I had pictured and daydreamed about the moment Benjamin would come into this world forever:
Benjamin entering the world, the nurses putting him on my chest right away, skin to skin, with Thomas by our side, kissing my forehead, and all of us together - one little brand new happy family.
That's not how it went at all...
Benjamin entering the world, the nurses putting him on my chest right away, skin to skin, with Thomas by our side, kissing my forehead, and all of us together - one little brand new happy family.
That's not how it went at all...
Benjamin came into this world so fast...too fast.
His heart rate was in trouble and his lungs weren't working.
He wasn't crying.
When I finally heard that beautiful cry telling me he was alive, it was a quick wail, then silence.
I knew something was wrong.
I didn't get to experience my fantasy, my daydream.
Benjamin did not come to my chest.
We did not get to do skin to skin.
We did not get to sit together as a happy new family, Thomas covering us with kisses, tears of joy flowing freely.
They took him away from me right away.
I didn't get to hold him.
I barely even saw his face.
They had him in my room a few minutes as they checked him over.
Then they broke the news:
He wasn't breathing well, and they needed to take him to the NICU.
My heart sank.
With tears streaming down my face, they brought him to my bedside for a moment, and I got to touch his hand and tell him "I love you" before they whisked him away.
Thomas comforted me for a while, then went to the NICU to be with Benjamin.
He came back soon after with an update:
Benjamin was needing help keeping his lungs open to breath.
The nurses were going to hook him up to a machine and watch him for an hour.
If he didn't improve in an hour, he would need to be admitted as a NICU patient.
Thomas kept going back and forth between the NICU and my delivery room - the doctor was still working on me and I wasn't able to leave yet.
Our parents arrived in a matter of minutes.
Another update:
Benjamin needed to stay in the NICU.
But there wasn't room in the Maple Grove NICU - he needed to be transported to North Memorial in Robbinsdale.
The worst part: They didn't have room for me at Robbinsdale - I would need to stay in Maple Grove.
I was a hot mess.
Are you kidding me!?!
You're telling me my brand new baby boy is struggling to breath, and you're going to take him away from me?!?!
I was livid - and scared, and worried, and anxious, and feeling like the most helpless person on the planet.
FINALLY, I was able to go to the NICU to really see my son for the first time.
Oh goodness, what a sight.
You hear about the NICU, you even see pictures of babies in the NICU, but nothing prepares you for when it's your own little peanut hooked up to all sorts of machines...
You never think it's going to be you sitting next to those little plastic beds.
I sat with Benjamin as the nurses worked around us, and we waited for the transportation to arrive to take my baby away.
They came, and I lost it.
I bawled as I signed the forms releasing my only hours-old little boy to be transported to a different hospital than me.
Thomas was going to be going with Benjamin, I would have my parents.
All I kept thinking was, "This is not how it's supposed to go."
All I wanted was to hold my sweetie pie and let him know everything was going to be okay.
Just as they were starting to load him into the carrier, my nurse hurried into the NICU exclaiming: "We have a room for you!! You can go too!!"
If possible, I started crying even harder.
I was going to get to be with my son!!
Benjamin was born at 6:45am.
He was transported shortly after 9am.
I couldn't leave at the same time as him: after the craziness of the morning, my pulse and blood pressure were all over the place, I was feeling nauseous and dizzy, so I had to stay and get my vitals steady and eat a meal...but there was a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel....
I didn't get to hold him.
I barely even saw his face.
They had him in my room a few minutes as they checked him over.
Then they broke the news:
He wasn't breathing well, and they needed to take him to the NICU.
My heart sank.
With tears streaming down my face, they brought him to my bedside for a moment, and I got to touch his hand and tell him "I love you" before they whisked him away.
Thomas comforted me for a while, then went to the NICU to be with Benjamin.
He came back soon after with an update:
Benjamin was needing help keeping his lungs open to breath.
The nurses were going to hook him up to a machine and watch him for an hour.
If he didn't improve in an hour, he would need to be admitted as a NICU patient.
Thomas kept going back and forth between the NICU and my delivery room - the doctor was still working on me and I wasn't able to leave yet.
Our parents arrived in a matter of minutes.
Another update:
Benjamin needed to stay in the NICU.
But there wasn't room in the Maple Grove NICU - he needed to be transported to North Memorial in Robbinsdale.
The worst part: They didn't have room for me at Robbinsdale - I would need to stay in Maple Grove.
I was a hot mess.
Are you kidding me!?!
You're telling me my brand new baby boy is struggling to breath, and you're going to take him away from me?!?!
I was livid - and scared, and worried, and anxious, and feeling like the most helpless person on the planet.
FINALLY, I was able to go to the NICU to really see my son for the first time.
Oh goodness, what a sight.
You hear about the NICU, you even see pictures of babies in the NICU, but nothing prepares you for when it's your own little peanut hooked up to all sorts of machines...
I sat with Benjamin as the nurses worked around us, and we waited for the transportation to arrive to take my baby away.
They came, and I lost it.
I bawled as I signed the forms releasing my only hours-old little boy to be transported to a different hospital than me.
Thomas was going to be going with Benjamin, I would have my parents.
All I kept thinking was, "This is not how it's supposed to go."
All I wanted was to hold my sweetie pie and let him know everything was going to be okay.
Just as they were starting to load him into the carrier, my nurse hurried into the NICU exclaiming: "We have a room for you!! You can go too!!"
If possible, I started crying even harder.
I was going to get to be with my son!!
Benjamin was born at 6:45am.
He was transported shortly after 9am.
I couldn't leave at the same time as him: after the craziness of the morning, my pulse and blood pressure were all over the place, I was feeling nauseous and dizzy, so I had to stay and get my vitals steady and eat a meal...but there was a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel....
Katie, after reading your email it brought back our own memories of Sean's birth. Me in Minnesota, Shirley in Bountiful Ut, and Sean ultimately the same day flown by helicopter to Primary Children's hospital. Of course you have seen the result of our experience. I know this certainly doesn't make it easier, but there is hope in these types of experiences.. We prayed for you and Benjamin (love the name by the way) and we have faith all will be well.. Bob and Shirley Brown
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