What Hurts the Most

I have realized waiting for my missionary is a lot different than I had anticipated it to be. I thought for sure the hardest times, the time when I miss him most, would be the bad days. They days I can't keep from crying, or hold myself together. I thought it was gonna be those awful long days where I have drama with my friends or my family and I would need him to lean on for support. I thought not having him to run to when things were falling apart was going to be the hardest part. But it's the exact opposite.


It's those moments in life where something big and exciting happens and you wanna share it with your best friend that are the hardest. Like when I have a huge spiritual experience, and I wanna call him and relive the conversation with him. Or when I got the Hall Manager position at my school - after I got off the phone and found out I had been offered the position, without even thinking I dialed his number to tell him the huge news...when it went to a machine right away I broke down. Or like when my sister wrote me and told me she wanted be sisters and start building a relationship - he was the ONE person I wanted to tell. I wanted nothing more than to call him screaming with excitement, and I couldn't. It's those moments that hurt the most.

So yes, I just write him about it. Sure, it's kinda the same thing...he's at least still hearing the big news, right? And I'll eventually get an email or letter back saying how excited he is with me, or how happy is for me. But it's just not the same. I can't hear his excitement. I can't see that huge grin on his face when he hears the news. I can't have him wrap me in a huge hug and spin me around with excitement. Maybe I'm being selfish. Maybe it really isn't that big of deal if I can't verbally tell him about it since I can still write him about it.

I thought it would be the physical things I would miss most - the hand holding, the hugs, the kisses, the naps together. But it's not. It's being able to talk to him. It's being able to share in life's greatest happiest moments together that hurt the most. But it's all worth it in the end. <3