2010

It's been a while since I've written anything. Life has been so crazy, so overwhelming, so busy...and I've been loving every minute of it. So 2010 is just about over. WOOT! I must say, I was absolutely dreading this year - an entire, full, complete year without my Thomas. Oh, how it was daunting as that year rolled in nearly 365 days ago. But ya know what? It was a pretty ding dang dong great year! So, in honor of the close of 2010 and the welcoming of 2011, I'd like to recap some of the highlights of 2010 (in no particular order).

1) My amazing cousin (who's pretty much my sister and probably one of - if not the - closest friend I have on this planet) set a date for her wedding. Not only that, but we found her wedding dress and our bridesmaid dresses.

2) I got hired as a Hall Manager on campus! This was probably the biggest day of my year. I had wanted this job more than anything, worked my little booty off to get it, and was beyond ecstatic when I got the phone call. Course, then I bawled like a baby when I immediately speed dialed Tom afterwards to tell him the big news, only to remember he is away on his mission, but hey, that's a whole nother story. :P Hands down, an amazing moment in my year.

3) I found out A LOT about who I am. Okay, this is kinda cheesey, but seriously! I think 2010 was probably the most influential year of my life. Because of the people I was surrounded with (new friends entering my life, old friends leaving), I grew SO much, and learned so much about what it means to be a friend and the kind of friend/person I wanted to be in life.

4) I made Dean's List both semesters. Okay, not that big of an accomplishment since I do it every semester, but hey, I'm proud of it. And my second semester, not only did I make Dean's List, but I finished the semester with 3.9 GPA. Pretty dang happy!

4) My Bestie started dating this really awesome guy, and I'm so incredibly happy for her! Definitely a highlight of my year to watch them and their relationship and to hear all the stories from her about him!

5) Tom and I had our 4 year anniversary! Talk about commitment! Holy moly, it's been so long! And 2011 will mark half a decade together!! Craziness! But totally awesome. I could not imagine a better man to spend 4 years (and of course the rest of forever) with!

6) I had my five year anniversary with Target! I can't believe I've been working there that long, but I absolutely love my job and the people I work with. It's been so much fun working there.

There were definitely other highlights - memories that I'll remember forever - but those are the big milestones I suppose I shall leave you with. I hope your 2010 was as wonderful and joy-filled as mine was, and your 2011 brings just as much happiness to your life! Happy New Year.

No Longer a Yo-Yo

I'm not important to you. I thought I was, but I am discovering how very wrong I was.

I am not on the inside, though it use to seem that way. That was just ignorance, perhaps me being naive, to think that. I clearly see now that in fact, I am very much on the outside.

It's a dumb game we play, putting on this facade. Let's just admit it: it's all fake.

Maybe it wasn't fake at one point; maybe it just changed one day (or perhaps through the course of time). Or maybe it was never what it seemed in the first place.

Sometimes it feels like cat and mouse. One day I feel in, the next out. I feel like a yo-yo, constantly swung back and forth, up and down, in and out. When it's convenient for you, I'm in. When it's not, I'm out.

It's this dumb little back and forth thing. You think I don't notice, but I do. I just choose to not let it affect me. I choose to pretend that everything is okay, because life is short, so why stress about it?

But ya know what? I think I'm done pretending. I'm done wasting my time on you. This time I'm the one leaving you. And I am not coming back. I am not your yo-yo anymore.

For the first time in my life, I am not going to be a pushover. For the first time in my life, I am standing up for myself: and man, does it feel good.

Just some Thoughts

I've restarted this post about a dozen times. I can't focus my thoughts. There are a million things on my mind, but I can't figure out how get all the chaotic ramblings going on in my brain into words. There are so many things I want to share, so I'm just going to keep one plain and simple, straight to the point. Hopefully that will keep my ramblings and tangents in my brain instead of on here for you to try and follow and lost yourself.

I wish I could help young girls see that there is a bigger world out there, a world far beyond cliques, popularity contests, fashion trends, and dress size. I wish I could help them see there is no such thing as perfect, so they should stop trying to be just that. I wish I could help them feel better about themselves. I wish I could open their eyes to all of the far more important things in life. I wish I could help them see it is okay to just be yourself. I wish I could help them love themselves.

Heck, I wish everyone could see that there is a much bigger world than people realize. I think far too many people get far too caught up on the materialistic things in life. Money and possessions do not matter as much as the people in your life. I wish everyone would see that it's not the clothes on your back that people like about you, but the warmth of your soul that they enjoy. I wish everyone felt more comfortable about who they are and cared less about what others think about them.

I wish I could do something about world peace. I know, cheesey and corny sounding, but it's true. I have never understood the concept of war. What is the purpose of killing thousands of innocent people? Is it just to prove a point? Just to prove superiority? Can issues not be solved otherwise? I don't understand how pure hatred can exist in the heart of anyone. I don't understand how people can exist that have zero compassion in their hearts.

I hope I  make a difference. I feel so strongly that I was put on this earth to make a difference in people's life. I have such a passion for helping others, I just know that's what God wants me to do. I just don't really know how to do it.

I wish everyone accepted anyone. I wish judgment left the face of this earth. Too many people, I believe, are too judgmental before they even get to know a person. Too many of us take one look at a person and decide within ten seconds what that person is like, inside and out. Which is impossible to do, and ridiculous to think you know someone just from looking at them.

I guess that's all the ranting I have in my brain at the moment...that, and the fact that I have class now, is why I am ending this post. Tata for now.

My Mormon Profile

So I FINALLY got my profile done for Mormon.org!! Check it out!!

My Mormon.org Profile!

12 Days of Christmas?

Christmastime is bipolar time for me the last two years. I LOVE Christmas. I'm one of those people who start listening to Christmas music in like September. Yeah, I'm that crazy. But, of course, with Tom gone, Christmas has become bittersweet.

I still get extremely excited for Christmas time. I still get anxious for time with my amazing aunts and uncles and cousins. But then I think of Tom and I get sad. I hate spending the Holiday season without him. But it's not soooo bad. We still send each other Christmas packages and letters, and he gets to at least call home on Christmas, so it's one of the two days a year I get to talk to him and hear his voice. That's a big perk, right?

Well, I've been thinking about what the heck to make him for Christmas. We tend to make a lot of things for each other, and do things for each other, so I have to get creative. And after nearly five years, I feel like my creativity is getting drained. Well, as if I didn't already feel the pressure mounting (Christmas is just around the corner, I gotta get his package together and in the mail soon!), I got a little something from Thomas yesterday...

Brittney, one of  my RAs, walked into my apartment yesterday and said she had a gift for me. It was a square-ish package wrapped in glitter tissue paper, and I naturally assumed it was from her. Then I unwrapped it, and my heart fell to my stomach. It was a black box, with a note taped to the top...the note was written in Tom's handwriting. It read: "On the first day of Christmas, your true love gave to you...A Christus in a glass cube!" Inside the box was a gorgeous glass cube with a statue of Christ etched on the inside.

Now, I dunno what this boy has up his sleeve this time, but it's safe to assume that I have 11 other gifts coming in the next week and a half...right?  I'll keep ya posted. :)

Triggers

There are triggers for me. I do just fine throughout the day holding myself together while Tom's away. I am always thinking about him, literally always, but I do perfectly fine holding myself together instead of falling apart. Never, ever, do I fall apart to anyone. It helps that I am so ridiculously busy so I don't have time to fall apart. But there are triggers. One minute I'll be just fine, and the next, a trigger hits and I can't stop crying.

In case you haven't picked up on it yet, I just came across a trigger. And it's preventing me from being able to do homework. So instead I'm blogging about triggers.

Today's trigger? A song. And a guy. See, Tom plays piano. He plays all the time, and he plays crazy awesomely well. He's pretty much amazing. But then again I may be biased...I loooove listening to him and watching him play. Before he left, he would play piano for me aaallll the time. He would learn songs I love and surprise me. He would teach me (or try to teach me) how to play songs with him. Whenever I was having a rough day or be in a bad mood, he would take my hand, walk me over to the piano, sit me down, and play. If I was at school, and my job was driving me crazy, or schoolwork was driving me crazy, I would text him, and say something like, "I'm having a bad day, in an awful mood, so I apologize in advance if I'm crabby when we talk tonight." And, because my Thomas is pretty much amazing and loves me so incredibly much, he would call me within a minute, and simply say, "What song do you want?" Then proceed to play piano for me over the phone to cheer me up. For our three year anniversary (our last one together before he left) he recorded a DVD of him playing all the songs on paino he knows for me. That way I could watch it whenever I was having a hard day while he was on his mission. Man, I love that boy.

So back to the trigger. A song and a boy. I was visiting with a friend today and he taught me some chords on the ukulele. Then he was playing some diddies. Well he started to play and sing "Fall For You" by Secondhand Serenade. As you may have been able to put two and two together by now, Thomas used to play that on piano for me. And I was triggered.

Now, like I said, I am very good at holding myself together. So, being the pro that I am, I continued to visit with my friend as if everything was okay, but as soon as I was in the comfort of my apartment....well, bring on the waterworks. I miss him playing for me. I miss every freakin' thing about him...but I'm not gonna sit here and whine about it, 'cause at the end of the day, what's the point? Me whining about it in a blog is not going to bring him home any sooner.

But crying at least helps...kinda. I mean, yeah, it's not gonna bring him home any sooner either, but it's just a relief from keeping everything tucked inside. But the thing with crying is: I never do it. So when something does trigger those tucked away emotions, they pour and pour out, and they're so hard to stop. I used to tell myself it was gonna get easier...yeah, it never does. Maybe when I get to the point where I'm only like a month away, then it'll be easier because I'll just be so incredibly giddy and excited for him to come home. We'll see, I guess.

Tangents on Religion

Ya know what's irritating? People who claim to be Christians but then act nothing like Christ. There is a big difference between "church people" and "Christ people."

Church people are fake. Basically. Church people are the kinda people who go to church every Sunday, say their prayers, and probably read their scriptures every so often too. They are the people that proclaim to be Christians, but for the most part only act like Christians for an hour or so once week.

Then there are Christ people. Christ people are Christians who actually live their faith every day. They act like and follow Christ every day. They make an effor to help everyone they interract with, and they treat everyone the way Christ wold treat them. They act like Christ even when they aren't in a church setting.

It really irritates me to interract with those gunhoe "church people" who are so outward with their faith and kinda Bible pushers, but then don't act like Christians. It irritates me even more when those "Christians" claim that because I am Mormon, I am not a Christian.

First off, don't be ignorant. My church is called: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. There ya go. Right in the name: JESUS CHRIST. But no, you're right. We're Satanists. Psh. Ignorance. Second off, if you're going to claim to be a Christian, don't judge others. Pretty sure that's a big lesson Jesus taught. And when you judge others with ignorance, you just make yourself look even worse.

It honestly doesn't offend me when people accuse me of not being Christian, because it's so far from the truth. When somebody makes that remark to me, I just chuckle to myself. It's funny because not only do they clearly know nothing about Mormonism, but they know even less about who I am as a person. Clearly, anyone who knows me, I am far from being a Satanist. So I take no offense, but it does get exhausting and annoying. Especially because I feel I've been getting asked questions so much lately because of two things: the "I'm a Mormon" commercials, and that sister wives show or whatever it's called.

Let me clear up the air: Mormons are not polygamists. It is against our religion to practice polygamy. If you do, you are excommunicated from the church. Those who do practice it and call themselves Mormons, well they're wrong. I guess they just wish they were Mormons? I dunno. But they're not. So no, we do not practice polygamy. Not even in Utah.

I'm not sure what I think about the "I'm a Mormon" commercials. I like that they get people talking and asking questions about the church. I like that they help people see Mormons are "normal." But I think they kinda make Mormons sound arrogant.

Even though it gets kinda exhausting always getting the same questions about church, I really do love talking about Mormonism and answering any questions anyone has. I love the opportunity to bear my testimony, share the Gospel, and help people draw closer to God. I love the chance to break down stereotypes or help people understand the truth about being a Mormon. I could talk forever about Mormonism. Ask me anything and everything, and I'll answer you openly and honestly.

I dunno where I'm going with this post. I feel like I've gone off on like a dozen tangents. Well, to sum it all up: If you're going to claim to be a Christian, act like Christ. Don't be ignorant. Don't judge. Mormons are normal people who don't practice polygamy. And you can ask me anything.

Our Fairytale

When I was just a little girl
In dresses pink & white

I learned of princesses in faraway lands

And their handsome charming knights

 

The stories, they’d all end the same

With “happily ever afters”

And as I grew, as little girls do,

I’d dream of my own ending chapter

I’d dream the days and nights away

And doodle in my notebooks

Sketches of my future prince

Complete with stunningly good looks

As years passed by, the dreaming stopped

Out of the clouds I had to come

Charming princes just weren’t real

I’d have to settle for some average bum

 

It was April 14, 2006

I was seventeen years old

That’s the day my thinking changed,

The day my prince entered my world

 

He’s charming, polite, too good to be true

He’s funny, so sweet, and so cute

He’s playful and witty, a barrel of laughs

And he’s always a flippin’ hoot

 

I’m his angel, his princess, the love of his life

He reminds me every day

“Together forever” we tell one another

No matter what life throws our way

 

Living on bliss, walking on sunshine

My life then a fairytale

Dreams do come true, magic does happen

True fairytale love is for real

 

But suddenly the world stopped spinning

The sky came crashing down

My heart lay shattered in my chest

While in my tears I drowned

 

Goodbye to my prince charming

Goodbye to fairytales

Curse you Mr. Disney

You taught falsely “love prevails”

 

As much as I despised that man

Creating such false hope for me

I drowned myself in all his films

The only things that helped me breathe

 

I soon discovered something grand

My eyes and mind were opened wide

Never had I seen before

The message Walt had seemed to hide

The Little Mermaid lost her voice,

For love’s true kiss she had to fight

Belle was captive by a beast

Living constantly in fright

 

Tiana kissed a talking frog

And wound up worse for ware

Poor Cinderella lived a wretched life

With a family that for her never cared

 

Snow White was stuck deep in the woods,

And poisoned by a witch

From ogre to princess, day to night

Fiona’s always forced to switch

 

Jasmine had that jerk Jafar

Who tried to keep her from her man

The feisty Meg was bound to Hades

A forced puppet in his evil plan

 

Don’t you see what I now see?

Don’t you understand?

Fairytales truly do exist,

But there’s work to reach the end

 

Every princess has her mountain

She’s got an obstacle to climb

So it’s no surprise at all, my prince,

I’ve got to work to call you mine

 

I don’t just get to close my eyes,

Or breathe in deep and make a wish

Just as the Little Mermaid had to do:

I must fight for true love’s kiss

The days are long, the nights much longer

My heart aches every minute

But this life I’ve been living still’s a fairytale

I must just open my eyes and admit it.

 

I now never question, I now never doubt

If we’ll have our happily ever after

I now understand there’s just a mountain to climb

Before we reach our own ending chapter

 

We’ll grow old together, make lots of babies

Be sealed in the temple forever

We’ll have lots of puppies, play piano together

In a love that won’t die now or never

Forever my prince, forever I’m yours

Living this life that’s too good to be true

Forever my heart rests safe in your chest

Forever we’re one not two

Moving Forward

Sometimes, ya just gotta let go.

That's something I'm learning. Something I feel like I have been learning for a long time. It's so stinkin' hard to let go of things that make you upset or have hurt you, to forget the past and move forward. It's even harder when what you're needing to let go is a person, not moment or memory.

Sometimes, it hurts more to try and cling on to something that's not there anymore. To constantly be trying to remember how things used to be, and then just get slapped in the face by reality. That is never fun. Or pretty. It's a rather harsh awakening. But learning to forget the way things used to be and accept the way things are is one of hardest things for me to achieve.

So how do you do it? How are you meant to just let go of something that is so much a part of who you are? How are you meant to cut this piece out of you and just forget about it? And then move on forward like everything is okay, when you just feel like you lost a piece of your soul?

Happy Birthday, My Elder!

Today is Tom's 21st birthday!! And better yet?? Our last birthday apart!! WOOHOO!!

I am still working on his package, I'm so stinkin busy I never get more than 20 minutes at a time to make any progress on it, but I'm super excited about it! I've got him some England apparel (of course), the Missionaries Book of Quotes that's totally awesome and full of uplifting and powerful quotes about things like perseverence, obedience, honor, etc. Pretty much perfect for missionaries. It's got quotes by famous people and church leaders and scriptures too. Pretty much awesome. I kinda wish I woulda found it sooner since he'll only have 8 months left when he gets it, but oh well. He'll still love it!

I also made him (well, I am in the process of making him) this totally awesome book collage thing. Half of it is pictures of us with quotes and scriptures about love, and the other half is pictures from his mission with quotes and scriptures about missionary work. So far, it looks pretty dang awesome! And I've still gotta find some sweets and treats to fill it with too!

*sigh* The last birthday. Man, that feels pretty dang good. And November is right around the corner and you know what that means?? Only 8 more months!! We'll be done to the last 1/3 of his mission!! Slow and steady wins the race!

Pick-Me-Up

So I'm off to see my best friend in about four hours. I'm pretty stoked. My visit could not have been arranged at a more impeccable time. Why is that you say? Because I feel like I have been uber down lately and am in major need of some bestie time.

Now, nobody on the face of the planet, with the exception of Thomas, would have any idea how hard of a time I've been having lately...and well, now, anyone who's reading this now knows I haven't been okay. But I pride myself on that, on being able to paint a smile on my face and keep the hurt buried inside.

It's not being fake. I hope I don't come across that way. But I just truly believe in living every day as full as possible. I believe in making the absolute best in every moment - you never know when it's going to be your last. Which is why I smile, laugh, and pretend I'm not barely held together by a thread.

I want to enjoy life. I want to have a hoot every day. I relish in the simple pleasures of life. I want to notice how blue the sky is, how sweet the flowers smell, how soft the wind is on my cheek. I want to cherish everything. I want to laugh until I cry (which doesn't take much). I want to laugh so hard my side feels like it's about to tear. I want to be spontaneous and crazy and silly. I want to always be smiling.

But no matter how happy I am on the outside, no matter how sincere it is, my heart is always aching. Thomas is flippin' everywhere, in everything, and it is so incredibly hard to stop thinking about him. It is so hard to push him out of my head - I am never successful. When I'm walking on a gorgeous fall day, he's there. He's holding my hand, laughing with me, playing with my hair. When I'm talking with my friends, he's there. He's laughing at our jokes, throwing his sarcastic humor in the conversation. When I'm playing Halo (a recent hobby I'm picking up), he's there. He's making fun of horribly awful I am. When I'm driving in the car, he's there. He's holding my hand, kissing me at red lights, and secretly recording embarrassing videos on his phone of me dancing and singing at the top of my lungs to the radio.

Every day I hurt. Every day I miss him. Every day I can't escape him. I love it and I hate it. I love that he hasn't disappeared from my life or my memory like I was afraid he would. I love that he is still so much a part of my life and who I am. I love that I am so in love that it causes me to constantly be thinking about him. But I hate it. I hate that I can't ever escape him because it makes living without him so hard. I hate that I can't ever focus on studying or homework or in class or meetings because I'm thinking about him. I hate that every night I go to bed my heart breaks and I cry because all I want to do is call him and hear his voice and tell him about my day. I hate missing him but I love having him to miss.

And it seems like lately the pain has been extra big. I don't know why that is. Perhaps it's being back at school. So many new and exciting things are always happening and I want to tell him all about them and I can't. Perhaps it's because now that I'm back at school, I am constantly reminded how he's not here. I am surrounded by couples who get to hold hands, get to kiss, get to eat lunch and dinner, get to visit each other's rooms, get to be together, and I don't get any of that. Perhaps it's just that I've been doing this whole waiting thing for over 15 months now and I'm exhausted. Perhaps it's everything put together.

Whatever the reason, I'm glad I am going to visit my bestie this weekend. I need some girl time with my best friend. I need to get away. I need a very big pick-me-up, and nothing is a better pick-me-up than quality girl time with my Christie...well, playing with puppies just might be...

My Newest Passion

I have a new passion - photography.

Well, it's not exactly a new passion, I've always loved photography. It's just now I'm seriously considering investing in making it a hobby. The thought popped into my head a short while ago.

It was a gorgeous day outside, so I took a walk down by the Kinnickinick River. There's a trail that goes through the woods along the river. I love going down to the river along. I call it my personal "Sacred Grove." There's this tree that's fallen over and it lays across this rocky beach right up along the river. I like to sit there with my journal and write. It's so incredibly peaceful. There's no obnoxious noise, no people. All you hear is the river flowing, the leaves in the trees swaying, the birds singing.

When I'm down there, I feel God so strongly. He's everywhere. And I've decided I want to do photography to show everyone else how much God is in nature and the beauty of it all. I don't want to photograph people. That doesn't interest me at all. I want to capture sunsets, snowflakes, sunlight glistening off tree leaves.

The thing holding me back is, of course, the money. I want to invest in a decent camera, but those can run anywhere from about $700 - $2000. And then theres classes. I would want to take at least a class or two so I could learn techniques and terms and what not. If I wanted, I could totally start now, but the thing is I have other things I'm trying to save up for. I need to get a new car before I start student teaching. Tom and I are getting married in about a year and a half, and as of now, my parents aren't helping with that.

So aside from the necessities, I have to decided which of my wants is more important for me to spend my money on: photography or a puppy? :)

Stand Up

I get so frustrated with the world sometimes. Maybe frustrated isn't the right word...Angry? Disappointed? Upset? All of those words?...and more?...

I just don't understand the human race sometimes. I correct that. I don't understand a portion (although a large portion) a lot of the time. When will people understand the consequences of their actions? And I'm not talking about consequences to themselves, but to others.

It breaks my heart to hear stories about people, usually kids, killing themselves because of bullying. Although most of this post will be about gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender people, I think it is important to point that they are not the only ones targeted.

Maybe it's because October is national Lesbian, Gay, and Bisexual History month, but it seems like lately I have seen so much about this issue in the media and in my own personal life. Hate crimes seem to be happening across the country and on campus, and my emotions about the issue are going so haywire. I get so angry that people can be so incredibly hurtful and hateful, and I feel so hurt for those who are targeted.

Take a look at the Phelp's family/church. I warn you that this video below could be hard for some people to watch (there's a 30 second ad before the video). It really boils my blood. (There was a block to keep me from embedding the video, so you have to follow the link.)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RRAYFYjam-E&feature=related

It baffles my mind that there are people out there who are so unaccepting, so disrespectful, so hypocritical. They claim that God hates homosexuals. They claim they are the ones being Christians and following Christ's teachings, but the last I checked, God taught us not to judge one another. And there they stand, not only judging, but also hurting, those who are different from them.

How is there so much hate? And most, if not all, of it hate towards people who are different. Just different. Why can't the world be more accepting. There is hate between religions that believe in different doctrines. Hate between people who have different values. Hate between people who look different from one another. Hate between people who practice different traditions. Did you know the Ku Klux Klan still exists? Did you know there is an American Nazi party? Search on the internet and you'll find hundreds of hate groups targeting hundreds of different kinds of people.

What makes one type of person superior than another? We all, no matter what religion, color, age, background, whatever, have a beating heart. We all feel pain, love, sorrow, grief, joy. We all breathe the same air, live in the same world. We're all people.

I think I've rambled enough about my thoughts on the issue for now. All I ask is that people please start standing up. Silence is acceptance. Do not accept or tolerate hate. Make your voice be heard. I'll leave you with a heartfelt message from Ellen Degeneres.
 

Thomas Update

So I am thinking it's time for another Elder Macmillan update! My Thomas is doing great out on his mission!! He is now in Burley, ID and his new companion is Elder Brace and they've been getting along real well. Elder Brace goes home next month, so Tom says he's grateful to be with someone so experienced so he can learn so much from him.

He's loving his new area! He says the members there are very passionate about missionary work and help the missionaries a lot with finding people to teach and keeping them involved in the church. They had a baptism last week, and they're teaching a woman named Chris who is excited and ready for baptism as well!

This upcoming weekend is General Conference, so, needless to say, him and I are very excited. As is every active member in the church, I'm assuming! He is going to be watching it with Chris and the family fellowshipping her, so that will definitely be a fun, uplifiting, and strengthening experience for him! Plus, I am a little extra excited about this General Conference because when this weekend passes, it means only one more conference till he comes home to me!

So, Thomas is still doing great on his mission! He's loving the work, loving the Lord, loving the people! It's been a great experience for him and I know will continue to be the next 10 months!

Ponderings

I was thinking the other day,  as a friend was telling me a story, how when we talk about people to other people, we include their skin color. That is, if their skin color is different than our own.

Seriously, whenever a white friend of mine is telling me a story that involves someone of a different color, they make sure to include it in the story. "This black guy" or "This asian girl." I do it too when I tell stories. I am wondering if people of different races do the same thing. "This white chick."

Why do we do it? Why is it relevent to the story? I mean, really it's not. The story is the same whether the person is blue, or black, or white, or yellow, or green. It's not something that makes the story any better or changes how the story goes. It's pointless.

Another thing about stories. I dunno if this is a Minnesotan thing or a generational thing or what. But why is it, when we're laughing hysterically, we always say, "That's SO funny!" I mean, seriously. Isn't it obvious that it's funny? You're laughing so hard you're crying. I've never understood that! Again, I do that too. ALL the time. And I always laugh even more inside when I think about it after I say it. Obviously Christie knows what she said is funny, we're both rolling on the floor unable to catch out breath.

Anywho, those are my thoughts for the day.

The Family: A Proclamation to the World

The Family: A Proclamation to the World

We, the First Presidency and the Council of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, solemnly proclaim that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children.

All human beings—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny. Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose.

In the premortal realm, spirit sons and daughters knew and worshipped God as their Eternal Father and accepted His plan by which His children could obtain a physical body and gain earthly experience to progress toward perfection and ultimately realize their divine destiny as heirs of eternal life. The divine plan of happiness enables family relationships to be perpetuated beyond the grave. Sacred ordinances and covenants available in holy temples make it possible for individuals to return to the presence of God and for families to be united eternally.

The first commandment that God gave to Adam and Eve pertained to their potential for parenthood as husband and wife. We declare that God’s commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force. We further declare that God has commanded that the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife.

We declare the means by which mortal life is created to be divinely appointed. We affirm the sanctity of life and of its importance in God’s eternal plan.

Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children. “Children are an heritage of the Lord” (Psalm 127:3). Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, and to teach them to love and serve one another, observe the commandments of God, and be law-abiding citizens wherever they live. Husbands and wives—mothers and fathers—will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations.

The family is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity. Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities. By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners. Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation. Extended families should lend support when needed.

 

We warn that individuals who violate covenants of chastity, who abuse spouse or offspring, or who fail to fulfill family responsibilities will one day stand accountable before God. Further, we warn that the disintegration of the family will bring upon individuals, communities, and nations the calamities foretold by ancient and modern prophets.

 

We call upon responsible citizens and officers of government everywhere to promote those measures designed to maintain and strengthen the family as the fundamental unit of society.

 

This proclamation was read by President Gordon B. Hinckley as part of his message at the General Relief Society Meeting held September 23, 1995, in Salt Lake City, Utah.

Longing

This is the worst part of it all: the night. I have an amazing day. I laugh my butt off all day, I am having a hoot with my friends, I am high on life, just living and loving every moment, and then the night rolls in...and it hits me like a knife in my gut: he's gone.

And it's not just that he's gone, it's that he's been gone for 14 months and he'll be gone for another 10 months. It's that I can't call him and talk to him. It's that I can't fall asleep in his arms. It's that I can't gush to him about how awesome life is. It's that I can't laugh with him. It's everything.

My heart breaks. I fight back the tears. Just about every night. Still, after 14 months, just about every night. I feel kinda pathetic admiting it, but it's true. As soon as I'm on my own, and my brain starts to wind down, the pit in my stomach starts to grow. It's physical, I swear. I swear I can feel  this rock in my gut, this pain in my heart.

I long for him. I don't think "miss" is the right word for the way I feel. I don't think "miss" is deep enough or strong enough. I long for him - I think that's more appropriate. I long to talk to him, to kiss him, to just be able to reach out and touch him, to know he's there.

I don't like blogging about it, but I hate talking about it even more, and I've gotta get these thoughts and feelings outta me somehow, so this is going to have to do. For the next ten months, this is the best I've got.

The Me's

I was thinking the other about how much context plays a part in who I am. I feel like there are different kinds of "me" and those different me's come out in different situations. And people, depending on the context of our interaction, only see certain types of me.

If you only know me through school or in class, you see the quiet me. I seem shy. In class, I always sit in the front row. I don't talk much during class, I am not a big participater. It's not because I'm quiet, it's because I am soaking everything in. I take in what others say and what others input in class discussions. I am busy taking notes and being a sponge. I come off as quiet and shy.

If you know me through church, you know the always smiling me. You know the faith strong me, with an unshaking testimony and an endless love for my savior. You know the passionate me.

If you know me through my life as an RA or an HM, you see the crazy, fearless, outgoing me. You see the obnoxiously loud laughter, the dirty mind, the confident, the overly peppy & positive, outgoing me. When I'm in RA mode (or now hall manager mode) I have no problem going up to strangers and introducing myself. I have no problem being the real, crazy me because people expect RAs to be that way anyway. It's like some unwritten job requirement.

If you know me as a close friend, you not only know the crazy, obnoxious me, but you know the secretive me. You know the mountains I'm climbing and the battles I'm fighting. You know the lovesick, letter-dependent, month-counting me.

There are lots of different me's. But if you're lucky, you'll get to know the real me.

Bada ba ba ba...I'm lovin' it!

It's a perfectly gorgeous day today. Seriously, the perfect kind of weather. A perfectly clear sunny cloudless sky. It's not too hot, or too cold, and every now and then there's a soft breeze. It's positively beautiful.

I went for a walk down by the Kinnickinick River this afternoon. I LOVE being outside on days like today, and I love burying myself in nature. Walking down by the river is perfect because I feel so secluded. There's no noise, just nature. I went with a friend of mine and we a good talk about some good stuff...oh, and I kinda learned how to skip rocks.

Anywho, after the walk I was thinking about life, and all that I have to be grateful. Lately I feel like I've been focusing so much on all the negative things going on in my life. Stress with my new job, my new classes, friends, Tom, yadda yadda yadda. But I was thinking today, as I was in heaven down by the river, about how wonderful life is and all the blessings in my life.

I have amazing friends. Lately I've been getting bogged down because of some of my friends...well let's just I've been having friends issues. But for the most part, I have amazing friends. I have wonderful people in my life who make me laugh and who love me.

I have a great family. I know my family situation isn't ideal, and I do struggle with it a lot, but I have wonderful parents who do so much for me. I have AMAZING cousins who I love more than anything!! And I have great aunts and uncles who love me and take care of me.

I have a job that I ADORE! Sometimes, heck a lot of times, I complain about being so busy with my job and how overwhelming it can get, but I love love love LOVE working in residence life. I am fortunate enough to have a job that has changed my life so much and has made me into a much better person. I am so grateful to have had the opportunity to be a Resident Assistant and now a Hall Manager.

I have an amazing boyfriend. I know I whine all the time about missing Tom. I complain about how hard waiting is, and how long two years is. But I am sooo incredibly lucky to have such an amazingly wonderful man to call my own, even if we do have to be apart for two years.

Life is so good. Lately I've had a hard time seeing the glass half full, but today, for some reason, I'm just genuinely happy with my life and where I am right now. I look back at my life and how different it is, how so much has changed so fast, and I can't believe where I am. I never saw my life going this way, but holy moly am I so grateful it has. I love my life, every bit about it. Even the hard bits, because that's where we grow the most. That's where we find out who we really are. And, if I may be a little arrogant for once, I love who I am today and the life I've lived.

Twig

The name is Katie Jo. I'm 5'2". I weigh, on the average day, 97 pounds. I hate my body.

Okay, hate is a strong word. I dislike it very much. And I feel like because I am skinny, I am not allowed to dislike my body. According to the rest of the world, I should be in love with my tiny waist and twig-like arms. But nope. I am not.

I am trying to gain weight. Heck, I've been trying to gain weight for years. I would like to be 110 pounds. In other words, I would like to be able to donate blood. I can't at the moment because I don't meet the weight requirements. How ridiculously embarrassing is that? Very.

I am a size zero. That, to me, is disgusting. I am a freakin' zero. A number we use to desrcibe something that does not exist. I am non-existant. I hate that. Hate it. But according to other people, it's wonderful. I don't think so. I hate shopping for clothes because nothing is in my size. Nothing fits my waist...I don't even have a stinkin' waist. That's probably why I am obsessed with shoes. They always fit.

I hate eating with people. I feel like they're judging me, watching to make sure I actually eat. I have been asked before if I am anorexic. Several times. And they were seriously asking. I find that disgusting. I hate it. Anyone who knows me well enough knows I can eat like a horse...as long as the food is good. When Tom and I go out to eat, half the time I eat more than him. I guess I just have a high metabolism...and I wish I didn't. I eat the junkiest, most unhealthy foods. I drown myself in calories and carbs. No difference.

I work out, I run. Not because I wanna lose weight, but I wanna gain it. Muscle weighs more than fat, right? So I try to build muscle. Still no help.

I hate when people say things like, "Oh my gosh you're so skinny" even if they mean it as a compliment. I hate it. I hate being so skinny. I hate people making comments about my size. Talk about how short I am all you want, don't talk about my weight.

I look in the mirror and I don't feel attractive. When I wear skirts and dresses, and I stand in front of my mirror to see how my shoes match, I hate looking at my legs, my twigs.

I feel like I am not allowed to be unhappy with my body because girls tell me they're jealous. I feel like if I talk about being unhappy with my size, people will judge me. I'm afraid they'll think I'm just doing it for attention, or fishing for compliments.

Whatever, I guess. For now, I'll just keep workin' at fixing myself.

Death Isn't Always Morbid

I was thinking about my death today. Yes, I know, morbid. I don't know why I was, it just popped into my head randomly. I don't know about you, but I want to be cremated when I die. I'll donate all my organs, whatever I can (what do I need them for after I'm dead, anyway?) and then I want my ashes spread into the wind, let it take me wherever it wants me to go.

I was thinking about my funeral. I don't want a funeral. I want a party. I want upbeat music, my favorite tunes. I want lots of food. I want a bouncy castle. I  don't want people to cry, I want them to laugh. My death will not (I am determined) be a sad affair because I will have lived my life to it's fullest and everyone will know how rich my life was.

Now, when I say "live my life to the fullest," my idea of that concept is probably different than yours. When I think of that phrase, I don't think of things like skydiving, or climbing a mountain, or doing crazy stunts like that. I think of random moments. Small random moments filled with people. Filled with people, love, and laughter. That to me is living life to the fullest. It's about smiling when you want to cry, singing when you want to scream, dancing when you want to run away from everything, and praying when you want to give up. It's about making the absolute most out of every moment. It's about refusing to see the glass half empty and always finding that silver lining. Call me cheesy. Call me naive. It's who I am. And I believe it was makes the difference between just a life and a good life.

And the difference between a good life and a great life? All those listed above and the concept of living for others. Be selfless in life. It's amazing how being selfless can make you feel so good. Help others. Even if it's small things like holding a door open, smiling as you walk past a stranger, hugging your friend hello (or goodbye), telling someone you appreciate them. When you live for others, life is more rewarding. At least that's how it's been for me. It seems like the more I live to help others, the more I love life. I find that surrounding oneself in positive relationships brings so much happiness.

When I die, I hope people remember me as the girl who was always smiling, the girl who loved life and lived it to the fullest. I want to be remembered as someone who did all that she could for others. The girl who loved to laugh, be silly, and have fun. The girl who was carefree and loved the simple pleasures in life. The girl who saw the silver lining in every stormcloud and made the most of every curveball life threw her way. The girl who made every moment the best moment of her life. When I die, people aren't going to cry because I'm gone, they are going to smile because they'll know my life was a great one.

A New Beginning!

The Managers for 2010-2011 & our ACs

It has been SUCH a crazy past couple of weeks!! But it's also been some of the funnest (yes, I said funnest) I've had in long time! I moved back to campus on the 13th, the day before my 22nd birthday. I was going crazy with excitement! I was SO ready to come back to campus! I had Hall Manager training which started on my birthday, the 14th. Not the most fun birthday I've ever had, but I still managed to have some fun and laugh lots. The following week we were in training all day every day. It got exhausting, very, but again, it was a lot of fun! I loved getting to know the other managers on campus better and we all have such a great time together! The manager staff is fun and crazy and great! I just love it!

Prucha Staff
Monica, Jubilynn
Kylene, Dani
Jacklynn, Brittney
Me

After manager training for a week, my staff arrived!! I was soo excited to see them again and to start building our team!! The week, again, was super long. We had training literally all day every day, and it got exhausting, but we still managed to have TONS of laughs and TONS of fun! Our staff has been getting along SO great! These girls crack me up so much! They're so funny and fun and crazy - a perfect fit! We have a great time together! Prucha staff sure is gonna shake things up this year!

Prucha Staff on move in day! Ready to meet our residents!

So that brings us to today: Freshmen Move In Day! It's been an incredibly long and tiring day (the ridiculous heat didn't help anything) but again, as always, super fun! haha. It was super exciting to see all the new residents move in and to meet their families. It was even more exciting, for me at least, to watch my staff. I loved watching them interract with their resident and the parents. I loved watching them get excited. I loved watching them do their wing meetings. I am so excited for the year - I can just tell it's gonna be a great one! We have more students that will be moving in tomorrow. We had about 60 first year students move in today, and we will have around 100 returning students move in tomorrow. We already had about 20 residents that had moved into the hall early for sports and on campus jobs. In total, Prucha houses 200 residents, and after tomorrow, most will be moved in with the exception of a handful. I am super excited!

Along with being super excited and super pumped for the year, I feel a little weird. Yes, I guess weird is the right word I'm looking for. I'm just a mix of emotions at the moment. Perhaps it's because I'm running off of five hours of sleep, and I am completely drained after training. Maybe it's legit, the way I feel. But it kinda broke my heart today to watch everyone move in. It hit me that I'm not an RA anymore. Don't get me wrong, I am loving being a hall manager so far and I think it's gonna be an amazing year, but it kind of makes me sad. It hit me that I don't have my own wing. I don't have my own residents. Sure, technically all 200 residents are my residents, but no one is going to call me their RA. I am trying to look at the positives (as I am so skilled at doing). For instance, I no longer have to make 60 door decs every month. I no longer have to research bulletin boards and put them together every month. But I think when all is said and done, I'm gonna miss those moments. I guess time will tell, right?

I am  excited for all the new experiences I'll have as a hall manager. I am excited for the change, for challenge, for the excitement. I am excited to work with my staffs: my RA staff, my fellow HM staff, and the Professional Staff. My involvement in residence life the past three years has made such an impact on my life and who I am, so I am very ready for this fourth (and final) year to make just as big, if not bigger, impact on my life. I am ready to change and grow for the better!

Perfect

Words cannot express how deeply I am in love with Tom. But I'll be completely honest: through the mission, you forget things. You question if the love you think you have is as amazing as you remember or if your mind is just exaggerating because you miss him, and, as we all know, absence makes the heart grow fonder. There are times where I don't remember how much he loves me. We don't talk mushy gushy in emails. I guess at the end of each email we tell each other we love each other and miss each other, but that's it.

Well, last week we were talking about our testimonies, and my Thomas blew me out of the water, made me cry, and made me know that our love really is as magical and real and deep as it feels. Our emails are very personal to me, very special, and I don't share them with anyone. But this one, this part of this email, just made me feel the most wonderful I have felt since he left, and I would like to share it. I would like to show off my amazing man and our amazing love...

"Your love for the Lord is one of the bigger reasons why i KNOW i am meant to be with you forever. I need someone strong in the gospel, i need someone that i know i can lean on during my times of trial and who won't turn away from the truth through the hard times. I NEED YOU. I knew i wanted to be with you forever before the mission, but i didn't think i deserved you. I still don't think i deserve you but i think that we are perfect for each other, there is no one in this world that could do for me what you've done for me. You amaze every companion i've been with so far. You are amazing, and continually amaze me. I love you Katie!"

People ask me how I can spend two years waiting for him. They ask "Why is he worth the wait?" I think Tom nailed it perfectly when he said: "we are perfect for each other."

Sooo Ready

Well, summer is over. I move back to campus tomorrow. And I couldn't be more excited. I want to get back to school sooo bad, I need  to get back to school. My life at school is so different than my life at home.

First off, I have more friends and better friends. It's not that I don't have great friends here, because I do. I have amazing friends at home. But I never get to see them because we're all so busy working and what not. But at school, not only do I have more friends, but we all work together. Basically all my friends are other RAs or HMs or else they are residents. They are people I live with and work with 24/7. Which brings me to my second point on why I'm excited to get back to school: my job.

I love my job. I absolutely love being in residence life. I have had such an amazing experience and a fun time being a resident assistant and I cannot wait to take on this new role as a hall manager. I feel like with my job, I am making a difference. I am leaving an impact. It may be a small difference, but it's still there. I love what I do. I love the relationships I build and the memories I make. My job is social and fun and life changing. At least for me, it's definitely been a life changing experience. I feel like my job has not only given me wonderful memories and made my college experience worthwhile, but it has also changed so much of who I am and has made me a much better person.

The third reason why I am soo excited to get back to school is the spirit. I don't really feel the spirit at home. I don't feel God in my life as much. But when I am at school, I feel like my faith is so much stronger. I live in such a positive environment and it helps me stay strong. It also helps that the branch I attend at school is AMAZING, to say the least. I love my church at school and the people in it. I miss it very very much and cannot wait to go back and see everyone again.

The fourth reason why I am very excited and ready to go back to school is because of time. Time has been crawling at home and I can't seem to stay busy enough to keep Tom at the back of my mind instead of the front. This summer has been soo hard because I can't escape Tom. Being in Maple Grove is heartbreaking because he's just everywhere, and missing him, living without him, is soo much harder here at home. When I get back to school, I'll be too busy to even breathe and that's just the way I like it. Tom will be pushed to the back of my mind where it won't be so painful. I'll pretty much never be alone which means that I will be unable to have breakdowns and spend hours crying, which is definitely a good thing.

As much as I love summer and being home away from readings and essays, I am bursting at the seams to get back to River Falls. This summer has been fun and busy, and I have definitely had some amazing times. There's been several trips to the zoo, a handful of Twins games, trips to the cabin, vacation in the Dells with my cousins and aunts, tanning on the beach, shopping sprees, picnics, dancing in the rain, girls nights, and so much more. But as fun as it's been, I am sooo ready to go back to River Falls.

All About Tom's Mission

I just realized today that I have never once done a post about Tom's mission. I write about how much I love, and I whine about waiting, and I talk about the fact that he's a missionary, but I've never posted how his mission is going. And I think I'm going to start posting updates. I wish I had been all along.

So! Tom's been out for a little over a year now. August 8 marked 13 months out in the mission field. He has been serving in the Boise, Idaho mission which means he covers Boise and the surrounding cities. As a missionary, he teaches people about the gospel of Jesus Christ. He teaches, performs baptisms, does service work, and all the while grows closer to God and builds a stronger testimony. It will be the best two years of his life.

Tom's been doing great. He absolutely loves being a missionary and serving a mission. He has met tons of great people, seen many lives changed for the better, has grown so much, and has built amazing friendships. But he has also had hard times. He's seen people grow close to God but suddenly pull away and abandon the faith they had briefly found. He has sicknesses and injuries. He's had to deal with "Mormon Haters" who harass and hassle him and his companion. But overall, without a doubt, it has been an amazingly wonderful experience for him.

He's had several different companions. Most of them he's gotten along great with, but there's been a couple where they really butt heads. Some have become his best friends, others he probably won't ever speak to again after the mission. Recently he became a trainer and has been training his current companion, Elder Garcia. Elder Garcia is a "greenie" - a missionary fresh out of the MTC. They get along extremely  well. Tom says they are best friends, and they want to go to school together when they both finish their mission. And now, now Tom's been called as a Distric Leader. The mission is divided into companionships, distics, and zones, with companships being the smallest (that's the pairs of missionaries you always see) and the zones being the largest grouping of missionaries. So Tom is now the leader of the district he is a part of. 

His area he is in right now is doing great! The last couple weeks he and Elder Garcia have had many many lessons. Usually, as companions they do about a dozen lessons a week. The past couple weeks they've had over 30 and two weeks ago they had 41! The work is progressing at an incredible rate! It's amazing!

It's always so great to hear from Tom. You can just hear and feel all the excitement and passion and joy in his letters. It really is an amazing experience, the experience of a lifetime. He is growing so much, in his faith, in his character, in patience, in honor, in every way possible.