Finally

Tonight was a great night.

I got all dressed up and went out with my peeps.

I got all dolled up.

Hair did.

Super cute [and short] dress on.

I was looking good.

I was looking kinda skanky.

I was showing leg.

Lots of leg.

I got lots of whistles, comments, and touches.

Yes, touches.

I was looking good.

I had fun.

I had a lot of drinks.

And some shots.

Was pretty drunk.

Pretty early on in the night.

It was a fun night.

And through the skanky-ness and the drinking, I figured it out.

I know exactly who I want to be in life.

I know exactly what I want.

And the life I lived tonight?
Definitely not it.

Tonight was an eye-opening night for me.

I realized, as I was laying in bed thinking about the night, that this girl that was out tonight: I have no idea who she is and I never wanna see her again. And so, naturally, I had to blog about my newly discovered self. :)

I don't want random guys whistling at me as I walk past...

...I want Tom whispering how gorgeous I am in my ear.

I don't want random guys telling me how hott I look...

...I want Tom telling me I am beautiful I am.

I don't want some random sweaty guy grinding up on me on the dance floor...

...I want Tom's arms wrapped around me as we curl up on the couch.

I don't want some random guy grabbing at my booty as I walk past him...

...I want Tom holding my hand as we walk under the stars.

And most importantly, I don't want to get drunk on alcohol...

...I want to be drunk on love for my Thomas.

I realized tonight that this crazy girl I've become, this crazy double life I've been living, isn't who I am, and it's not who I want to be. Yes, I am [pardon my French here...] scared shitless for Thomas to come home. I worry every day that he's changed and that our relationship has changed. But I've realized I can't think about that. I can't worry about it. There's absolutely no point in worrying about it. I just have to wait another 31 days until he comes home, and then I get to find out if our relationship has changed, or if it's back to living a fairytale.

Yes, it does still bother me that Thomas said he wouldn't marry me if I wasn't Mormon. But ya know what? I am Mormon, so that shouldn't matter.

And I want to be Mormon. I love the Mormon faith. I love what they believe and I love what they teach. I love that famillies can be together forever. I love that we have a prophet on the Earth today. I love that I am daughter of God. I love Mormonism. It's part of who I am.

These past couple months have very much been a rollercoaster for me, but I think I'm finally figuring everything out. It's crazy how clearly your mind can think at 4am...I don't like this path I've chosen the past several weeks. Yes, it's been fun, but it's not me. At all. I think I've finally found myself again. It's time to make some changes to my life.

Now, the hope is when Thomas comes home, and I tell him about this crazy twisted confusing phase I went through, he's understanding...