Why Make Plans??

First things first:
I'm going to brag to you about my husband.

My amazing, wonderful husband.

By the way, I'm still relishing in the fact that he's my "husband."

No longer "boyfriend."

Husband.

Mmmmm.

I never get tired of saying it.

Anywho, he's my rock.

He's as close to perfect as it gets.

And he has been the greatest blessing in my life.

Especially this past week.

The thing I love most about my Thomas?
How protective he is over me.

The fact that I know he would move mountains for me.

He loves me with such a deep, fiery passion, and he makes sure I know it every day.

Anywho, this past week he's been even more amazing than I ever could have asked.

He dropped everything and left school two hours early when I went to the ER last week...and that was when he thought I was being an over-reactive, paranoid, first-time pregnancy mother.

That night, after we got home, we had the true test of just how much Thomas loves me:

he let me pick "Elf" for us to watch in bed that night.

Elf.

November 7.

My husband hates Christmas being celebrated a minute before December 1st. 

But we got to watch Elf. :)

He's pampered me head to toe this past week.

Held me while I cried.

Skipped classes.

Too off work.

His first day back at school, he'd been gone maybe 45 min before I called him bawling, and in 2 minutes he was on his way back home to me.

When he got home, he brought me ice cream (the second pint in three days...I was eating a lot of ice cream these past several days...), and two different kinds of chocolates:

1) my favorite (which are also one of his favorites)

and 2) Ones I love and he hates, to prove the treats are just for me. 

This week, he's come home early every day from school, so I don't have to spend too much time at home by myself.

Although, I'm beginning to think it might have more to do with the fact that he knows if he comes home early, we'll have time for a couple episodes of "How I Met Your Mother" before I fall asleep...

Anywho, I just want the world to know:
My husband is amazing.

And I love him endlessly.

I'm having trouble accepting everything.

And I'm struggling to keep my anger at bay.

Because here's the problem:

I just don't get it.

Thomas and I were actively trying to NOT get pregnant.

We were using contraceptives.

We knew we weren't going to be ready to start a family until Thomas was out of school, and he had a full-time job.

Then, one random day, we end up pregnant.

I am a firm believer that God plays a hand in virtually everything in our lives. Everything happens for a reason, because of our Heavenly Father.

I saw it as a blessing. A miracle, almost.

God clearly wanted us to have a baby.

This baby.

He clearly had plans different than what we had planned.

It scared me, but I knew that if we trusted in the Lord, He would provide a way.

Then, one day, He takes our baby away.

What? Did He change His mind??

Why have us get pregnant, when we were doing everything to not get pregnant, and when You didn't want us to have the baby anyway?

Why cause this pain?
What's the purpose???

I can't figure it out.

I don't get it.

And what frustrates me more, is watching others get pregnant.

Come on. He gives Snooki a baby, but takes mine??

Snooki can have a baby, be a mom, but I can't??

You and I both know I will be ten times the mom Snooki will.

Okay, I know that's judgmental.

And a stupid thing for me to think.

But the state I'm in, I don't think rationally anyway.

Any time I see mothers, pregnant or with their child already, I think "Why do they get theirs' but I don't get mine?"

I'm just struggling with the "whys".

I know I shouldn't, of course, but what can you do?

Trying to focus on the future and keep moving forward is easier said than done...especially when thinking about the future makes you think of what could have been..