For Time & All Eternity

Well it's been a few weeks.

Oofda!

Crazy busy times + no internet = no blogging.

But now I'm sitting in our living room, cuddled up to my hubby, watching Forrest Gump while we paint some artwork for our new place.

I gave up on my painting.

For now anyway...

And decided I wanted to blog instead.

Writing comes far more naturally to me than painting. 

So! Busy busy awesome times!

We moved into our apartment one week ago.

I am loving it!
It's wonderful to finally have our own place!
We still have just a few more stuff to unpack, but we're almost complete!

Don't worry, I'll get pics up eventually...

But more important than our moving in, Thomas and I were finally sealed today!

{There's some "sneak peak" pictures below, curtosy of Kristin Jones - - Check her out!! --> http://www.anyanglephotography.com/}

It was a perfectly wonderful ceremony,

If you're unfamiliar with what I'm talking about, allow me to explain...

In Mormonism, we have different ordinances that we participate in throughout our lives. These include baptism, confirmation, and sealing.

To be sealed to your spouse is to be bound as husband and wife for eternity.

In a typical civil marriage, a couple is married unto "death parts us."

But in an LDS temple marriage, a husband and wife are married "for time and all eternity."

Typically, when two Mormon members want to marry, they get married in the temple. However, because I was a convert, and my entire family was Catholic and therefore unable to enter the temple for the ceremony, Thomas and I chose to get married in a chapel instead of a temple, which meant it was to be a civil ceremony. 

We then had to wait a year before we could receive our sealing and be bound together for eternity in the St. Paul Temple.

If it's confusing, check out my post: What's the Difference?

I explain it all in there. 

So today was the day.

And it was perfect.

I was kneeling at the alter, holding my wonderful husband's hands, listening to the words in this blessing, and this overwhelming feeling of gratitude and thankfulness flooded me. 

Here I was, with this amazing man before me, and he had chosen me to spend the rest of forever with.

Do you understand how long forever is? 

It's a long time.

I started crying as I thought of everything we've been through to get to where we finally are.

Almost seven years of ups, downs, mountains to climb, easy times to soar through. 

Almost seven years of laughter, tears, joy, and pain.

Here was someone before me who had stood by side through so much in life. 

I knelt there thinking I am such a lucky woman.

Because I know, for a surety, that this man is someone who will never forsake me.

He'll take care of me when I'm sick.

He'll make me happy when I'm sad.

He'll be strong when I'm weak.

He'll be my shoulder when I need to cry.

He'll be my better half...forever.

Sometimes, especially lately, I get frustrated when I think of our relationship. I throw myself pity parties, and sit thinking about how Thomas and I have had to do "everything" the hard way: the mission, my conversion, almost seven years of mountains to climb. our wedding, and our miscarriage.

But today, kneeling at that alter, thinking about everything Thomas & I have had to work through to get to that alter today, instead of feeling frustrated, I felt overjoyed. I felt grateful. Those trials have made Thomas and I so strong. 

Our relationship is deep and true and full.

And through every battle we've had to fight, Thomas has stood by my side.

Thomas has been my better half.

And he's now my better half for eternity. 

I know I gush about him a lot.

I know I get mushy gushy and make you want to gag.

But today was the most meaningful, important day of my life. 

I am so thankful that Heavenly Father brought Thomas and i together. 

I don't believe it's coincidence that Thomas' family moved here from England for his dad's work. 

It was purposeful.

It was one of the first step's in God's plan.

I am so eager for our future together.

I am so eager to see what else Heavenly Father has in store for us. 

I love this life.

I love my husband.

Kids vs Grownups

It's kind of amazing how your attitude about winter changes as you grow.

When you're little, you love it.

The snow is magical.

It's fun.

It means Santa and no school and snow forts.

You love it.

When you're a grownup, you hate it.

You dread winter approaching.

The snow is evil.

It means brushing and scraping your car.

It means icy roads and terrible driving.

You hate it.

Generally, I act like a normal adult come winter time.

I dread it.

However, I was ecstatic when the snow began to fall two days ago...

Remember our wedding last year?
How there wasn't a flake of snow on the ground?
I was SO excited to have a gorgeous winter wedding.

Beautiful pictures out in the snowy, gorgeous winter wonderland.

Well, had to scratch that.

Instead, we got pictures with barren trees and yellow grass.

They were great, don't get me wrong.

But what a boring backdrop..

Well! The time has come!

In 11 days Thomas and I will have our temple sealing!
And more pictures!!

We wear our wedding outfits.

So I'll be in my wedding dress, Thomas in a nice suit.

And we're going to get pictures of the big occasion outside the temple, surrounded in a gorgeous winter wonderland!

We have a second chance of pictures with snow!

I am super excited!

December is a Good Month

I've been having lots of fun baking recently!

Baking.

Not cooking.
I always thought I like cooking more...turns out, I just might like baking!

And might I add, not only have I been baking more, but I've been baking goooooood stuff.

Like, actually successful good.

Finger-lickin' good.

Yummy in your tummy good.

Ya know what I mean??

Maybe this is it.

Ya know how I'm a disastrous cook?

MAJOR disaster?

Perhaps it's because I'm meant to bake!

So! What am I making these days??

First, it was the peach cobbler.

From scratch, might I add.

Paula Dean's Peach Cobbler.

And it was MIGHTY tasty.

It looked just like this:

Literally.

Perfectly golden brown.

Sprinkled with just enough cinnamon.

Oooh my goodness, I almost cried tears of joy when I pulled it out of the oven. I had never in my life cooked something even close to as perfect as that.

And it was a SUPER easy recipe too!
(Obviously, if I could make it!)

My next baking tackle?

The Pineapple Angel Food Cake I found on Pinterest.

Ahh Pinterest.

You are so amazing...

Anywho, it was this:

That's literally all you need.

Two ingredients.

Mix it up.

Put it in the oven.

Voila!

Okay, this one wasn't so much of a baking experience.

But it was delish!

Served it with whipped cream.

If I were to make it again, I'd make a cool whip frosting.

And the latest baking blue ribbon:

Gingerbread Cheesecake Bites.

My new favorite Christmas cookie.

Now, mine looked NOTHING like what you see here.

They were quite ugly.

I had a rather incredibly difficult time managing the cheesecake filling and getting it to fill the cookies all nice and pretty like you see here...

but the important thing is: Even though they looked ugly, they tasted so pretty in my mouth! I have eaten far too many.

That's the other wonderful "problem" with these: They're bite size. So you constantly think, "Oh just one more..."

Which, as we all know, really means six more...

Oh well.

Totally worth it.

As a completely different side note: I'm supposed to be 13 weeks now, into my second trimester. I had a really hard time with it on Sunday, I was crying in church. When I told Thomas why I was so upset, he held me and said, "You're not supposed to be in your second trimester. If you were meant to be, you would be. It wasn't meant to be yet."

I know he was trying to comfort me and be sweet, but man, that was a tough pill to swallow.

I keep getting weekly emails from "thebump.com" telling me how my baby is growing week-by-week...I really gotta delete my account or something...

We move into our apartment in ten days.

TEN DAYS.

I know. I'm freaking out too.

We have I think six boxes packed..,

Um, yeah...work to do...

And then we celebrate our One Year Anniversary in 12 days! 

And then we finally get Sealed in 17 days!

And then Christmas celebrations begin in 19 days!

Man.

December is a good month.

Home Sweet Home!

I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving.

Because I didn't.

Well, it was okay.

I woke up Thursday sick.

 And I was DETERMINED to not miss Thanksgiving dinner.

So I told Thomas, it was mind over matter, and I was gonna be fine...

Didn't work out.

I think we stayed at dinner for less than an hour before I needed to go.

So then I was stuck home sick all night with the flu.

Which also meant: no black Friday shopping for me.

Boo.

Thomas was happy about that, of course. 

Saved him so moola.

Not only was I supposed to go shopping Friday,

But Thomas and I were supposed to tour another apartment Friday as well.

Well, that had to be rescheduled, so we made it for Saturday...hoping I'd at least make it long enough through the tour without needing to vomit...

Well, Saturday came around, and oofda, feeling better!

Not great, but better.

So off to our tour we went!

Well, I actually went by myself, and Thomas met me there (late) from work. 

(His last day at Ihop!)

I was already in love with this place, just from browsing online.

I knew I wanted to live here.

And after the tour, Thomas did too!

So we sat in the lobby and talked.

Made sure this was what we wanted.

It was!

So we filled out our application and we are officially moving into Vicksburg Village Apartments on December 15! 

Three weeks!!!

I am SO excited!

What a great anniversary present to ourselves! :)

This place is great! 

Every unit comes with its own washer and dryer.

Heated underground garage.

Pools, jacuzzi, sauna, fitness center, guest rooms, party rooms, etc.

It's gorgeous, modern, beautiful!

Um, WALK-IN CLOSET in our bedroom!

Oh, and my favorite part?

No, the closet's not my favorite...

It's literally across the street from my work.

And about four blocks from Thomas'.

Have I mentioned we're trying to do one car until he's outta school?

Yeah.

Can you say, "Perfect!"?!

This place seemed great. 

There were actually people (lots) walking around the halls and socializing, and it seemed like just about everyone knew and said hi to Lucia, the office lady giving us the tour.

It was so warm, friendly, and welcoming.

I loved it!

I have loved living with Thomas' family, and they've been so great and generous, and i'm so grateful!

...But I am SOOOO stinkin' happy to have a home to call our very own!

Why Make Plans??

First things first:
I'm going to brag to you about my husband.

My amazing, wonderful husband.

By the way, I'm still relishing in the fact that he's my "husband."

No longer "boyfriend."

Husband.

Mmmmm.

I never get tired of saying it.

Anywho, he's my rock.

He's as close to perfect as it gets.

And he has been the greatest blessing in my life.

Especially this past week.

The thing I love most about my Thomas?
How protective he is over me.

The fact that I know he would move mountains for me.

He loves me with such a deep, fiery passion, and he makes sure I know it every day.

Anywho, this past week he's been even more amazing than I ever could have asked.

He dropped everything and left school two hours early when I went to the ER last week...and that was when he thought I was being an over-reactive, paranoid, first-time pregnancy mother.

That night, after we got home, we had the true test of just how much Thomas loves me:

he let me pick "Elf" for us to watch in bed that night.

Elf.

November 7.

My husband hates Christmas being celebrated a minute before December 1st. 

But we got to watch Elf. :)

He's pampered me head to toe this past week.

Held me while I cried.

Skipped classes.

Too off work.

His first day back at school, he'd been gone maybe 45 min before I called him bawling, and in 2 minutes he was on his way back home to me.

When he got home, he brought me ice cream (the second pint in three days...I was eating a lot of ice cream these past several days...), and two different kinds of chocolates:

1) my favorite (which are also one of his favorites)

and 2) Ones I love and he hates, to prove the treats are just for me. 

This week, he's come home early every day from school, so I don't have to spend too much time at home by myself.

Although, I'm beginning to think it might have more to do with the fact that he knows if he comes home early, we'll have time for a couple episodes of "How I Met Your Mother" before I fall asleep...

Anywho, I just want the world to know:
My husband is amazing.

And I love him endlessly.

I'm having trouble accepting everything.

And I'm struggling to keep my anger at bay.

Because here's the problem:

I just don't get it.

Thomas and I were actively trying to NOT get pregnant.

We were using contraceptives.

We knew we weren't going to be ready to start a family until Thomas was out of school, and he had a full-time job.

Then, one random day, we end up pregnant.

I am a firm believer that God plays a hand in virtually everything in our lives. Everything happens for a reason, because of our Heavenly Father.

I saw it as a blessing. A miracle, almost.

God clearly wanted us to have a baby.

This baby.

He clearly had plans different than what we had planned.

It scared me, but I knew that if we trusted in the Lord, He would provide a way.

Then, one day, He takes our baby away.

What? Did He change His mind??

Why have us get pregnant, when we were doing everything to not get pregnant, and when You didn't want us to have the baby anyway?

Why cause this pain?
What's the purpose???

I can't figure it out.

I don't get it.

And what frustrates me more, is watching others get pregnant.

Come on. He gives Snooki a baby, but takes mine??

Snooki can have a baby, be a mom, but I can't??

You and I both know I will be ten times the mom Snooki will.

Okay, I know that's judgmental.

And a stupid thing for me to think.

But the state I'm in, I don't think rationally anyway.

Any time I see mothers, pregnant or with their child already, I think "Why do they get theirs' but I don't get mine?"

I'm just struggling with the "whys".

I know I shouldn't, of course, but what can you do?

Trying to focus on the future and keep moving forward is easier said than done...especially when thinking about the future makes you think of what could have been..

Our Newest Obsession

Remember when Thomas was going through the phase where he wanted to watch Grey's Anatomy all the time? When I got him hooked from season one?
Well, now he has a new obsession.
And I have it with him.

"How I Met Your Mother."

One word: Why?
WHY has it taken so long for this show to come into our lives??

Apparently it's been around for years!
It's just that recently everybody's been talking about it, sort of all of a sudden it seems.

So, we've started watching.

And our hooked!

It started the first day we spent home after the ER.

Laying in bed in pajamas all day, we needed something to do.

So. Naturally, we peruse Netflix in the hopes of finding something to watch and kill the day with!

And we come across "How I Met Your Mother."

And decided to watch.

And now we can't stop.

What a freakin' funny show.

Marshall? Hands down the best one on the show.

I gotta say, it actually gives "FRIENDS" a run for it's money...

We're only on season two, 

and already trying to figure things out.

Now, it's only Robin, and one other chick in the show who could possibly be the mother.

Now, you know it's not Robin, because she keeps getting referred to as "your aunt Robin", but then when the heck are they going to break up? And how?

Anywho,

it's a great show.

Gonna watch some more tonight when Thomas returns home from class.

Oh.

And speaking of that wonderful man,

he got a new job!

He's going to be a server at Old Chicago in Plymouth! 

We are very excited!

Hopefully, this means more hours and bigger bills (meaning bigger tips!)!

It's just down the road from work - which, Thomas pointed out to me today, means I can come visit him every day on my hour-long break. 

Well, I don't know about every day, but I'm sure I'll be driving down there a lot.

The apartment we checked out on Saturday were really nice.
Beautiful, actually.

A two bedroom-er at $920/mo.

Thomas is still thinking we should get a two bedroom.

He says we could make the second bedroom an office or something.

It's not a bad idea.

I just still don't really know how I feel about it...

But anyway, this place, really nice.

And privately owned, so they do a lot of communal activities and events.

But we didn't see a single soul in the buildings, aside from the people in the party room for a baby shower...

So we've got another apartment tour set-up for Saturday.

But here's the pickle:

This one-bedroom apartment is $809/mo.

To have a washer & dryer in our room, so we don't have to use the communal laundry room, increases our rent to $860/mo.

Is the convenience worth the price??

I think so.

Definitely.

Thomas on the hand??....Wellll he needs some convincing. 

He doesn't think it's worth it.

I'll need to work on him a bit more...

Apartment Hunting

I just got an email confirming the delivery of the dress I ordered last week.

It will be here in 2-3 days.

It's a long white flowy lacy dress.

One that I was going to wear for our temple sealing in December.

You know, the special ceremony where Thomas & I become husband and wife for eternity, not just "till death parts us."

Originally I was going to wear my wedding dress from our actual wedding.

But then I found out I was pregnant.

And I was going to be 16 weeks, and no longer fitting into that dress by the time our temple sealing arrived on December 22.

I needed a dress to flow over my growing belly.

I don't need that dress anymore.

I can wear my original wedding dress.

I'll have to send it right back when it arrives.

Just like I should return the maternity clothes I already bought.

And the baby shoes.

But I can't.

We were going to do that yesterday.

But I couldn't do it.

Thomas said I shouldn't anyway.

He's been so amazing...

I'm not having a proper miscarriage.

It makes me scared.

I went to the doctor's on Thursday morning, to follow up after the ER.

I should be bleeding tons.

(sorry if that grosses you out...)

And doubled over in pain.

I'm still barely bleeding, and barely experiencing pain.

They gave me pills to sort of induce the pregnancy out of me.

It hasn't worked yet, and it should have.

I'll have to try another dose again tonight.

If it still doesn't work, I'll have to have an operation.

They'll physically go in and take everything out.

It sounds scary and painful.

I just want this over with.

I wish everything would leave me so I could get it over with and move on.

Every time I use the bathroom, it's a slap in the face, and I cry.

Course, I cry from the smallest triggers.

We're still looking at apartments.
We want to keep moving forward with plans.
Had our first tour today.
We gave up on houses for now - we never ended up hearing back from our mortgage guy, and we figured that was a sign to not try a house yet.
So we decided to rent.
We'll get a house after Thomas graduates and he's got a full time job too, and we have more of an idea of where he'll end up working and where to move to.
The place we looked at today was really nice.
Beautiful apartment.
But it was a two bedroom.
We made the appointment before everything happened.
I think we're going to move down to one bedroom apartments.
It'll just make me sad to have an empty room right now.
Besides, since the baby was a surprise, we've decided to go back to our original plan of not trying until Thomas is graduated and has a job too.
So we'll probably start trying this summer.
Maybe.

We're going to go on a date tonight.
Get dressed up and go out.
We've been locking ourselves in our house (or my parents) in the fear of going out and the medicine finally kicking in, and I'm stuck somewhere in public doubled over in pain.
So we're going to go out for a little pick-me-up before I try a second dose of medicine. 
It should be fun.
We're going to try the new Brazilian steakhouse in Maple Grove: Rodizio....or something like that...
I've heard wonderful things about it.

Anywho, life is moving.
Kinda in a blur, kinda in a standstill at the same time.
On the plus side though, I started working on a list of all the blessings I have in my life, to kind of help cheer me up and make me see how wonderful life is.
My list is at 73, and that's just from ten minutes this morning.
I'll add to it as things pop into my mind.
But 73!
That's a lot.
So. Life is still beautiful.
Hard sometimes.
But beautiful.

It's Only Goodbye for Now

It's 1:30 am.

I can't sleep.

Or stop crying.

We lost our little baby.

Our little Isabelle...or Benjamin.

I think she was an Isabelle.

Whenever I thought of her, or dreamed of her, it was always a girl. Always. And I've always been scared to have a girl, always wanted boys more. So these strong feelings of a girl? Well, I think she was a girl.

We already had the names picked out.

Isabelle Rose or Benjamin Thomas. 

I was already stocking up on clearanced-out maternity clothes.

And cocoa butter to prevent stretch marks.

And my Bebands.

My momma was always going nuts on buying things.

We had little shoes.

A book called, "I Love You More" to read to her.

My mom got me this adorable picture frame that said:

"Before you were conceived, I wanted you.

Before you were born, I loved you.

Before you were here an hour, I would give my life for you."

It's crazy how much I have fallen in love with my baby before she was even here. We never got to hear her heartbeat. At nine weeks, she would have been about one inch long, the size of an olive. She was already moving her little stubs of arms and legs.

It started yesterday.

The spotting.

I convinced myself it was nothing.

Some women spot during pregnancy - totally normal.

My mother did it.

And it wasn't the bright scary red they tell you about.

I shook it off.

I was scheduled to have my 10 week appointment next week, so I'd mention it to my doctor then, but wasn't going to stress about it.

But it got progressively worse.

And the cramps started coming.

Very subtle, but there.

And tonight, it became that bright scary red.

I have never been so incredibly grateful to be living with my in-laws.

Thomas has night class, so I would have been home alone.

In tears, I went upstairs, told my mum-in-law what was happening, and off we were to the emergency room.

I sent a text to Thomas and my parents, and got checked in.

Lots of tests.

Blood. Urine. Pelvic. Ultrasound.

My mom arrived while I was off at my ultrasound.

At first I liked the ultrasound.

I could see the baby. Plain as day.

There was the big black circle of fluid, and then there she was.

My little gray peanut.

I watched as the nurse measured her. 

I felt good. Happy to see her for the first time.

I almost forgot why I was there in the first place.

While we waited in the room for the results of everything, me and my two moms, Thomas arrived. We waited for what seemed like an hour...though it was only about 20 minutes.

When the doctor came in, she just blurted it out:

"I have bad news."
She hadn't even shut the door behind her yet...

There's no words, absolutely NO words to describe it.

I lost it. It was the ugly, uncontrollable crying.

And of course, the first thought: "Why? This isn't fair."

I am such a firm believer in everything happens for a reason.

Heavenly Father has a plan for each of us.

And I'm trying so hard to not be angry.

To not try and figure out that plan, because I just don't see it right now.

I spent so much of time daydreaming about her.

The nine months of growing her in my belly, watching it get big and smooth.

Holding her for the first time in the hospital.

Nursing her.

Covering her in kisses.

She was already so real to me.

I'm trying to stay positive.

I keep reading different scriptures. 

Keep telling myself it's not my fault.

Keep trying to see that silver lining...even though it's pretty faded right now...

It helps knowing I'll see her again.

Some day, I will be with my sweet little peanut again.
Some day.

The Day I Peed on a Stick...

I remember it like it was yesterday...

Well, probably because it was yesterday.

Tuesday, October 2.

I'm writing this post on Wednesday October 3.

And then just saving it as a draft, waiting to post until the time is right...

So what exactly was yesterday?
The day I peed on a stick.

And it said this:

Pregnant.

I just about had a heart attack.

I used a couple sticks, just to be sure...

Whoa.

Pregnant.

Whaaaa??

Okay, ya'll know my baby fever has always been crazy, 

and I've been dying to be a mama.

But I was not prepared for this...

This was a big surprise!

So many emotions ran through my heart.

I was ecstatic.

I was scared.

I was giddy.

I was nervous.

My heart fell to my stomach.

And then my stomach swelled with butterflies.

This was a big surprise!

We weren't planning on having a baby until we had our own house, and Thomas was done with school.

But, apparently God had other plans for us.

Other wonderful plans!

I'll be honest: I was scared to tell Thomas.

I was afraid he'd be upset, worried, talk only about money, all the negative things...I was so wrong.

Well, of course the money issue came up, but he was so happy! 

And I am {sooo} happy.

This is the greatest most unexpected wonderful blessing!

Simply wonderful.

We are going to PARENTS!!

GAH!!!

:D

Sunday October 7

Well, our families know!
Okay, his family, my parents - my siblings don't know yet.

Both parents were excited with us!!

Eeek!

We emailed his sister, Genna, since she's on her mission.

And we skyped his sister and her husband, Samantha and Clark, and they are super excited as well!

The only siblings of mine who know so far is my youngest brother, Nick, because he's the only one still at home and was home when we told my parents.

My sister is coming home from college next weekend, so it just happened to work out to have a big family dinner, and we're telling my siblings then!

I have my name on the waiting list at work, so hopefully when baby arrives, the little bundle of joy will be able to come to work with me every day!

I have my first appointment scheduled for Thursday, the 11!

I can't wait to see how far along I actually am and find out my due date!

Thursday October 11

We just had our first prenatal appointment!!
EEEEEEK!

I don't think I've ever been so giddy!

Everything went great!

Found out I am 5.5 weeks along, and providing a great, nutritious and healthy home for my appleseed-sized offspring.

My due date is set for June 10, 2013!

I will have my first offical OB appointment in five weeks, on November 14, and at this appointment....we get to listen to the heartbeat!!

Eeeeek!!!

It all feels so much more real now.

It was so hard to wrap my head around, and really believe because it was so unexpected, but now I finally feel pregnant.

I'm gonna be a MOMMY!!

The morning sickness isn't the greatest - it's really start to kick in this past week, and Jana, my doctor, says it's probably just the beginning.

And for me, it's more "all day sickness" rather than morning sickness.

Blah.

I have a stash of crackers with me at work now.

Cross your fingers for me that this part doesn't last too long...

Sunday October 14

Today was the big day!

We told my brothers and sister at dinner.

Well, dessert actually...

Again, more excitement and hugs!

After we had dinner, we went over to my Grandma and Grandpa's to tell them too! We also spent a rather large chunk of time on the phone telling my aunts and uncles!

Oh yes...and I'm six weeks today. 

Taking it by our England flag was actually my idea, not Thomas'. ;)

And yes, I'm gonna be the kind of woman who takes a picture every single week...even though there's nothing to see yet... :) 

Sunday October 21

Well, now I'm seven weeks.

And feeling sicker than ever. 

I'm sick all day every day.

For the past couple weeks.

It feels like I have the flu all the time.

Nauseated. Achy. Headaches. Cold. BLECH!

I'm exhausted ALL the time.

It's a lot of fun...

It makes me very excited for the first trimester to be over...

Sunday October 28

And today is finally the big day.
The day we tell the world our big news.
We were going to try to wait to ten weeks, when we'll hear the baby's heartbeat, and the chance of miscarriage drops from 25% to about 2%, buuuut we're too excited.
And it's been hard enough holding it in so far. 
So. 
Here it is.
Thomas and I are having a baby!
EEEEEEK!!!!