The name is Katie Jo. I'm 5'2". I weigh, on the average day, 97 pounds. I hate my body.
Okay, hate is a strong word. I dislike it very much. And I feel like because I am skinny, I am not allowed to dislike my body. According to the rest of the world, I should be in love with my tiny waist and twig-like arms. But nope. I am not.
I am trying to gain weight. Heck, I've been trying to gain weight for years. I would like to be 110 pounds. In other words, I would like to be able to donate blood. I can't at the moment because I don't meet the weight requirements. How ridiculously embarrassing is that? Very.
I am a size zero. That, to me, is disgusting. I am a freakin' zero. A number we use to desrcibe something that does not exist. I am non-existant. I hate that. Hate it. But according to other people, it's wonderful. I don't think so. I hate shopping for clothes because nothing is in my size. Nothing fits my waist...I don't even have a stinkin' waist. That's probably why I am obsessed with shoes. They always fit.
I hate eating with people. I feel like they're judging me, watching to make sure I actually eat. I have been asked before if I am anorexic. Several times. And they were seriously asking. I find that disgusting. I hate it. Anyone who knows me well enough knows I can eat like a horse...as long as the food is good. When Tom and I go out to eat, half the time I eat more than him. I guess I just have a high metabolism...and I wish I didn't. I eat the junkiest, most unhealthy foods. I drown myself in calories and carbs. No difference.
I work out, I run. Not because I wanna lose weight, but I wanna gain it. Muscle weighs more than fat, right? So I try to build muscle. Still no help.
I hate when people say things like, "Oh my gosh you're so skinny" even if they mean it as a compliment. I hate it. I hate being so skinny. I hate people making comments about my size. Talk about how short I am all you want, don't talk about my weight.
I look in the mirror and I don't feel attractive. When I wear skirts and dresses, and I stand in front of my mirror to see how my shoes match, I hate looking at my legs, my twigs.
I feel like I am not allowed to be unhappy with my body because girls tell me they're jealous. I feel like if I talk about being unhappy with my size, people will judge me. I'm afraid they'll think I'm just doing it for attention, or fishing for compliments.
Whatever, I guess. For now, I'll just keep workin' at fixing myself.
Hi Katie,
ReplyDeleteWhile we can't exactly relate, we can perhaps offer some suggestions if you'd like.
How much protein do you normally eat? Pack your diet with protein, even protein shakes.
When you lift weights, lift heavy and go light on the reps. It's going to be hard. By forcing your body to move more weight and only being able to do it a few times, you "tear" more muscle and your body can then build it back. This means you'll be sore, really sore.
Make sure your carb intake exceeds the amount you burn each day.
You can do it, we're all behind you. Please let us know if there is anything we can do to help you pack on those 13 lbs :)