Longing

This is the worst part of it all: the night. I have an amazing day. I laugh my butt off all day, I am having a hoot with my friends, I am high on life, just living and loving every moment, and then the night rolls in...and it hits me like a knife in my gut: he's gone.

And it's not just that he's gone, it's that he's been gone for 14 months and he'll be gone for another 10 months. It's that I can't call him and talk to him. It's that I can't fall asleep in his arms. It's that I can't gush to him about how awesome life is. It's that I can't laugh with him. It's everything.

My heart breaks. I fight back the tears. Just about every night. Still, after 14 months, just about every night. I feel kinda pathetic admiting it, but it's true. As soon as I'm on my own, and my brain starts to wind down, the pit in my stomach starts to grow. It's physical, I swear. I swear I can feel  this rock in my gut, this pain in my heart.

I long for him. I don't think "miss" is the right word for the way I feel. I don't think "miss" is deep enough or strong enough. I long for him - I think that's more appropriate. I long to talk to him, to kiss him, to just be able to reach out and touch him, to know he's there.

I don't like blogging about it, but I hate talking about it even more, and I've gotta get these thoughts and feelings outta me somehow, so this is going to have to do. For the next ten months, this is the best I've got.