It's been a while since I've written anything. Life has been so crazy, so overwhelming, so busy...and I've been loving every minute of it. So 2010 is just about over. WOOT! I must say, I was absolutely dreading this year - an entire, full, complete year without my Thomas. Oh, how it was daunting as that year rolled in nearly 365 days ago. But ya know what? It was a pretty ding dang dong great year! So, in honor of the close of 2010 and the welcoming of 2011, I'd like to recap some of the highlights of 2010 (in no particular order).
1) My amazing cousin (who's pretty much my sister and probably one of - if not the - closest friend I have on this planet) set a date for her wedding. Not only that, but we found her wedding dress and our bridesmaid dresses.
2) I got hired as a Hall Manager on campus! This was probably the biggest day of my year. I had wanted this job more than anything, worked my little booty off to get it, and was beyond ecstatic when I got the phone call. Course, then I bawled like a baby when I immediately speed dialed Tom afterwards to tell him the big news, only to remember he is away on his mission, but hey, that's a whole nother story. :P Hands down, an amazing moment in my year.
3) I found out A LOT about who I am. Okay, this is kinda cheesey, but seriously! I think 2010 was probably the most influential year of my life. Because of the people I was surrounded with (new friends entering my life, old friends leaving), I grew SO much, and learned so much about what it means to be a friend and the kind of friend/person I wanted to be in life.
4) I made Dean's List both semesters. Okay, not that big of an accomplishment since I do it every semester, but hey, I'm proud of it. And my second semester, not only did I make Dean's List, but I finished the semester with 3.9 GPA. Pretty dang happy!
4) My Bestie started dating this really awesome guy, and I'm so incredibly happy for her! Definitely a highlight of my year to watch them and their relationship and to hear all the stories from her about him!
5) Tom and I had our 4 year anniversary! Talk about commitment! Holy moly, it's been so long! And 2011 will mark half a decade together!! Craziness! But totally awesome. I could not imagine a better man to spend 4 years (and of course the rest of forever) with!
6) I had my five year anniversary with Target! I can't believe I've been working there that long, but I absolutely love my job and the people I work with. It's been so much fun working there.
There were definitely other highlights - memories that I'll remember forever - but those are the big milestones I suppose I shall leave you with. I hope your 2010 was as wonderful and joy-filled as mine was, and your 2011 brings just as much happiness to your life! Happy New Year.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Thursday, December 16, 2010
No Longer a Yo-Yo
I'm not important to you. I thought I was, but I am discovering how very wrong I was.
I am not on the inside, though it use to seem that way. That was just ignorance, perhaps me being naive, to think that. I clearly see now that in fact, I am very much on the outside.
It's a dumb game we play, putting on this facade. Let's just admit it: it's all fake.
Maybe it wasn't fake at one point; maybe it just changed one day (or perhaps through the course of time). Or maybe it was never what it seemed in the first place.
Sometimes it feels like cat and mouse. One day I feel in, the next out. I feel like a yo-yo, constantly swung back and forth, up and down, in and out. When it's convenient for you, I'm in. When it's not, I'm out.
It's this dumb little back and forth thing. You think I don't notice, but I do. I just choose to not let it affect me. I choose to pretend that everything is okay, because life is short, so why stress about it?
But ya know what? I think I'm done pretending. I'm done wasting my time on you. This time I'm the one leaving you. And I am not coming back. I am not your yo-yo anymore.
For the first time in my life, I am not going to be a pushover. For the first time in my life, I am standing up for myself: and man, does it feel good.
I am not on the inside, though it use to seem that way. That was just ignorance, perhaps me being naive, to think that. I clearly see now that in fact, I am very much on the outside.
It's a dumb game we play, putting on this facade. Let's just admit it: it's all fake.
Maybe it wasn't fake at one point; maybe it just changed one day (or perhaps through the course of time). Or maybe it was never what it seemed in the first place.
Sometimes it feels like cat and mouse. One day I feel in, the next out. I feel like a yo-yo, constantly swung back and forth, up and down, in and out. When it's convenient for you, I'm in. When it's not, I'm out.
It's this dumb little back and forth thing. You think I don't notice, but I do. I just choose to not let it affect me. I choose to pretend that everything is okay, because life is short, so why stress about it?
But ya know what? I think I'm done pretending. I'm done wasting my time on you. This time I'm the one leaving you. And I am not coming back. I am not your yo-yo anymore.
For the first time in my life, I am not going to be a pushover. For the first time in my life, I am standing up for myself: and man, does it feel good.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Just some Thoughts
I've restarted this post about a dozen times. I can't focus my thoughts. There are a million things on my mind, but I can't figure out how get all the chaotic ramblings going on in my brain into words. There are so many things I want to share, so I'm just going to keep one plain and simple, straight to the point. Hopefully that will keep my ramblings and tangents in my brain instead of on here for you to try and follow and lost yourself.
I wish I could help young girls see that there is a bigger world out there, a world far beyond cliques, popularity contests, fashion trends, and dress size. I wish I could help them see there is no such thing as perfect, so they should stop trying to be just that. I wish I could help them feel better about themselves. I wish I could open their eyes to all of the far more important things in life. I wish I could help them see it is okay to just be yourself. I wish I could help them love themselves.
Heck, I wish everyone could see that there is a much bigger world than people realize. I think far too many people get far too caught up on the materialistic things in life. Money and possessions do not matter as much as the people in your life. I wish everyone would see that it's not the clothes on your back that people like about you, but the warmth of your soul that they enjoy. I wish everyone felt more comfortable about who they are and cared less about what others think about them.
I wish I could do something about world peace. I know, cheesey and corny sounding, but it's true. I have never understood the concept of war. What is the purpose of killing thousands of innocent people? Is it just to prove a point? Just to prove superiority? Can issues not be solved otherwise? I don't understand how pure hatred can exist in the heart of anyone. I don't understand how people can exist that have zero compassion in their hearts.
I hope I make a difference. I feel so strongly that I was put on this earth to make a difference in people's life. I have such a passion for helping others, I just know that's what God wants me to do. I just don't really know how to do it.
I wish everyone accepted anyone. I wish judgment left the face of this earth. Too many people, I believe, are too judgmental before they even get to know a person. Too many of us take one look at a person and decide within ten seconds what that person is like, inside and out. Which is impossible to do, and ridiculous to think you know someone just from looking at them.
I guess that's all the ranting I have in my brain at the moment...that, and the fact that I have class now, is why I am ending this post. Tata for now.
I wish I could help young girls see that there is a bigger world out there, a world far beyond cliques, popularity contests, fashion trends, and dress size. I wish I could help them see there is no such thing as perfect, so they should stop trying to be just that. I wish I could help them feel better about themselves. I wish I could open their eyes to all of the far more important things in life. I wish I could help them see it is okay to just be yourself. I wish I could help them love themselves.
Heck, I wish everyone could see that there is a much bigger world than people realize. I think far too many people get far too caught up on the materialistic things in life. Money and possessions do not matter as much as the people in your life. I wish everyone would see that it's not the clothes on your back that people like about you, but the warmth of your soul that they enjoy. I wish everyone felt more comfortable about who they are and cared less about what others think about them.
I wish I could do something about world peace. I know, cheesey and corny sounding, but it's true. I have never understood the concept of war. What is the purpose of killing thousands of innocent people? Is it just to prove a point? Just to prove superiority? Can issues not be solved otherwise? I don't understand how pure hatred can exist in the heart of anyone. I don't understand how people can exist that have zero compassion in their hearts.
I hope I make a difference. I feel so strongly that I was put on this earth to make a difference in people's life. I have such a passion for helping others, I just know that's what God wants me to do. I just don't really know how to do it.
I wish everyone accepted anyone. I wish judgment left the face of this earth. Too many people, I believe, are too judgmental before they even get to know a person. Too many of us take one look at a person and decide within ten seconds what that person is like, inside and out. Which is impossible to do, and ridiculous to think you know someone just from looking at them.
I guess that's all the ranting I have in my brain at the moment...that, and the fact that I have class now, is why I am ending this post. Tata for now.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Sunday, December 5, 2010
12 Days of Christmas?
Christmastime is bipolar time for me the last two years. I LOVE Christmas. I'm one of those people who start listening to Christmas music in like September. Yeah, I'm that crazy. But, of course, with Tom gone, Christmas has become bittersweet.
I still get extremely excited for Christmas time. I still get anxious for time with my amazing aunts and uncles and cousins. But then I think of Tom and I get sad. I hate spending the Holiday season without him. But it's not soooo bad. We still send each other Christmas packages and letters, and he gets to at least call home on Christmas, so it's one of the two days a year I get to talk to him and hear his voice. That's a big perk, right?
Well, I've been thinking about what the heck to make him for Christmas. We tend to make a lot of things for each other, and do things for each other, so I have to get creative. And after nearly five years, I feel like my creativity is getting drained. Well, as if I didn't already feel the pressure mounting (Christmas is just around the corner, I gotta get his package together and in the mail soon!), I got a little something from Thomas yesterday...
Brittney, one of my RAs, walked into my apartment yesterday and said she had a gift for me. It was a square-ish package wrapped in glitter tissue paper, and I naturally assumed it was from her. Then I unwrapped it, and my heart fell to my stomach. It was a black box, with a note taped to the top...the note was written in Tom's handwriting. It read: "On the first day of Christmas, your true love gave to you...A Christus in a glass cube!" Inside the box was a gorgeous glass cube with a statue of Christ etched on the inside.
Now, I dunno what this boy has up his sleeve this time, but it's safe to assume that I have 11 other gifts coming in the next week and a half...right? I'll keep ya posted. :)
I still get extremely excited for Christmas time. I still get anxious for time with my amazing aunts and uncles and cousins. But then I think of Tom and I get sad. I hate spending the Holiday season without him. But it's not soooo bad. We still send each other Christmas packages and letters, and he gets to at least call home on Christmas, so it's one of the two days a year I get to talk to him and hear his voice. That's a big perk, right?
Well, I've been thinking about what the heck to make him for Christmas. We tend to make a lot of things for each other, and do things for each other, so I have to get creative. And after nearly five years, I feel like my creativity is getting drained. Well, as if I didn't already feel the pressure mounting (Christmas is just around the corner, I gotta get his package together and in the mail soon!), I got a little something from Thomas yesterday...
Brittney, one of my RAs, walked into my apartment yesterday and said she had a gift for me. It was a square-ish package wrapped in glitter tissue paper, and I naturally assumed it was from her. Then I unwrapped it, and my heart fell to my stomach. It was a black box, with a note taped to the top...the note was written in Tom's handwriting. It read: "On the first day of Christmas, your true love gave to you...A Christus in a glass cube!" Inside the box was a gorgeous glass cube with a statue of Christ etched on the inside.
Now, I dunno what this boy has up his sleeve this time, but it's safe to assume that I have 11 other gifts coming in the next week and a half...right? I'll keep ya posted. :)
Friday, December 3, 2010
Triggers
There are triggers for me. I do just fine throughout the day holding myself together while Tom's away. I am always thinking about him, literally always, but I do perfectly fine holding myself together instead of falling apart. Never, ever, do I fall apart to anyone. It helps that I am so ridiculously busy so I don't have time to fall apart. But there are triggers. One minute I'll be just fine, and the next, a trigger hits and I can't stop crying.
In case you haven't picked up on it yet, I just came across a trigger. And it's preventing me from being able to do homework. So instead I'm blogging about triggers.
Today's trigger? A song. And a guy. See, Tom plays piano. He plays all the time, and he plays crazy awesomely well. He's pretty much amazing. But then again I may be biased...I loooove listening to him and watching him play. Before he left, he would play piano for me aaallll the time. He would learn songs I love and surprise me. He would teach me (or try to teach me) how to play songs with him. Whenever I was having a rough day or be in a bad mood, he would take my hand, walk me over to the piano, sit me down, and play. If I was at school, and my job was driving me crazy, or schoolwork was driving me crazy, I would text him, and say something like, "I'm having a bad day, in an awful mood, so I apologize in advance if I'm crabby when we talk tonight." And, because my Thomas is pretty much amazing and loves me so incredibly much, he would call me within a minute, and simply say, "What song do you want?" Then proceed to play piano for me over the phone to cheer me up. For our three year anniversary (our last one together before he left) he recorded a DVD of him playing all the songs on paino he knows for me. That way I could watch it whenever I was having a hard day while he was on his mission. Man, I love that boy.
So back to the trigger. A song and a boy. I was visiting with a friend today and he taught me some chords on the ukulele. Then he was playing some diddies. Well he started to play and sing "Fall For You" by Secondhand Serenade. As you may have been able to put two and two together by now, Thomas used to play that on piano for me. And I was triggered.
Now, like I said, I am very good at holding myself together. So, being the pro that I am, I continued to visit with my friend as if everything was okay, but as soon as I was in the comfort of my apartment....well, bring on the waterworks. I miss him playing for me. I miss every freakin' thing about him...but I'm not gonna sit here and whine about it, 'cause at the end of the day, what's the point? Me whining about it in a blog is not going to bring him home any sooner.
But crying at least helps...kinda. I mean, yeah, it's not gonna bring him home any sooner either, but it's just a relief from keeping everything tucked inside. But the thing with crying is: I never do it. So when something does trigger those tucked away emotions, they pour and pour out, and they're so hard to stop. I used to tell myself it was gonna get easier...yeah, it never does. Maybe when I get to the point where I'm only like a month away, then it'll be easier because I'll just be so incredibly giddy and excited for him to come home. We'll see, I guess.
In case you haven't picked up on it yet, I just came across a trigger. And it's preventing me from being able to do homework. So instead I'm blogging about triggers.
Today's trigger? A song. And a guy. See, Tom plays piano. He plays all the time, and he plays crazy awesomely well. He's pretty much amazing. But then again I may be biased...I loooove listening to him and watching him play. Before he left, he would play piano for me aaallll the time. He would learn songs I love and surprise me. He would teach me (or try to teach me) how to play songs with him. Whenever I was having a rough day or be in a bad mood, he would take my hand, walk me over to the piano, sit me down, and play. If I was at school, and my job was driving me crazy, or schoolwork was driving me crazy, I would text him, and say something like, "I'm having a bad day, in an awful mood, so I apologize in advance if I'm crabby when we talk tonight." And, because my Thomas is pretty much amazing and loves me so incredibly much, he would call me within a minute, and simply say, "What song do you want?" Then proceed to play piano for me over the phone to cheer me up. For our three year anniversary (our last one together before he left) he recorded a DVD of him playing all the songs on paino he knows for me. That way I could watch it whenever I was having a hard day while he was on his mission. Man, I love that boy.
So back to the trigger. A song and a boy. I was visiting with a friend today and he taught me some chords on the ukulele. Then he was playing some diddies. Well he started to play and sing "Fall For You" by Secondhand Serenade. As you may have been able to put two and two together by now, Thomas used to play that on piano for me. And I was triggered.
Now, like I said, I am very good at holding myself together. So, being the pro that I am, I continued to visit with my friend as if everything was okay, but as soon as I was in the comfort of my apartment....well, bring on the waterworks. I miss him playing for me. I miss every freakin' thing about him...but I'm not gonna sit here and whine about it, 'cause at the end of the day, what's the point? Me whining about it in a blog is not going to bring him home any sooner.
But crying at least helps...kinda. I mean, yeah, it's not gonna bring him home any sooner either, but it's just a relief from keeping everything tucked inside. But the thing with crying is: I never do it. So when something does trigger those tucked away emotions, they pour and pour out, and they're so hard to stop. I used to tell myself it was gonna get easier...yeah, it never does. Maybe when I get to the point where I'm only like a month away, then it'll be easier because I'll just be so incredibly giddy and excited for him to come home. We'll see, I guess.
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