeling that way. I never wanted to be "that" girl who can't have fun without her boyfriend, but I feel like I've dropped so low, miss him sooo much, that I have become that girl.

Before, it wasn't just spurts of sunshine that I experienced; I lived 24/7 in the brightest, sunniest sky. Now my sky has become foggy, and cloudy, and gray. It's hard. Living without him is hard. I get the 3 minutes it takes me to read his email every week. That's it. An email that's half a page long. It's not enough. But there's nothing I can do about it. That's all there is. End of story. One email once a week. It won't ever change.

On the bright side, we're on the downside now, we've got less than a year. The hardest part is over. This time next year, I'll be back to 24/7 sunshine. I won't have this dark gray cloud over my head. There won't be this painful ache in my chest. There won't be anymore tear-filled sleepless nights. I'll be back in his arms. We'll be laughing and hugging and kissing and playing again. And we'll finally get to start our life together. I'm kinda really getting tired of watching everyone around me get married and start their life with their special someone...I'm ready for it to be mine turn...ha! :)