What to Wear?!

Alright, so here's the deal:
Tom comes home in [SEVEN] days.
Eight nights.
Wednesday June 8.
His flight arrives at 1:30 and I will get to see him at 7 that night.
Eeeek!!
Now, I'm struggling with what to look like that night.
I want to look cute and casual, but at the same time I need to look amazing.
He hasn't seen me in over 700 days - he's gotta be like, "wow."
But I don't want to overdo it, ya know?
So below are some outfits I've devised as options for that day.
So! I need votes!
There's a poll at the end of this post that I'd LOVE for people to answer, or you can either comment your vote, facebook, email, text, call, whatever.
I need opinions from both girls and guys.
Girls, I wanna know how you think you would wanna look.
Guys, I wanna know what you would want your girl to look like if you haven't seen her for 700 days.
Remember, cute, casual, but something that says, "ow ow!" Hahaha
Okay, got it? Okay.
Here are the choices!
[Ignore the fact that I haven't done my hair and have no makeup on, please and thank yous!]

Outfit One:

Okay, so first option is skinny jeans, boots, and a dressy top.
I like this outfit because it's classy and cute,

but I'm afraid may be too dressy.

Outfit Two:

Option two is shorts, sandals, and a summery top.
This is much more casual...too casual?

It's kinda got a beachy feel to it, which I love.

Outfit Three

The most casual - classic jeans and a t-shirt...with, of course,

the tulip shoes he made for me!

So please cast your votes!! If you have other opions or ideas, shoot them my way!!

It's Officially Freak Out Time!

I think it's safe to say I am officially freaking out.

Yup.

Officially.

Hooooly freakin' tacos.

One week.

Okay, a week and like a day.

But still.

One week.

 

 

I am bursting at the seams with excitement.

I'm also bursting at the seems with anxiety.

There are SOO many thoughts running through my head.

You have no idea.

Unless you're an MG.

Then you  know... ;)

 

 

It's like peanut butter and jelly.

Fire and ice.

Oh wait, it can't be both.

Peanut butter and jelly go together...

...fire and ice are opposites.

So I guess it's fire and ice.

These thoughts in my head.

They are fire and ice.

 

 

95% of the time I'm excited.

I cannot {wait} to be with him again.

There are no words to even begin expressing my excitement.

I have a constant case of butterflies.

Literally. Constant.

But that might be because of the anxiety too.

I am super anxious.

It is so incredibly scary.

There are a million plus one "what if's" that run through your head.

 

 

What if things are different between us?
What if we don't fit together anymore?
What if we've both changed too much?

It's really really scary.
I have this man.
This amazingly wonderful perfect-for-me man.
What if I lost him through the mission.
I don't think I have.
When we've gotten to talk on the phone, oh my goodness, everything felt perfect.
Still two total goofballs.
Still laughing at everything.
Still so easy to talk to him.
Talking to him everything felt just like when he left.
But it's still really really scary.

But I think for now, the excitement far outweighs the nerves.
I have a feel that day I will be more nerves than excitement.
But it's not that day yet.
I've still got 8 more days.
Eight. More. Days.
That sounds so weird.
I remember complaining about eight months.
Now we're to days.

I'm freaking out.
I am bursting at the seams with a million emotions.
The butterflies in my stomach drive me crazy every day.
But in a good way.
Gah! I cannot {wait} to be with him again.
Soooo close.

Summer Lovin'

I love summer.

Who doesn't love summer?
I'm going to be a teacher.

And in one of my classes, we had a debate on year-round schools.

I can't imagine not having a summer.

Now, I get it's not literally year-round.

It's like, 8 weeks on, 2 weeks off.

Or something to that effect.

But I still think it's dumb.

I feel like summertime is a key part of American culture.

Summertime is the best part of being a kid.

Heck, I'm nearing 23 and I still love everything about summer.

Bonfires.

Freshly cut grass.

S'mores.

Lemonade stands.

The 4th of July.

Fireworks.

The smell of the grill.

Burgers, hot dogs, corn on the cob.

Fresh juicy watermelon.

Mosquito bites.

Summer romance.

Starry nights.

Night games.

Cabin time.

Kneeboarding, wakeboarding, skiing, tubing.

Thunderstorms.

Fishing.

Sunburns.

Suntanning.

Boating.

Beach.

Swimming.

Picnics.

Barefoot.

Parades.

Summer jobs.

Baseball - both little league and major.

Ice cream.

Water fights.

Volleyball.

Endless nights.

I love everything about summer.

Yes, even the mosquitos.

I feel like the country is so patriotic during summer.
Maybe that's why I feel it's part of American culture.
When I think of summer, I think of the song "It's America."
If you haven't heard it, enjoy:

Man, I {love} summer.

Choices

I'm a firm believer that life is what you make it.

It is up to ourselves to make life extraodorinary.
We are in charge of our own happiness.
We can choose our life.

We can choose to be swallowed up in pain and dark times.
Or we can choose to shine through the dark times.

We can choose to complain and give up when trials arise.
Or we can choose to grow from hard experiences.

We can choose to cry,
Or we can choose to smile.

We are in control of our life.
So why not make it a memorable one.

Hardships are a part of life.
If you manage to make it through life without any pain, well, then I don't think you're truly living.
Pain is inevitable.
Unavoidable.
So instead of complaining, instead of letting pain and difficulties bring us down and ruin our experiences, why not choose to turn it into something positive?
Why not choose to grow from those experiences?
Why not choose to smile instead of cry?

Life is short.
You never know when it's going to be over - for you or the ones you love.
So I believe that it is crucial to make every moment the
best moment of your life.
So remember...
You can never tell someone you love them too much.
You can never laugh too much.
You can never eat too much chocolate - and you should
always eat dessert first.
A smile really does a go a long way.
A hug goes even farther.

Summer Time = Target Time

Summer time = Target time.

I love working at Target.

I've been there for six years now.

Well, it'll be six years this fall.

It's a great place to work.

But being back at work means it's time for three things:

1. Baby Fever

2. Words of Wisdom

3. Laughter

Baby Fever

Yes, working at Target gives me baby fever. It's probably where my baby fever is the strongest, actually. I {love} it when little babies and toddlers and kiddies come through my line. The little babies, with all the little babie clothes, the big baby eyes, and little baby giggles...gah! And then there's the toddlers. Oh my goodness, I think they pull at my heartstrings the most. The littles one that just talk and talk and talk. They tell me all about the day, or try to share their free cookie with me, or talk all about their new toy they got today. Oh yes, and there's the little ones that blow me kisses....oh my goodness, my heart melts. Seriously. It makes me so excited to be a mom. Half the time when Tom sees me from right after, and he asks me how work was that day, my response is: "I want a baby." *sigh* Eventually... :)

Words of Wisdom

The old people (perhaps it's better to say elderly?) make my day too. The cute little old men that like to flirt crack me up. The little old ladies that like to talk about fashion like they're still teenagers. And the cute little old couples that hold hands and finish each others' sentences. I love the little old people. Aside from them being incredibly cute and making me giggle, they always seem to give me advice about life. They like to pass on their words of wisdom. "Make sure you surround yourself with good people." "Always carry mints in your purse." "It's okay to wear two different colored socks sometimes." "Be a rebel - don't say excuse me after you burp. People need to learn it's a compliment: it means the food was good." "Life is what you make it." "Nobody ever died from laughing too much." Those are all real 'tips' for life I've received from various elderly guests. It always amuses me. :)

Laughter

Working at Target is a hoot. It's the people that make it so much fun - both the guests and fellow employees. The guests are so much fun. The little kids that chat away make me laugh my booty off, and the little old people make me giggle. Then there's the random crazy people. There's the guy who every time I ask him how his day is going, always {always} responds: "I'm sooo great, my happiness can only be expressed in cartwheels." Seriously. He's a regular. And every time that's what he says. There's the middle-aged men who think corney jokes are funny - which they are. The guests put in me in a good mood. They make me laugh and smile. And the people I work with are awesome too! I have great bosses and great coworkers. The Target team is fun and entertaining, and work is always a hoot!

I love working at Target.

Cashiering is something I really enjoy.

Why?
Cuz I'm a people person.

And I get to interract with hundreds of people every day.

It's great.
So every summer when I come home from school, I actually am excited to get back to work.
I love it.

Zero

I'm 5'2".

On a good day, I weigh 103 pounds.

I'm a size zero in jeans.

An extra small in tops.

I hate my body.

I feel like I'm not allowed to talk about hating my body.

Because I'm skinny.

Everybody wants to be skinny.

So I'm supposed to like my body, right?
If I complain about my body, people think I'm just fishing for compliments.

So not true.

I hate when people say things like, "Your SO skinny."

Or they make jokes about my size.

Or they try and touch my waist.

Hate it.

I'm a twig.
I look in the mirror, and I don't feel attractive.

I don't feel sexy.

I hate wearing a swimsuit.

The other day we went to pick up our bridesmaids dresses.

When I ordered mine, and the lady was taking my measurements, she made a dozen comments about how little I am.

We ordered my dress...in the smallest possible size.

So when we went to pick it up, I tried it on...

I was swimming in it.

It's four and half inches too long.

It needs to be taken in a couple inches and the straps made smaller.

*sigh*

I hate my body.

Even though I'm "not allowed" to hate my body.

I'm a size zero.

The number we use to describe things that don't exist.

I can't gain weight for the life of me.

No matter what I eat, or how much.

I don't gain an ounce.

I just want another ten pounds.

That's it.

One of these days, I am going to weigh enough to donate blood.

One of these days...



The "Katie Jo" Shoe

I want these shoes.

Like, really really {REALLY} want this shoe.

This shoe was made for me.

It's got "Katie Jo" written all over it.

No, not just written all over it.

It's literally [screamin] my name.

Oooh man I want these shoes.

'Cause here's the thing, I have this dress.

This is the dress I will be wearing for mine and Tom's first date night.

Which, let me update you, is in 16 days.

Home in 15, date in 16. WOOT!

Anywho, don't worry, I'm short, so it's longer on me than this chick.

So I have this dress, and I love this dress, but I need poppin' shoes with it.

It's just a plain black dress, so I gotta jazz it up.

Now, anyone who knows me knows I am a shoe-aholic.

Understatement of the century.

Seriously, I do love me my shoes.

My collection has grown quite a bit since this picture, but ya get the drift.

I love shoes.

So I already have plenty of shoes to choose from to jazz up my dress.

I could go with my hot pink pumps.

Or my leopard prints.

Or my sexy red high heels.

I have many many choices...

But I'm in love with the obnoxiously loud, multicolored, paint splattered

peep-toes from DSW.

They are {perfect}.

Simply perfect.

They were made for me.

So what's the problem?
They're sixty bucks.

Grrrr...

I usually set a limit for myself.

I limit myself to clearance shoes (or at least shoes on sale).

And I try to cap myself at $30 a pair.

But ugh...they're just so pretty...

...and to make things even more tempting?

Guess what I got in the mail Saturday?

A rewards coupon for DSW.

[Ten bucks off].

So now they're only $50.

Even more tempting...

I try to justify spending that much on shoes:

It's a big special day.

I'll wear them all the time (I truly will).

It's an early birthday present for myself.

Yadda yadda yadda

I've resisited the temptation thus far.

I have until May 30 before my rewards expire.

So if I can fall in love with a different pair before then, than I'll be good.

But if not, then come May 30, I think I'm gonna be the proud mama of a new pair of multicolored paint-splattered pumps...

Sundays and Thunderstorms

I love rainy days.
I love thunderstorm days even more.
There's something soothing to me about the sound and smell of rain, and low rumbling of thunder. I just love it.

It's basically been a nonstop thunderstorm the past twenty-four hours.
I'm in heaven.
I just want to lay around and read all day.
Today's Sunday.
I'm supposed to be going to church.
But car issues are preventing me from going.
It's okay, I spent two hours studying my scriptures today instead.
Almost like that better, actually.
Aside from the fact I don't get the bread and water.
But, as long as we're on the topic of scripture study, I should inform you:
My goal is to read the Book of Mormon, cover-to-cover, before Thomas comes home.
So, I just started over today.
That means I have 16 days to read the whole thing.
Doable, I should think.
Well, I don't have to think, I know it is - I am determined to do this.

Anywho, it's Sunday. A glorious, rainy, thundery (yes, thundery) Sunday.
And so, in the honor of it being Sunday, I will leave you with a great song.
Enjoy the song...and your Sabbath.

Tangled

Remember when I bragged about my investment in Crest Whitestrips?
Yeah, I have a new investment to brag about.

It's probably not as exciting as Crest Whitestrips.

Those things everyone can use.

This thing? Well, it's pretty much only for girls.

And only for girls with long obnoxious hair.

It's this guy:

Little kids' Detangling Spray.

Yup.

Best two dollar investment ever.

My hair is obnoxiously long.

And it's naturally curly.

So that means, when I get outta the shower, it's a snarly tangly mess.

It takes me literally about 5 minutes just to comb through my hair when I'm done showering.

But, not anymore!

With this baby, I'm down to an average 45 seconds.
Yes, I did time myself with a stopwatch.

My phone has one built in.

Score.

But seriously.

Best. Investment. Ever.

Plus, my hair smells like apple afterwards.

Yum.

A Big Fat Full Day

So yesterday was Tuesday.
I hope ya'll know by now what that means.
It has, after all, been 679 days.
Tuesdays = Thomas.
Thomas gets to email on Tuesdays.
Last summer he discovered that even though I don't have internet on my phone, he could send an email to my phone, I receive it as a text, text him back, and he receives it as an email. So what does that mean? On Tuesdays we get to have conversations; like, real conversations. We get to text back and forth. It's pretty much awesome.
So what did we talk about yesterday?
Our first date.
He brought it up. He wanted to plan it out.
So we did!

Take a look at our conversation (Thomas is in bold):
Ok, how about 8am till 12...I don't think I would be awake past that yet. lol
haha okays. So what are we gonna do??
Oh, before I forget you have competition out here...and her name is Katie...
Ummm...excuse me?!...
Haha that's totally not true...but help me decide!
Wait...confusion...not true about the competition?? haha...and I rly wanna take u to the river on campus, through the trails in the woods and stuff.
LoL...she just turned 6 and she was not happy to find out I had a girlfriend. lol. Ok, do you think that is prettier in the morning or the evening?
hahaha ok, I feel better. :P and its seriously gorgeous all the time. Maybe more when the suns setting though. But idk.
ok, so right before or right after dinner
Before...probably. LoL.
Dinner at Texas Roadhouse??
Mmm...sounds perfect!! Can we get dressed up?? Cuz I bought a dress! :)
lol, OF COURSE!! So how about we make lunch together?
hahaha goooood! do u have any of ur cologne with you? And I love the idea of making lunch with together!!
I do not. You have it all...do you have any left?
Yes...but I was hoping I would get a big whiff when I jump in ur arms that first day...and I realize big whiff sounds weird... :P
well if you give it to my mum i can put some on before we meet again
haha okay, hopefully I'll remember to do that. :)
you're so cute. how about the zoo in the afternoon?
Whew, full day! Love it!! You know I'll never turn down the zoo!!
lol. oh and after dinner i need to whoop you in pool. =P or maybe halo...jk
haha im still sucky at halo, better but sucky. And I think u mean IM gonna woop UR booty in pool... :P haha Okay, so River Falls in the morning, lunch, zoo, texas roadhouse, pool. Sounds like the perfect day! :)
How about we end with a movie...if I can stay awake that long. lol
How about end with a movie even if we can't stay awake...I miss falling asleep in your arms. :)
I miss holding you.
I miss everything about you. About us. :)
I. Love. You.

Woot! I've got my first full day with my Thomas planned. I realize we probably shouldn't be talking about it and all. I know, I know, he should be thinking about the mission work still, not dates with his girlfriend, but he brought it up! haha...when I try to argue and say we shouldn't talk about it, he says the trunky feelings have set in and they're not going away in the next three weeks. So I cave.

Besides, even though he says he's trunky, you should read his emails. That man is still so incredibly dedicated to the missionary work. He is such an amazing missionary, such an amazing man, and I am sooo incredibly proud of him! It is amazing to read about how much he loves those he teaches, how much he has grown, and how much he loves doing missionary work.

20 days.
That's it.
Three weeks from today.
Man, I love him.

Goodbye Res Life

Alright, so here it is:

The post I've been waiting to write for quite a while now.

My "goodbye" post...I've sat down to write this about a dozen times, and can never get out what I want.

My work, my life, in Residence Life has officially come to an end.

And I just cannot wrap my head around it.

I've been involved in this life since my freshmen year of college. And now, four years later, as I end my senior year, I also end my life in Residence Life. Ah, so bittersweet. This path I chose, the Res Life path, changed my life. Plain and simple. First, I was a desk assistant, then a resident assistant, then a hall manager. Through these experiences, I have built friendships that will last a lifetime, and I have discovered {so much} about myself.

I'm not gonna sit here and write about all my experiences in res life, because, quite frankly, it would be an incredibly long post and I don't think anyone would find it interesting in the slightest. So, today, I just want to say goodbye to my staff and my residents, my Prucha Ladies.

These amazing women of my staff have changed my life. They have made my last year in Residence Life one the greatest years of my life. I love each and every one of them with my whole heart. It's kinda weird to explain the way I love my girls - it's different than a normal friendship. I think it's because not only do I love them as best friends, but they were my "little ducklings" and I was their "mama duck." I feel very protective and yes, almost motherly, over them. So it's different for me than any other friendship I've had. This love I have for my girls, it's from a different place of my heart than I've ever felt before - and yes, I'm aware of that sounding kinda strange...haha.

Anywho, this year was amazing. It was incredibly hard and challenging, but it was amazing all the same. It started off with move-in day. It was SO hard for me to watch my girls with their residents. For the entire week before move-in day, my staff and I had been together pretty much 24/7. We had bonded so fast and already created a million inside jokes and a dozen quotes for our quote board. But then their girls arrived, and I had to watch my girls leave and go take care of their new residents. It was at that moment that I knew this was going to be a very different year than the past two I had experienced as an RA. I was detached from the staff. I was not one of them, I was the "head honcho," the "mom," the "boss." It was going to be different.

But the year went on, and with each passing day, I loved my girls more and more. And as much as I loved my RA staff, I just as quickly began to fall in love with the residents of the building too. Through our programs and events, and just wandering the building in my free time, I quickly got to know most of the girls and they quickly stole my heart. I will never forget one of our first programs we did: Dorm Life Bingo. The turnout was amazing - the room was overflowing with residents! We created the Bingo sheets ourselves, complete with a word bank relating to college and life in Prucha Hall. In that word bank were the names of all the staff members, including myself. When the girls started telling me that I better be a good luck charm because they were putting my name down, my heart melted. I know, I'm a sap like that. But it's true. I started the year so worried that I wouldn't be able to have a relationship with residents because I was the big, bad, hall manager. But it was only September, and already that was not the case. I was beyond happy. All of the women of Prucha Hall quickly became my "babies." I was one proud, protective, happy mama. Every day was awesome.

Throughout the year, we planned tons of programs and events. Some of our more epic nights? Sadie Hawkins, fo sho, is one of the top three. I, personally, would classify it as the number one program of the year. Again, our attendance was popping! We had a friend DJ the event and the place was hoppin'! It was quite a hoot! Our second most successful and memorable night, in my opinion, was our Fun Fearless Female Red Carpet Event. Our turnout wasn't great - I think the final head count was only 17 girls - BUT! It was amazingly fun! We ended up jamming out to music, dancing all over the place, and it was just a fun fun fun party! Plus, we all got dressed up, and that's always fun in and of itself, right? ;) And our third most epic program was Disco Mania Night at the roller rink. I already spent an entire post bragging about that night, so I won't elaborate much on it now. :) Just know that it was so epic of a night, it made top three in my book. ;)

As the year went on, I was on cloud nine: absolutely loving life, my job, my staff, and my residents. This life was the life, and I thanked God every night in my prayers for the opportunity to be a Hall Manager...until April 7, 2011. I came back to the hall after my weekly meeting with my supervisor to 7 police cars and two ambulances outside my hall. I ran back to the building to find cops everywhere and the entire professional staff in my hall. Kersten Greene was found dead. That day, those first few moments, will forever be burned in my memory. I remember collapsing in Tracy's (my boss) arms. I remember the initial thoughts running through my head, "What could I have done? How am I going to tell my residents? My staff?" I remember Sandi (another boss) standing my hall office with us, calling the counseling services, and saying "We have a staff member who needs immediate help." Within about five minutes, I was getting texts from residents asking what was going on. In about ten minutes I was getting texts from friends off campus asking if a resident in my building really was dead. In about fifteen minutes the entire counseling staff was in my building. From then on, the entire day is a blur. I remember Rob (another boss) bringing us (my staff) McDonald's for lunch at some point. I remember Jennifer (a counselor) in my apartement with me, my staff, and residents all day and other counselors coming in and out. I remember how gorgeous of a day it was outside. I remember hearing students outside laughing and playing sports and being angry at them.

That day, left a huge mark on me. I realized that day how much of myself I invest in my job, my girls. I realized that day I easily I fall in love and love others. I realized that day how incredible of a staff and building I had. I realized that day, that if this had to happen to any hall, Prucha would be the strongest one to handle it. It was beyond amazing to see all the women of the building come together. It was amazing to see residents caring for each other - all the hugs, words of comfort, and even words unsaid. That day was a defining moment of my year, in both negative and positive ways.

When all is said and done, the year, though full of ups and downs, struggles and laughter, was an incredible year. I can't believe it's over. It breaks my heart. But I could not have asked for a better year to end my life in Residence Life. I could not have asked for better women to share it with. So to my Prucha Staff and my Prucha residents, I cannot thank you enough for the wonderful year full of wonderful memories you all have blessed me with. You all have left an incredibly large mark on my heart. You have changed me. Forever.

{I love you}

{208}

At 11:18 PM tonight, I received a lovely phone call.

It was from a (208) area code.

I knew that was Thomas' area code.

My heart fell to my stomach.

I thought Thomas was calling me.

I was sooo excited!

It wasn't Thomas though.

It was almost better...

It was the dad of the family Tom's been staying with Declo, ID!

It was wonderful!

He called to talk to me about Thomas.

He told me how much of a joy Thomas is to have around.

How great of a missionary he is.

It was great to hear someone else rave about my man.

It made me so proud of him.

{Twenty-Four} days.

Today's Events

Today was another wonderful day.

Perfectly, blissfully, wonderful.

First and foremost, it was already 60 degrees when I got outta bed this morning.

Gorgeously sunny all day, and it got up like 92.

So naturally, me and some of my girls went to the beach of the Kinni river and layed out soaking up the sun.

It was lovely and relaxing and lovely. *sigh* Lovely.

Then, it was Tuesday.

Oh how I love my Tuesdays.

Thomas, Thomas, Thomas.

I love my Thomas.

Only 5 more Tuesdays.

5 more emails.

Then I can have a new favorite day of the week.

Woot!

28 days.

Heck, the day's pretty much over.

Let's say 27 days.

Woot!

Then, it was our Manager par-tay.

Oh how bittersweet.

I LOVE this job.

This has been a once in a lifetime experience.

A wonderful experience.

I am going to miss this life.

But it was a fun night all the same.

And now, I'm sitting in my apartment bout to have a late homework night with my girls.

I {love} my staff.

It is going to be sooo incredibly hard to say goodbye.

Tomorrow night we have our end of the year party.

It's going to break my heart.

But it will be an amazing night all the same.

Fun times planned.

But I'm tellin' ya, when it comes time to check these women out of their rooms...get outta my way, I'll be a mess.

Life is good.

So good.

World's Best Phone Call

Today has been a great day!

It was Mother's Day...and you know what that means??

Thomas got to call home!!!

And man, oh man, was it an amazing phone call.

I didn't think I was going to get to talk to him because I wasn't able to go home this weekend. I stayed on campus because it's the last weekend of the semester. But, lo and behold, about 7pm, a number came on phone. The area code was 208...definitely not anyone from around here. My heart fell to my stomach with anticipation and excitement - I knew it had to be Thomas!

Oh it was sooo wonderful to hear his voice again! My hear melted. We talked about the most random things, and laughed lots and lots. And then, I just had an urge - I felt I had to tell him about my phase. I felt very strongly not to wait until he came home, but to advantage of being able to talk to him. So I told him. My voice was shaking, and the tears were flowing, I was so scared of his reaction.

But, let me tell you, I have the world's most amazing boyfriend. He was so wonderful about the whole thing, so understanding. He was upset, yes, but glad that I had figured things out and also glad that I had told him after I had figured things out, instead of during my, well, let's call it experimentation...hahaha.

So, things are great. Things are wonderful. Now he can home and everything can be just wonderful. There won't be a cloud hanging over us. And after talking to him today, I am even far less worried about things being different between us. Man, we laughed SO MUCH. Just talking on the phone, gosh, everything is just the same. We are such dorks together. He is still silly, and crazy, and fun. And at the same time, an incredibly spiritually strong man, which is exactly what I want and need. Talking to him, my heart was on fire. I love him so much, I am so in love with him. I cannot wait until he is home!

And ya know what? It's midnight. That means it's Monday, May 9. It also means it's 29 days until Thomas comes.

Less than one month.

Then it's the rest of {forever}.



Questions Answered

So my past couple posts have elicited quite a few questions and comments from a lot of people. First off, I wanna say thanks to everyone who actually reads this! haha...it's nice knowing what I write isn't just sitting out in the middle of nowhere. So since I've been asked so many questions about the posts, I've decided to answer some of those questions and explain things a bit more for everyone. So here ya go!

1. How can you feel so doubtful about everything one day and so assured the next?

This whole "figuring things out" phase wasn't an overnight thing. Yes, the two posts were only like two days apart or so, but the questions, the doubts, the poor choices - those have been for weeks and weeks. Probably a good two months. It just so happens that after I finally wrote what I was going through, I had an "epiphany" and figured things out.

2. Why did you start drinking in the first place if it was against your religion?

Becoming Mormon has had a huge effect on my life. It was a major life decision and it changed a lot of things in my life. When I started questioning everything after Tom's marriage comment, I wondered what I was giving up. I wondered what my life would be like if I wasn't Mormon. So I started living as if I wasn't Mormon. I started drinking, stopped going to Mormon church and would go to Catholic mass with my family. I felt I needed to experience the other side of life to make sure I was making the right decision in being Mormon because I started having doubts.

3. Are you not drinking anymore because of Tom? So he will marry you?

I've decided I don't want to drink anymore because I don't like the lifestyle. My Mormon life, compared to the life I was living the past couple months, was a million times better. A life with alcohol would mean a life without the Mormon church, and I have decided I don't want that. I can't explain the feeling one gets when in a Mormon church, or at the temple. It is indescribable, and it is something I miss dearly. Without it, my life is emptier. And yes, I chose to stop drinking partly because of Tom too. In addition to wanting and needing the church in my life, I very much want and need Thomas in my life. I don't know if Thomas will still want to be with me after he finds out about "my phase," but I can only hope.

4. Does this mean you're not worried about your relationship with Tom anymore?

I still very much worry about Tom coming home. Even without this "cloud" hanging over our relationship, I would be worried. I worry things are different. But I've realized that there's really no point in worrying because I won't know anything until he comes home. So I can allow myself now to be nothing but excited - which I VERY VERY much am! - because I am hoping against all hope that when my Thomas comes home to me, life will return to bliss.

5.  If you were having doubts about the Mormon faith, what made those doubts disappear?

I don't know how to explain it other than it was like an epiphany - and yes, I'm aware that sounds cheesey. But it's true. I was sitting in bed after my latest night out on the town, thinking over the nights events, and it just hit me. I didn't like this life. I missed my old life. I missed living the Mormon faith. And then I sat there thinking about it, and why I missed it. So why? Because I know the church is true. I love Mormonism. I believe in it with my whole heart. I believe President Thomas Monson is a living prophet of God on the earth today. I believe Joseph Smith was a prophet of God. I believe the Book of Mormon is divine, true holy scripture. I believe families can be sealed together for eternity in the temple. I believe Jesus Christ is my Savior and He loved me so much that He died so I could live forever with my Father in Heaven.

So those are the answers to the questions I've received the most since my latest posts. Now you know even more about me, my mountain I've been climbing, and my "epiphany". If you have anything else you want to know about my latest life experiences and decisions, shoot me an email or message or phone call or text. You know I'm friendly and open and will answer anything you wanna know. :) 

Finally

Tonight was a great night.

I got all dressed up and went out with my peeps.

I got all dolled up.

Hair did.

Super cute [and short] dress on.

I was looking good.

I was looking kinda skanky.

I was showing leg.

Lots of leg.

I got lots of whistles, comments, and touches.

Yes, touches.

I was looking good.

I had fun.

I had a lot of drinks.

And some shots.

Was pretty drunk.

Pretty early on in the night.

It was a fun night.

And through the skanky-ness and the drinking, I figured it out.

I know exactly who I want to be in life.

I know exactly what I want.

And the life I lived tonight?
Definitely not it.

Tonight was an eye-opening night for me.

I realized, as I was laying in bed thinking about the night, that this girl that was out tonight: I have no idea who she is and I never wanna see her again. And so, naturally, I had to blog about my newly discovered self. :)

I don't want random guys whistling at me as I walk past...

...I want Tom whispering how gorgeous I am in my ear.

I don't want random guys telling me how hott I look...

...I want Tom telling me I am beautiful I am.

I don't want some random sweaty guy grinding up on me on the dance floor...

...I want Tom's arms wrapped around me as we curl up on the couch.

I don't want some random guy grabbing at my booty as I walk past him...

...I want Tom holding my hand as we walk under the stars.

And most importantly, I don't want to get drunk on alcohol...

...I want to be drunk on love for my Thomas.

I realized tonight that this crazy girl I've become, this crazy double life I've been living, isn't who I am, and it's not who I want to be. Yes, I am [pardon my French here...] scared shitless for Thomas to come home. I worry every day that he's changed and that our relationship has changed. But I've realized I can't think about that. I can't worry about it. There's absolutely no point in worrying about it. I just have to wait another 31 days until he comes home, and then I get to find out if our relationship has changed, or if it's back to living a fairytale.

Yes, it does still bother me that Thomas said he wouldn't marry me if I wasn't Mormon. But ya know what? I am Mormon, so that shouldn't matter.

And I want to be Mormon. I love the Mormon faith. I love what they believe and I love what they teach. I love that famillies can be together forever. I love that we have a prophet on the Earth today. I love that I am daughter of God. I love Mormonism. It's part of who I am.

These past couple months have very much been a rollercoaster for me, but I think I'm finally figuring everything out. It's crazy how clearly your mind can think at 4am...I don't like this path I've chosen the past several weeks. Yes, it's been fun, but it's not me. At all. I think I've finally found myself again. It's time to make some changes to my life.

Now, the hope is when Thomas comes home, and I tell him about this crazy twisted confusing phase I went through, he's understanding...

Fasten Your Seatbelts

Alright everyone, fasten your seatbelts. Hang on tight. This is going to be an intense post.

I'm gonna lay it all out on the table.

Why have a blog if I'm not gonna be myself, right?

Right.

Judge me. Don't judge me. Think what you want.

I'm kinda tired of keeping everything inside.

So here it goes...

*Deep Breath*

I am going through an incredibly tough, interesting, hard time of my life right now. I am doing some serious soul searching and some intense questioning about my life, about who I am, who I want to be, and the paths I want to choose. I feel like I am very much at a fork in the road. I have been at this place for months now, and now, well now I feel like I'm so lost, so gone, so twisted, I can't get out of this place, wherever it is.

It all started with a letter from Thomas. Months ago, in one of his letters, he wrote how he is so glad I had converted to Mormonism, because ever since his mission, he's realized he wouldn't marry anyone who wasn't a member. Therefore, if I hadn't converted before he left, we would not be together. We would not have a future. We would not be Tom and Katie.

This really hit a spot in me. I know how important it is to marry in the temple. I understand that. But, me not being a Mormon was never ever  an issue before - why now? Before I converted, we were going to get married anyway. We had our whole life planned out. It didn't matter that we weren't the same religion. But now it does? Soo much so, that if I wasn't Mormon, there'd be no chance of him marrying me? What changed?

I started questioning everything. Did Tom's love for me change? Did Tom change? What did that mean about the rest of me? Was the only reason Tom loved me was because I was Mormon? The rest of me was just a bonus? And what if I didn't wanna be Mormon anymore?...

I started realizing how much I had changed for Thomas. Maybe not for Thomas exactly, but because of him. How much of myself was I sacrificing? Sure, the little things were still the same; with Thomas I'm still the giggly, crazy, hyper, dorky, ditzy girl that I've always been. But I've changed a lot...

I no longer swore. I kept my dirty mouth in control. Other relationships in my life got put on the back burner. And, of course, I converted to Mormonism. Quite obviously, the biggest change. It changed relationships with my family and my friends. I became even more of a "goody-two-shoes." Drinking was not an option. I dove head first into the religion...and I loved it. I never thought twice about it.

But now I'm thinking about it. I'm thinking about the religion, and I'm thinking about Thomas. Since Tom's been gone, I have slipped very completely back into my old self. My dirty mind has returned, along with a dirty mouth and a very flirty attitude. I've reconnected with lost friends. I've stopped going to church. At first it was because I hated being there without Thomas, it was the hardest place for me to be without him. Now, I don't go because I'm not sure what I believe anymore...

Things have been so different. Things with my parents are awesome. And I can't help but connect that to the fact Tom is gone. I go to church with them every so often when I'm home. And when I go, I can't help but think how much easier everything would be if I was Catholic again.

I've started drinking. It's totally against Mormon religion to drink. It started one night I went out with some friends. I just wanted to try it, just so I could say I had. You should try everything once, right? So I told a good friend I was with I wanted to try a couple drinks, but not get drunk. So I tried three different things, my friend said I was done for the night, and that was that. Cool. Did it. Done. Except that I wasn't...then it was a friend's birthday. Well, I had to have a birthday shot with them, right? So I did. And a couple other drinks. Well then it was girl's night, and I never ever drink when I go out with the girls, so I decided one time with my girls would be okay too. That night I had a LOT. I thought it was cool I could have so much and not get sick. So the next time I went out with a group people, well, I had some more. And it's just kept going. And I like it, it's fun. Much more fun then sitting and watching everyone else around me have all the fun.

I haven't told Tom. I'm scared to. I'm fairly certain he's going to be uber upset. But the bad part? I don't feel guilty. I feel like I should, since it's against my religion, but I don't. I like it. My cousin is coming up to visit tomorrow for the weekend...we are going out the bars again with a group of people. I plan on drinking. Because I want to. I justify it by telling myself, "I've never drank with Cass, so I gotta!" I tell myself I'll stop when Tom comes home...

...but why? Why stop just because he's home? If I like it, and I wanna keep doing it...why change for him? Because he won't marry me if I keep drinking? Is that a good enough reason not to marry someone? What does that say about the way he feels about me?

I love Tom. I love him with every fiber of my being. He's the love of my life, my other half. But lately, for months, I just can't help but question everything. All because of that stupid little sentence he wrote me. He wouldn't marry me if I wasn't Mormon. It rings in my ears, never leaving my brain.

I want to talk to him about it. I want nothing more than to be able to talk to him, and tell him everything I am feeling. Tell him how scared I am. How confused I am. How much I'm hurting. I want to tell him everything I'm experiencing, but how can you say this all in a letter to the man you love? How can you write your heart on a piece of paper, pour your soul, and wait and wait and wait for him to write you back? And then when he does, what if he's angry? What if he's upset? You don't get to explain yourself. You don't get to try and make him understand how you were feeling, what you were going through. Sure, you can try. You can write him back and ask him to understand and you can write him back and explain everything, but then he's waiting and waiting and waiting. And after you send it, you're waiting and waiting and waiting. And then he comes home, and there's this big fat awkward angry elephant separating the two of you.

Plus, I tell him, and now he's totally distracted. He's not thinking about his mission and the people he's teaching. He's thinking about his girlfriend back home. The girlfriend who's questioning their relationship. The girlfriend who's not following her faith - the faith he wants to marry her for.

No. I can't write him. Not about this. I must hold it all inside, until he comes home. He'll come home, I'll run and jump into his arms and shower him with kisses. We'll ride home holding hands in the car and laughing our heads off. We'll spend hours talking about the last two years. And after a couple days (I can't bring this up to him right away), I'll tell him. And I'll explain every doubt, every fear, every emotion. And hopefully he'll be understanding. Hopefully he'll forgive me...

...and then we'll move on from there. Hopefully he can help pull me out of this hole I've dug myself into. Hopefully he can help me get back on track. Hopefully he can revitalize my spirituality. Hopefully he can be the man I fell in love with, the man he was when he left.

Am I wrong in waiting to tell him all my doubts and fears and questioning...and of course the newly acquired weekend drinking habit? Should I tell him now? When is a good time? Is there ever a good time?

People think Tom and I are the golden couple. Everyone has always talked about us getting married, pretty much from the beginning. And there is absolutely no one on this planet that I could love more than I love Thomas. And he loves me so incredibly much - that boy would give me the world if he could. He's so incredibly good to me. And when I talk about our wedding with people, I get butterflies. I get so excited, and I can't wait till that day. There's nothing I want more in this world than to be sealed to Thomas in the temple and spend eternity with him. He is the most amazing person ever to walk into my life. But like I said, there's this nagging thought: what if he doesn't love me for me? He wouldn't marry me if I wasn't Mormon. What does that say? I don't think I'll know until I can be with him again, and feel his love for me.

Ugghhh...I've been crying so much these days. This weekend was wonderful, perfectly wonderful. I {loved} being with his family again. It had been so long. I {loved} talking wedding talk with his mum. But...it made me feel guilty. Guilty for having these thoughts. Guilty for being scared. Guilty for the choices I've made. Thomas is too good for me. I hate feeling this way. I hate crying so much. I pray and I hope when he comes home, everything can go back to normal, but I worry I'm too far gone for that to happen. And when I think that, I think, why even try fixing myself? Why even try making things better? If I'm so far gone, what's the point?
Ahhh...I'm so torn.
So messed up.
So confused.
So scared.