You know those days where you're just like super pissy and you don't know why? Where you just wanna lock yourself in your room so that nobody bothers you, or so that you don't have to pretend to be happy when you're not? I hate those days. Today has been one of those days.
I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to do anything. I just wanna be left alone to wallow in my own self pity. To be angry and annoyed and frustrated and hurt and upset and sad all at once and have nobody judge me. I want to sit my pajamas all day with a pint of ice cream cuddled under my covers watching Grey's Anatomy. I don't want to deal with professors, with residents, with staff members, with homework, with friends, with family, with anything. I wanna shut the world out and just be left alone.
I get kinda sick of always being seen as the peppy one, or the bright and shiney one, or the one that "shits rainbows." Sure, I do want to be remembered as the girl that was always smiley, but sometimes I feel like I am soo much that person, that it's not acceptable for me to be otherwise. So the days I feel like shit for no reason, I just bottle it up and pretend everything's okay. And I am fine with that, most of the time. I don't want people to see me crying or angry or pissy or whatever. I want to be happy all the time and live life to the fullest. I don't want to live life pissed off at nothing. Only problem is, it would be great if I had at least one person I could let my gaurd down...other than Tom of course, because he's not exactly an option for me to run to anymore when I feel this way.
Sure, I have certain people where I feel like I could go to them to fall apart, but I don't know, I just don't like people seeing me this way. I don't want to be seen this way. I don't mind writing about it cuz, well, it's writing. You read it, you don't see it. But for some reason, I just can't allow myself to fall apart infront of people, even the people I trust most. It's a rather annoying trait of mine.
Anywho, I don't really have anything to write about...only stuff to complain about. I figured since I don't have Thomas to run to and have cheer me up, I would just write and let it all out on here instead. So if you wasted your time reading this rather bitter post, I apologize. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.
Just a daily (or weekly, or monthly, or however often I actually write...) posting about life. =]
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Monday, March 15, 2010
*sigh*
I want to tell you I love you. I want to whisper it in your ear, watch your eyes close and that grin spread across your face as I say it, and then get a great big kiss in return, followed by "I love you more."
I crave to have your arms wrapped around me again, to be wrapped in your tight embrace. I crave to fall asleep in your arms. I crave for those moments where you think I am sleeping, and you softly brush the hair out of my face, kiss my forehead and whisper you love me.
I long to laugh with you. To screw around together, wrestle together, play together. To make each other laugh so hard our stomachs hurt and we can't breathe. I long to laugh with you, the big, huge, belly-laugh; the obnoxiously loud laugh that I am not embarassed to laugh around you.
I miss you so much it hurts. It physically hurts. I get butterflies, the bad kind, thinking about you. My heart aches for you. It's like there's a hole inside my chest. I wish I could just fastforward till July 2011. I miss everything about you. I love you.
I crave to have your arms wrapped around me again, to be wrapped in your tight embrace. I crave to fall asleep in your arms. I crave for those moments where you think I am sleeping, and you softly brush the hair out of my face, kiss my forehead and whisper you love me.
I would give anything to hear your voice again. To hear you laugh, hear you sing silly made-up songs to me, hear you call me pet names. I miss your voice.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Fears
We all have fears. Some of us are afraid of ghosts or clowns. Others are afraid of heights or small spaces. Some are afraid of spiders or cockroaches. And those are all legitamite fears, but I've learned something about fear. You can be afraid of anything, with the exception of three things. We must never ever be afraid to fall, live, or love.
We can't be afraid to fall. If you're afraid to fall, you never take that leap. And life can be so much fuller when we learn to take that leap of faith. And we'll learn that it's okay if that leap of faith sometimes ends in a crashlanding instead of soaring through the stars. It's okay if we have to crash. It's okay to fall. Cuz when we fall, we can just pick ourselves back up and try again. Or perhaps try something new. But we just gotta keep trying. We must never be discouraged from following our hearts or reaching for the stars.
We cannot be afraid of living our life. We're slapped in the face all too often with the reminder that life is short. So we can't hold back in living it to the absolute fullest. Part of living is learning to fall. Once we have learned it's okay to fall, we can do anything. Live life on the crazy side. Do something every day that scares you. Do something new every day. Do something good for someone every day. Live for others every day, instead of yourself. Just live life. Take in the world around you - the blueness of the sky, the smell of the rain. Walk barefoot through the grass and the mud. Take time to live in the simple pleasures of life.
Lastly, we must never ever be afraid to love, because love is the purpose of life. We must be able to open our hearts to others, even we are afraid that those people we let into our hearts are going to hurt us. It's okay to think that, because truth is, a lot of those people probably will hurt us. But when they do, we can't focus on the hurt, we have to remember the love we shared with them. And I'm not talking about just romantic love. I'm talking love for your parents, siblings, friends, neighbors, everyone. When we love others, others love us, and when we feel loved, we are happy. We have a fulfilled life. So we must never ever hold back on love, because then we are just holding back on life.
Live without regrets. Live without worries. Live without fear. Live with all your heart.
We can't be afraid to fall. If you're afraid to fall, you never take that leap. And life can be so much fuller when we learn to take that leap of faith. And we'll learn that it's okay if that leap of faith sometimes ends in a crashlanding instead of soaring through the stars. It's okay if we have to crash. It's okay to fall. Cuz when we fall, we can just pick ourselves back up and try again. Or perhaps try something new. But we just gotta keep trying. We must never be discouraged from following our hearts or reaching for the stars.
We cannot be afraid of living our life. We're slapped in the face all too often with the reminder that life is short. So we can't hold back in living it to the absolute fullest. Part of living is learning to fall. Once we have learned it's okay to fall, we can do anything. Live life on the crazy side. Do something every day that scares you. Do something new every day. Do something good for someone every day. Live for others every day, instead of yourself. Just live life. Take in the world around you - the blueness of the sky, the smell of the rain. Walk barefoot through the grass and the mud. Take time to live in the simple pleasures of life.
Lastly, we must never ever be afraid to love, because love is the purpose of life. We must be able to open our hearts to others, even we are afraid that those people we let into our hearts are going to hurt us. It's okay to think that, because truth is, a lot of those people probably will hurt us. But when they do, we can't focus on the hurt, we have to remember the love we shared with them. And I'm not talking about just romantic love. I'm talking love for your parents, siblings, friends, neighbors, everyone. When we love others, others love us, and when we feel loved, we are happy. We have a fulfilled life. So we must never ever hold back on love, because then we are just holding back on life.
Live without regrets. Live without worries. Live without fear. Live with all your heart.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
A Breath of Fresh Air
I am taking a course this semester in deviant behavior. I love the class. Well, maybe not the class so much (it's a three hour night class...blah), but I am loving the content we are learning about. I think it's fascinating to study deviant behavior: why criminals do what they do and what not. It's so interesting to me!
Anywho! Today we talked about smoking and how smoking is quickly becoming recognized in society as a deviant behavior. It is no longer the norm to smoke, and now there are negative connotations to cigarettes and those who smoke them. Lately, many states have been discussing banning smoking in public places such as restaurants and bars. I am from Minnesota, and the whole state of Minnesota has been smoke-free for quite a while now, so I wasn't really interested in the debate at all. I found it to be very one-sided and a waste of my time. But, amid all the students clamoring for the ban of smoking in public places, was a student who is a smoker and was against the smoking ban. The argument she gave floored me.
We were discussing how the ban could induce smokers to quit, since they would have to always be going outside to smoke, and who wants to go outside for a smoke when it's pouring rain, ridiculously windy, or 30 belowplus windchill? A girl made the argument that people might just quit all-together because it wouldn't be worth it...then the smoker gave her opinion...and I about died laughing.
She claimed that the ban would not affect her smoking, no matter the weather. She claimed it might even entice her to smoke more...because in her opinion, there is nothing better than going outside for a smoke and getting a breath of fresh air while you're out there....ARE YOU FREAKIN' KIDDING ME?! BAH-hahahahaha....you are going outside to SMOKE. That is like the farthest thing from fresh air!! But then she continues with her argument and talks about how not only is it nice to smoke outside so you can get some fresh air, but it's much nicer to smoke oustide anyway, because otherwise the smoke stings your eyes and dries them out, and your room gets all smelly and stinky....um, yeah, great habit ya got there. Sounds like fun. Burn your eyes and stink up your room and clothes, all while throwing thousands of dollars away on slowly killing yourself. Woot.
Anywho! Today we talked about smoking and how smoking is quickly becoming recognized in society as a deviant behavior. It is no longer the norm to smoke, and now there are negative connotations to cigarettes and those who smoke them. Lately, many states have been discussing banning smoking in public places such as restaurants and bars. I am from Minnesota, and the whole state of Minnesota has been smoke-free for quite a while now, so I wasn't really interested in the debate at all. I found it to be very one-sided and a waste of my time. But, amid all the students clamoring for the ban of smoking in public places, was a student who is a smoker and was against the smoking ban. The argument she gave floored me.
We were discussing how the ban could induce smokers to quit, since they would have to always be going outside to smoke, and who wants to go outside for a smoke when it's pouring rain, ridiculously windy, or 30 belowplus windchill? A girl made the argument that people might just quit all-together because it wouldn't be worth it...then the smoker gave her opinion...and I about died laughing.
She claimed that the ban would not affect her smoking, no matter the weather. She claimed it might even entice her to smoke more...because in her opinion, there is nothing better than going outside for a smoke and getting a breath of fresh air while you're out there....ARE YOU FREAKIN' KIDDING ME?! BAH-hahahahaha....you are going outside to SMOKE. That is like the farthest thing from fresh air!! But then she continues with her argument and talks about how not only is it nice to smoke outside so you can get some fresh air, but it's much nicer to smoke oustide anyway, because otherwise the smoke stings your eyes and dries them out, and your room gets all smelly and stinky....um, yeah, great habit ya got there. Sounds like fun. Burn your eyes and stink up your room and clothes, all while throwing thousands of dollars away on slowly killing yourself. Woot.
Friday, March 5, 2010
What Hurts the Most
I have realized waiting for my missionary is a lot different than I had anticipated it to be. I thought for sure the hardest times, the time when I miss him most, would be the bad days. They days I can't keep from crying, or hold myself together. I thought it was gonna be those awful long days where I have drama with my friends or my family and I would need him to lean on for support. I thought not having him to run to when things were falling apart was going to be the hardest part. But it's the exact opposite.
It's those moments in life where something big and exciting happens and you wanna share it with your best friend that are the hardest. Like when I have a huge spiritual experience, and I wanna call him and relive the conversation with him. Or when I got the Hall Manager position at my school - after I got off the phone and found out I had been offered the position, without even thinking I dialed his number to tell him the huge news...when it went to a machine right away I broke down. Or like when my sister wrote me and told me she wanted be sisters and start building a relationship - he was the ONE person I wanted to tell. I wanted nothing more than to call him screaming with excitement, and I couldn't. It's those moments that hurt the most.
So yes, I just write him about it. Sure, it's kinda the same thing...he's at least still hearing the big news, right? And I'll eventually get an email or letter back saying how excited he is with me, or how happy is for me. But it's just not the same. I can't hear his excitement. I can't see that huge grin on his face when he hears the news. I can't have him wrap me in a huge hug and spin me around with excitement. Maybe I'm being selfish. Maybe it really isn't that big of deal if I can't verbally tell him about it since I can still write him about it.
I thought it would be the physical things I would miss most - the hand holding, the hugs, the kisses, the naps together. But it's not. It's being able to talk to him. It's being able to share in life's greatest happiest moments together that hurt the most. But it's all worth it in the end. <3
It's those moments in life where something big and exciting happens and you wanna share it with your best friend that are the hardest. Like when I have a huge spiritual experience, and I wanna call him and relive the conversation with him. Or when I got the Hall Manager position at my school - after I got off the phone and found out I had been offered the position, without even thinking I dialed his number to tell him the huge news...when it went to a machine right away I broke down. Or like when my sister wrote me and told me she wanted be sisters and start building a relationship - he was the ONE person I wanted to tell. I wanted nothing more than to call him screaming with excitement, and I couldn't. It's those moments that hurt the most.
So yes, I just write him about it. Sure, it's kinda the same thing...he's at least still hearing the big news, right? And I'll eventually get an email or letter back saying how excited he is with me, or how happy is for me. But it's just not the same. I can't hear his excitement. I can't see that huge grin on his face when he hears the news. I can't have him wrap me in a huge hug and spin me around with excitement. Maybe I'm being selfish. Maybe it really isn't that big of deal if I can't verbally tell him about it since I can still write him about it.
I thought it would be the physical things I would miss most - the hand holding, the hugs, the kisses, the naps together. But it's not. It's being able to talk to him. It's being able to share in life's greatest happiest moments together that hurt the most. But it's all worth it in the end. <3
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Oh, the Butterflies!
We're just about to the 8 month mark. Just about 1/3 of the way there. My Thomas is almost a third of the way done with his mission....and after 8 months it still isn't easy. Sure, maybe it's gotten a little easier through these months, but it's still far from easy. It's weird because missionary girlfriends don't really fit in anywhere. When my friends talk about their boyfriends and recent shananigans and dates and what not, I can't join in with them. But when my single friends talk about the single life and not having a boyfriend, I can't join in with them either. It's like I'm stuck in some parallel universe.
It's funny, because people say that when he comes back, it will be like starting all over. It will be like when we first started dating and it's all cute and romantic and lovey dovey and butterflies. But, the honest truth is, it was still that way when he left, even after over three years. He still gave me butterflies. His ringtone would go off and my heart would drop to my stomach because I knew it was him calling me. I would be getting dolled up to go out on a date, and I would have butterflies as I got ready. If I was going home for the weekend from school, I wouldn't be able to eat all day Friday because I would have such a bad case of butterflies because I'd be so anxious and excited to get home to my man! And we went on dates all the time! I hear girls talk about how they never go out on dates with their boyfriend anymore, and it kinda makes me sad. Tom and I went on dates allll the time. Dinner, movies, mini golf, whatever! We would look for any excuse to get dressed up and go out on the town. One time we went out to Benihana's just because I had bought a new dress and needed somewhere to wear it to! hahaha Even after over three years together, our relationship was totally flirty, romantic, and passionate. We were always doing random acts of love for each other, and showering each other with romance, to the point where it probably made a lot of people gag. hahaha. So when he comes home to me in 16 months, it won't be like starting over, it will be like picking up where we left off.

Sometimes, I think of that moment, when I'll first lay eyes on him again. I picture myself running and jumping into his arms like I used to. Then he'll spin me around, we'll have the biggest longest hug ever, and then top it off with a deep passionate big juicy one! haha. I get butterflies just thinking about it. My eyes start to water just imagining it. It feels like forever away, but I know this time will pass by quickly. I love him with my whole heart, and I can't wait for my missionary to come back home to me!


Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)