Apartment Hunting

I just got an email confirming the delivery of the dress I ordered last week.

It will be here in 2-3 days.

It's a long white flowy lacy dress.

One that I was going to wear for our temple sealing in December.

You know, the special ceremony where Thomas & I become husband and wife for eternity, not just "till death parts us."

Originally I was going to wear my wedding dress from our actual wedding.

But then I found out I was pregnant.

And I was going to be 16 weeks, and no longer fitting into that dress by the time our temple sealing arrived on December 22.

I needed a dress to flow over my growing belly.

I don't need that dress anymore.

I can wear my original wedding dress.

I'll have to send it right back when it arrives.

Just like I should return the maternity clothes I already bought.

And the baby shoes.

But I can't.

We were going to do that yesterday.

But I couldn't do it.

Thomas said I shouldn't anyway.

He's been so amazing...

I'm not having a proper miscarriage.

It makes me scared.

I went to the doctor's on Thursday morning, to follow up after the ER.

I should be bleeding tons.

(sorry if that grosses you out...)

And doubled over in pain.

I'm still barely bleeding, and barely experiencing pain.

They gave me pills to sort of induce the pregnancy out of me.

It hasn't worked yet, and it should have.

I'll have to try another dose again tonight.

If it still doesn't work, I'll have to have an operation.

They'll physically go in and take everything out.

It sounds scary and painful.

I just want this over with.

I wish everything would leave me so I could get it over with and move on.

Every time I use the bathroom, it's a slap in the face, and I cry.

Course, I cry from the smallest triggers.

We're still looking at apartments.
We want to keep moving forward with plans.
Had our first tour today.
We gave up on houses for now - we never ended up hearing back from our mortgage guy, and we figured that was a sign to not try a house yet.
So we decided to rent.
We'll get a house after Thomas graduates and he's got a full time job too, and we have more of an idea of where he'll end up working and where to move to.
The place we looked at today was really nice.
Beautiful apartment.
But it was a two bedroom.
We made the appointment before everything happened.
I think we're going to move down to one bedroom apartments.
It'll just make me sad to have an empty room right now.
Besides, since the baby was a surprise, we've decided to go back to our original plan of not trying until Thomas is graduated and has a job too.
So we'll probably start trying this summer.
Maybe.

We're going to go on a date tonight.
Get dressed up and go out.
We've been locking ourselves in our house (or my parents) in the fear of going out and the medicine finally kicking in, and I'm stuck somewhere in public doubled over in pain.
So we're going to go out for a little pick-me-up before I try a second dose of medicine. 
It should be fun.
We're going to try the new Brazilian steakhouse in Maple Grove: Rodizio....or something like that...
I've heard wonderful things about it.

Anywho, life is moving.
Kinda in a blur, kinda in a standstill at the same time.
On the plus side though, I started working on a list of all the blessings I have in my life, to kind of help cheer me up and make me see how wonderful life is.
My list is at 73, and that's just from ten minutes this morning.
I'll add to it as things pop into my mind.
But 73!
That's a lot.
So. Life is still beautiful.
Hard sometimes.
But beautiful.