Oh the Confusion!

Sometimes, I have to remind myself what it feels like to be in love. I know Thomas is the love of my life. I know I want to spend the rest of forever with him. I know we have an amazing relationship. But sometimes I forget what it feels like to be in love.

It's been twenty flippin' months. I have 100 days left today. And I'm feeling rather glum. I haven't gotten a letter from him in about 3 weeks. They used to come almost weekly. I am so sick of waiting. I am sick of having to remind myself what love feels like.

Sometimes, in his letters, I get that feeling. Ya know, where your heart swells and you're filled with warm fuzzies because he makes you feel like the most beautiful and luckiest woman on the face of the planet. That happens every once in a while. Like last week's email, he wrote: "I miss you soo much today. I'm sorry that you've been sick and i can't be there to help you get better, i wish i could be. I love you so much!" That was the extent of love. The 10 seconds it took me to read that, that's what I have to last me through the next week. That's the extent of my love.

I'm sorry, it's not enough. I don't mean to sit here and piss and moan about my boyfriend not telling me he loves me enough. I understand he's a missionary, he shouldn't be focusing on me, he should be focusing on his misson - which he does to an excellent extent. But I just am so tired of it. I'm tired of not feeling in love. I'm tired of waiting. I'm just tired of it all.

Here's the kicker - there's a guy. Not a guy I would ever leave Tom for, cause let's face it, there's no guy I would ever leave Tom for. But there's a guy who's giving me everything Tom can't, and I find myself falling for him...kinda hard. He's super funny, we get along great, I can talk to him about just about anything, and he's just pretty much awesome. I tell myself I need to hang out with him less because I really don't like that he's making me think and feel these things, but he's just such a good friend, I can't stop being around him. I enjoy his company far too much. And I'm just all confused inside now.

I've been talking to a friend about it a lot, trying to sort everything in my brain out, but I'm not really having any success. I can't tell if these things I am feeling for my friend, let's call him Jake for the sake of a name, are just because I miss being in love and feeling those attractions with Tom, or if I actually have something deeper for Jake. I can't tell if I like Jake, or just the feelings Jake gives me. It's all so confusing, and I'm not even entirely sure I'm making sense here, writing all this down now. Probably not. So I guess I'm just gonna go and leave all the confusion still bubbling around in my brain. Blah!