Home Sweet Home!

I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving.

Because I didn't.

Well, it was okay.

I woke up Thursday sick.

 And I was DETERMINED to not miss Thanksgiving dinner.

So I told Thomas, it was mind over matter, and I was gonna be fine...

Didn't work out.

I think we stayed at dinner for less than an hour before I needed to go.

So then I was stuck home sick all night with the flu.

Which also meant: no black Friday shopping for me.

Boo.

Thomas was happy about that, of course. 

Saved him so moola.

Not only was I supposed to go shopping Friday,

But Thomas and I were supposed to tour another apartment Friday as well.

Well, that had to be rescheduled, so we made it for Saturday...hoping I'd at least make it long enough through the tour without needing to vomit...

Well, Saturday came around, and oofda, feeling better!

Not great, but better.

So off to our tour we went!

Well, I actually went by myself, and Thomas met me there (late) from work. 

(His last day at Ihop!)

I was already in love with this place, just from browsing online.

I knew I wanted to live here.

And after the tour, Thomas did too!

So we sat in the lobby and talked.

Made sure this was what we wanted.

It was!

So we filled out our application and we are officially moving into Vicksburg Village Apartments on December 15! 

Three weeks!!!

I am SO excited!

What a great anniversary present to ourselves! :)

This place is great! 

Every unit comes with its own washer and dryer.

Heated underground garage.

Pools, jacuzzi, sauna, fitness center, guest rooms, party rooms, etc.

It's gorgeous, modern, beautiful!

Um, WALK-IN CLOSET in our bedroom!

Oh, and my favorite part?

No, the closet's not my favorite...

It's literally across the street from my work.

And about four blocks from Thomas'.

Have I mentioned we're trying to do one car until he's outta school?

Yeah.

Can you say, "Perfect!"?!

This place seemed great. 

There were actually people (lots) walking around the halls and socializing, and it seemed like just about everyone knew and said hi to Lucia, the office lady giving us the tour.

It was so warm, friendly, and welcoming.

I loved it!

I have loved living with Thomas' family, and they've been so great and generous, and i'm so grateful!

...But I am SOOOO stinkin' happy to have a home to call our very own!

Why Make Plans??

First things first:
I'm going to brag to you about my husband.

My amazing, wonderful husband.

By the way, I'm still relishing in the fact that he's my "husband."

No longer "boyfriend."

Husband.

Mmmmm.

I never get tired of saying it.

Anywho, he's my rock.

He's as close to perfect as it gets.

And he has been the greatest blessing in my life.

Especially this past week.

The thing I love most about my Thomas?
How protective he is over me.

The fact that I know he would move mountains for me.

He loves me with such a deep, fiery passion, and he makes sure I know it every day.

Anywho, this past week he's been even more amazing than I ever could have asked.

He dropped everything and left school two hours early when I went to the ER last week...and that was when he thought I was being an over-reactive, paranoid, first-time pregnancy mother.

That night, after we got home, we had the true test of just how much Thomas loves me:

he let me pick "Elf" for us to watch in bed that night.

Elf.

November 7.

My husband hates Christmas being celebrated a minute before December 1st. 

But we got to watch Elf. :)

He's pampered me head to toe this past week.

Held me while I cried.

Skipped classes.

Too off work.

His first day back at school, he'd been gone maybe 45 min before I called him bawling, and in 2 minutes he was on his way back home to me.

When he got home, he brought me ice cream (the second pint in three days...I was eating a lot of ice cream these past several days...), and two different kinds of chocolates:

1) my favorite (which are also one of his favorites)

and 2) Ones I love and he hates, to prove the treats are just for me. 

This week, he's come home early every day from school, so I don't have to spend too much time at home by myself.

Although, I'm beginning to think it might have more to do with the fact that he knows if he comes home early, we'll have time for a couple episodes of "How I Met Your Mother" before I fall asleep...

Anywho, I just want the world to know:
My husband is amazing.

And I love him endlessly.

I'm having trouble accepting everything.

And I'm struggling to keep my anger at bay.

Because here's the problem:

I just don't get it.

Thomas and I were actively trying to NOT get pregnant.

We were using contraceptives.

We knew we weren't going to be ready to start a family until Thomas was out of school, and he had a full-time job.

Then, one random day, we end up pregnant.

I am a firm believer that God plays a hand in virtually everything in our lives. Everything happens for a reason, because of our Heavenly Father.

I saw it as a blessing. A miracle, almost.

God clearly wanted us to have a baby.

This baby.

He clearly had plans different than what we had planned.

It scared me, but I knew that if we trusted in the Lord, He would provide a way.

Then, one day, He takes our baby away.

What? Did He change His mind??

Why have us get pregnant, when we were doing everything to not get pregnant, and when You didn't want us to have the baby anyway?

Why cause this pain?
What's the purpose???

I can't figure it out.

I don't get it.

And what frustrates me more, is watching others get pregnant.

Come on. He gives Snooki a baby, but takes mine??

Snooki can have a baby, be a mom, but I can't??

You and I both know I will be ten times the mom Snooki will.

Okay, I know that's judgmental.

And a stupid thing for me to think.

But the state I'm in, I don't think rationally anyway.

Any time I see mothers, pregnant or with their child already, I think "Why do they get theirs' but I don't get mine?"

I'm just struggling with the "whys".

I know I shouldn't, of course, but what can you do?

Trying to focus on the future and keep moving forward is easier said than done...especially when thinking about the future makes you think of what could have been..

Our Newest Obsession

Remember when Thomas was going through the phase where he wanted to watch Grey's Anatomy all the time? When I got him hooked from season one?
Well, now he has a new obsession.
And I have it with him.

"How I Met Your Mother."

One word: Why?
WHY has it taken so long for this show to come into our lives??

Apparently it's been around for years!
It's just that recently everybody's been talking about it, sort of all of a sudden it seems.

So, we've started watching.

And our hooked!

It started the first day we spent home after the ER.

Laying in bed in pajamas all day, we needed something to do.

So. Naturally, we peruse Netflix in the hopes of finding something to watch and kill the day with!

And we come across "How I Met Your Mother."

And decided to watch.

And now we can't stop.

What a freakin' funny show.

Marshall? Hands down the best one on the show.

I gotta say, it actually gives "FRIENDS" a run for it's money...

We're only on season two, 

and already trying to figure things out.

Now, it's only Robin, and one other chick in the show who could possibly be the mother.

Now, you know it's not Robin, because she keeps getting referred to as "your aunt Robin", but then when the heck are they going to break up? And how?

Anywho,

it's a great show.

Gonna watch some more tonight when Thomas returns home from class.

Oh.

And speaking of that wonderful man,

he got a new job!

He's going to be a server at Old Chicago in Plymouth! 

We are very excited!

Hopefully, this means more hours and bigger bills (meaning bigger tips!)!

It's just down the road from work - which, Thomas pointed out to me today, means I can come visit him every day on my hour-long break. 

Well, I don't know about every day, but I'm sure I'll be driving down there a lot.

The apartment we checked out on Saturday were really nice.
Beautiful, actually.

A two bedroom-er at $920/mo.

Thomas is still thinking we should get a two bedroom.

He says we could make the second bedroom an office or something.

It's not a bad idea.

I just still don't really know how I feel about it...

But anyway, this place, really nice.

And privately owned, so they do a lot of communal activities and events.

But we didn't see a single soul in the buildings, aside from the people in the party room for a baby shower...

So we've got another apartment tour set-up for Saturday.

But here's the pickle:

This one-bedroom apartment is $809/mo.

To have a washer & dryer in our room, so we don't have to use the communal laundry room, increases our rent to $860/mo.

Is the convenience worth the price??

I think so.

Definitely.

Thomas on the hand??....Wellll he needs some convincing. 

He doesn't think it's worth it.

I'll need to work on him a bit more...

Apartment Hunting

I just got an email confirming the delivery of the dress I ordered last week.

It will be here in 2-3 days.

It's a long white flowy lacy dress.

One that I was going to wear for our temple sealing in December.

You know, the special ceremony where Thomas & I become husband and wife for eternity, not just "till death parts us."

Originally I was going to wear my wedding dress from our actual wedding.

But then I found out I was pregnant.

And I was going to be 16 weeks, and no longer fitting into that dress by the time our temple sealing arrived on December 22.

I needed a dress to flow over my growing belly.

I don't need that dress anymore.

I can wear my original wedding dress.

I'll have to send it right back when it arrives.

Just like I should return the maternity clothes I already bought.

And the baby shoes.

But I can't.

We were going to do that yesterday.

But I couldn't do it.

Thomas said I shouldn't anyway.

He's been so amazing...

I'm not having a proper miscarriage.

It makes me scared.

I went to the doctor's on Thursday morning, to follow up after the ER.

I should be bleeding tons.

(sorry if that grosses you out...)

And doubled over in pain.

I'm still barely bleeding, and barely experiencing pain.

They gave me pills to sort of induce the pregnancy out of me.

It hasn't worked yet, and it should have.

I'll have to try another dose again tonight.

If it still doesn't work, I'll have to have an operation.

They'll physically go in and take everything out.

It sounds scary and painful.

I just want this over with.

I wish everything would leave me so I could get it over with and move on.

Every time I use the bathroom, it's a slap in the face, and I cry.

Course, I cry from the smallest triggers.

We're still looking at apartments.
We want to keep moving forward with plans.
Had our first tour today.
We gave up on houses for now - we never ended up hearing back from our mortgage guy, and we figured that was a sign to not try a house yet.
So we decided to rent.
We'll get a house after Thomas graduates and he's got a full time job too, and we have more of an idea of where he'll end up working and where to move to.
The place we looked at today was really nice.
Beautiful apartment.
But it was a two bedroom.
We made the appointment before everything happened.
I think we're going to move down to one bedroom apartments.
It'll just make me sad to have an empty room right now.
Besides, since the baby was a surprise, we've decided to go back to our original plan of not trying until Thomas is graduated and has a job too.
So we'll probably start trying this summer.
Maybe.

We're going to go on a date tonight.
Get dressed up and go out.
We've been locking ourselves in our house (or my parents) in the fear of going out and the medicine finally kicking in, and I'm stuck somewhere in public doubled over in pain.
So we're going to go out for a little pick-me-up before I try a second dose of medicine. 
It should be fun.
We're going to try the new Brazilian steakhouse in Maple Grove: Rodizio....or something like that...
I've heard wonderful things about it.

Anywho, life is moving.
Kinda in a blur, kinda in a standstill at the same time.
On the plus side though, I started working on a list of all the blessings I have in my life, to kind of help cheer me up and make me see how wonderful life is.
My list is at 73, and that's just from ten minutes this morning.
I'll add to it as things pop into my mind.
But 73!
That's a lot.
So. Life is still beautiful.
Hard sometimes.
But beautiful.

It's Only Goodbye for Now

It's 1:30 am.

I can't sleep.

Or stop crying.

We lost our little baby.

Our little Isabelle...or Benjamin.

I think she was an Isabelle.

Whenever I thought of her, or dreamed of her, it was always a girl. Always. And I've always been scared to have a girl, always wanted boys more. So these strong feelings of a girl? Well, I think she was a girl.

We already had the names picked out.

Isabelle Rose or Benjamin Thomas. 

I was already stocking up on clearanced-out maternity clothes.

And cocoa butter to prevent stretch marks.

And my Bebands.

My momma was always going nuts on buying things.

We had little shoes.

A book called, "I Love You More" to read to her.

My mom got me this adorable picture frame that said:

"Before you were conceived, I wanted you.

Before you were born, I loved you.

Before you were here an hour, I would give my life for you."

It's crazy how much I have fallen in love with my baby before she was even here. We never got to hear her heartbeat. At nine weeks, she would have been about one inch long, the size of an olive. She was already moving her little stubs of arms and legs.

It started yesterday.

The spotting.

I convinced myself it was nothing.

Some women spot during pregnancy - totally normal.

My mother did it.

And it wasn't the bright scary red they tell you about.

I shook it off.

I was scheduled to have my 10 week appointment next week, so I'd mention it to my doctor then, but wasn't going to stress about it.

But it got progressively worse.

And the cramps started coming.

Very subtle, but there.

And tonight, it became that bright scary red.

I have never been so incredibly grateful to be living with my in-laws.

Thomas has night class, so I would have been home alone.

In tears, I went upstairs, told my mum-in-law what was happening, and off we were to the emergency room.

I sent a text to Thomas and my parents, and got checked in.

Lots of tests.

Blood. Urine. Pelvic. Ultrasound.

My mom arrived while I was off at my ultrasound.

At first I liked the ultrasound.

I could see the baby. Plain as day.

There was the big black circle of fluid, and then there she was.

My little gray peanut.

I watched as the nurse measured her. 

I felt good. Happy to see her for the first time.

I almost forgot why I was there in the first place.

While we waited in the room for the results of everything, me and my two moms, Thomas arrived. We waited for what seemed like an hour...though it was only about 20 minutes.

When the doctor came in, she just blurted it out:

"I have bad news."
She hadn't even shut the door behind her yet...

There's no words, absolutely NO words to describe it.

I lost it. It was the ugly, uncontrollable crying.

And of course, the first thought: "Why? This isn't fair."

I am such a firm believer in everything happens for a reason.

Heavenly Father has a plan for each of us.

And I'm trying so hard to not be angry.

To not try and figure out that plan, because I just don't see it right now.

I spent so much of time daydreaming about her.

The nine months of growing her in my belly, watching it get big and smooth.

Holding her for the first time in the hospital.

Nursing her.

Covering her in kisses.

She was already so real to me.

I'm trying to stay positive.

I keep reading different scriptures. 

Keep telling myself it's not my fault.

Keep trying to see that silver lining...even though it's pretty faded right now...

It helps knowing I'll see her again.

Some day, I will be with my sweet little peanut again.
Some day.