Triggers

There are triggers for me. I do just fine throughout the day holding myself together while Tom's away. I am always thinking about him, literally always, but I do perfectly fine holding myself together instead of falling apart. Never, ever, do I fall apart to anyone. It helps that I am so ridiculously busy so I don't have time to fall apart. But there are triggers. One minute I'll be just fine, and the next, a trigger hits and I can't stop crying.

In case you haven't picked up on it yet, I just came across a trigger. And it's preventing me from being able to do homework. So instead I'm blogging about triggers.

Today's trigger? A song. And a guy. See, Tom plays piano. He plays all the time, and he plays crazy awesomely well. He's pretty much amazing. But then again I may be biased...I loooove listening to him and watching him play. Before he left, he would play piano for me aaallll the time. He would learn songs I love and surprise me. He would teach me (or try to teach me) how to play songs with him. Whenever I was having a rough day or be in a bad mood, he would take my hand, walk me over to the piano, sit me down, and play. If I was at school, and my job was driving me crazy, or schoolwork was driving me crazy, I would text him, and say something like, "I'm having a bad day, in an awful mood, so I apologize in advance if I'm crabby when we talk tonight." And, because my Thomas is pretty much amazing and loves me so incredibly much, he would call me within a minute, and simply say, "What song do you want?" Then proceed to play piano for me over the phone to cheer me up. For our three year anniversary (our last one together before he left) he recorded a DVD of him playing all the songs on paino he knows for me. That way I could watch it whenever I was having a hard day while he was on his mission. Man, I love that boy.

So back to the trigger. A song and a boy. I was visiting with a friend today and he taught me some chords on the ukulele. Then he was playing some diddies. Well he started to play and sing "Fall For You" by Secondhand Serenade. As you may have been able to put two and two together by now, Thomas used to play that on piano for me. And I was triggered.

Now, like I said, I am very good at holding myself together. So, being the pro that I am, I continued to visit with my friend as if everything was okay, but as soon as I was in the comfort of my apartment....well, bring on the waterworks. I miss him playing for me. I miss every freakin' thing about him...but I'm not gonna sit here and whine about it, 'cause at the end of the day, what's the point? Me whining about it in a blog is not going to bring him home any sooner.

But crying at least helps...kinda. I mean, yeah, it's not gonna bring him home any sooner either, but it's just a relief from keeping everything tucked inside. But the thing with crying is: I never do it. So when something does trigger those tucked away emotions, they pour and pour out, and they're so hard to stop. I used to tell myself it was gonna get easier...yeah, it never does. Maybe when I get to the point where I'm only like a month away, then it'll be easier because I'll just be so incredibly giddy and excited for him to come home. We'll see, I guess.